The Ripple Effect of Necessary Endings Part I

I watched with great admiration these leaders who wanted me to work with them - people who knew how to ask questions, hold the space for authenticity, coach others towards their strengths, be honest with boundaries and dislikes – they were the kind of people I admired, wanted to surround myself with and wanted to become.

When the honeymoon period ended, the disillusionment arose. Although I initially considered myself amongst the elite 14 in the early days, time would tell that being the youngest had it’s disadvantages. My leadership skills side-lined in this setting; my contribution quieted. I didn’t fully realize I was being overlooked, I chalked it up to raising young kids as the excuse to not lead, facilitate, travel, debrief or any of the other aspects my job description originally entailed.

While being a part of something greater than me produced valuable growth for a long season, for many reasons it no longer served me well to continue to remain “hidden” and excused away as this is just a season. As the God-given passions inside of me unsettlingly stirred, it was clear I could no longer thrive in what felt like nearly a decade of an inauthentic version of myself.  

It wasn’t only that. My identity became so entwined with being a part of the organization that actually doing the work became secondary. Great confusion paralyzed my ability to separate myself from a collective “we”.

It would be almost two long years of discontent and wrestling with my place on the team before I could honestly say the words I had avoided…The ones that had screamed at me for too long: THIS IS NOT WORKING AND SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE.!

It wasn’t until I gained insight through hindsight, that I grew aware of the extent of my idolization with this team and organization and how the weight of my decision to leave the team was so closely linked to my reputation with it all.  Who would I be without them? How could I stand on my own apart from them? Could I stay in my country of service and not be connected to the community from which I so closely tied my identity? And what about our famiy? And Jeff’s role on the team? I became acutely aware that this one decision would have such a huge ripple effect on every aspect of our lives. This was complex transition.  I had to admit that this was as far as I could go on this leg of the journey. If I stayed I would bitterly hinder my own growth, and potentially that of others, as well.  

Leadership Lessons

When we reach a developmental boundary phase - we are aware our identity with a role, a group, a country, an organization or a team, can become an playing field for growth or a prison of limitations.

For me the most relevant and greatest identity challenge at such a time came from being an expatriate and cross-cultural worker. I loved living overseas. Well, mostly! It was not a cake walk. There were daily challenges with not being understood due to lacking full language acquisition. There were the reminders of not fitting in fully and not having local family support. There were the long flights back “home” to people who didn’t really get our lives. There were the financial set-backs of living on support and coming up short. There were the team dynamics of dual-relationships and global mobility. There were the visa complications and daily wondering if we were doing something wrong with legal matters and would be kicked out. So yeah, it was in so many ways hard, but after nearly 9 years of living overseas I had grown accustomed to the challenges of living abroad chalked up to flexibility and adventure.

Despite the challenges, cross-cultural living was worth it to me. I deeply valued my regular interactions with people from around the globe. I loved being on a team of people who had such a similar passion to serve global workers. I loved hosting people from all over the world inviting them to expand our children’s worldview. I loved short and inexpensive flights to places of wonder and great adventure. I loved knowing that anywhere I went in the world, the response to, “where are you from” came a response of interest and if I’m honest a feeling of being special! Ultimately though I loved being used by God in an area of my calling and in a part of the world that was a good fit. Until I had to acknowledge it was no longer a good fit. And for that reason, all that I loved about living overseas would be in question. Was I really being asked to give all of this up because of this one angle?

A thought reverberated in my mind, “What once served you well in a position/role may be the very thing that is holding you back from becoming a more fully alive and healthy version of you in the next season!” Or said slightly differently, “What brought you here in the first place, may no longer be able to keep you here.” I was having to face the reality that I was no longer the same person as when I originally landed in this country: Grief in growth.

My role as cross-cultural worker was working. But, my role as a cross-cultural transition coach on this specific team and organization was not. I had to admit that I would remain vocationally stuck despite feeling culturally free. For almost two years, I was faced with the question, “What is the cost I am willing to pay for this internal dissonance of misfit?” Could I live with the incongruence?

The 7 Attitudes Needed in Vocational Discernment: Following the Ignatian Way

As I probed further into my own understanding of how I showed up with people on a daily basis in vocational discernment work, I began to realize the unique nature of how I got here. It was three-fold.

I had been gifted wise people on my developmental journey through seminary, through organizational affiliation and professional helpers who spoke this language. I read a lot of supporting material through wise literary mentors like Henri Nouwen, Parker Palmer, St. Ignatius of Loyola, Bobby Clinton and Terry Walling.

But quite possibly my best teacher was the many years I had lived making decisions without wise input. Those were years (decades) of painful learnings where I tried to go it alone.  I learned what not to do and how I would do it different.

Since that time, I have sought for hindsight to guide my insight. Asking questions like, “What would I have done differently given what I know now? and “Who would I have liked alongside of me?” This last transition gave me an opportunity to apply that hard learning.

When faced with the decision to return from overseas assignment after 11 years, I experienced not one, or even two, but three intentional discernment times over the course of 3 years with trusted mentors and advisors. Arguably three may have been overkill, but given the nature and complexity of the decisions, each one illuminated the path directly in front of me in a way I needed to discern. As well, this repetition provided unified confirmation that I personally needed during a hard season of learning to trust my voice. I needed that space to surrender, listen, wait, and trust.   

What is vocational discernment

It wasn’t until I put myself in the position of those who we work with  - people in places of confusion, stuckness, isolation and hopelessness - that I began to really unpack how this is done. I was asked to unpack questions like, “What does vocational discernment actually look like?” “What is the difference between decision-making and discernment?” “How does one best posture themselves to receive in this time?” “What do the stages of discernment look like?” And, “How do you do this in community?”

While each of those questions needs addressing, worth noting of first priority is that creating space in your life, through monastic practices like silence, solitude, contemplation and centeredness will greatly aide in this process. Noise, busyness, and a scattered mind on the other hand will distract. An intentional sabbatical or set-aside period of time helps to create boundaries for those who suffer from decision-making fatigue.

St. Ignatius of Loyola talks often about indifference and attachment, especially as they relate to decision-making and discernment. He states that there are 7 qualities or attitudes required of us to wholly engage in a discernment process 1.) openness 2.) courage 3.) generosity 4.) interior freedom 5.) habit of prayerful reflection 6.) having one’s priorities straight 7.) not confusing the ends with the means. How we posture ourselves directly determines how we will receive.  

7 attitudes in a discernment and decision-making process  

1.     An attitude of surrender and openness with the trajectory of our life path being held with open hands willing to receive or to let go of whatever may come. We see many who want the benefits of intentional time, without actually releasing their ideas and plans to what might come. Admittedly this can be scary, we see our unhealthy attachments to power in a position, security of job, organizational ties, and all that we’ve worked hard for, being put in an Isaac & Abraham, all-things-on-the-altar request.

2.     We remind those we work with that this is bold and courageous work and the next necessary posture. It requires us to stay faithful and patient to believe and trust that God has a perfect plan for our lives. It requires boldness to keep showing up to the hard conversations, to the difficult relationships, to our time with God.  

3.     Directly linked, our hearts need to be open and generous, putting no conditions on what God might be asking of us. It will likely require seeing others as first and ourselves as second. The posture of generosity allows us to enter into a place of hospitality. Hosting our creator in our midst, willing to co-create but also willing to wait. Hosting others’ needs and concerns before our own.

4.     The ignatian exerices often talk about creating a place of interior freedom. That space inside of ourselves that is often filled with many other attachments – people, material possessions, and other idols. We must be willing to do what God asks of us, in a posture of release of what we might normally strive towards.

5.     A habit of prayerful reflection. Utilizing spiritual habits and disciplines that create an ability to hear God’s voice, alongside of trusted others. Covering the vocational discernment in prayer, repeatedly giving it to the Lord.

6.     The posture of having one’s priorities straight, asking, “Not my will but yours be done”. Here we are not allowing the things of this world to deter us from God’s best plan for our life but rather keeping our focus on what is good, pure, lovely, excellent, and praiseworthy. Asking for His priorities to be our priorities.  

7.     And finally asking for God to reveal to us where we confuse the ends with the means. Not putting God in second place, and our desires in first, but rather the other way around. Asking that our desires align with God’s in humility and sacrifice.

This is risky and vulnerable work that few fully enter into. And understandably these 7 postures overlap. What we most often see with those entering into discernment is that they are challenged with one or two, not bad things, but to really release something or someone in the process that is holding them back.

For Deeper Reflection:

How long have you been considering a shift in your own life?

What is holding you back?

What do you fear is the worst that will happen?

The 5 Phases of Vocational Discernment: Taking Steps Towards a Major Life Transition

While we are used to making choices every day, we may find ourselves paralyzed or change resistant on the whole with a major life transition. The cluster of decisions involved in decision-making can cause a sense of emotional flooding or overload. As a response, we can utilize these Ignatian principles as an over-arching guide and invitation to our inner world by accepting that they are needed and allow us to enter in. However, we must live into an active posture externally for change to take place.  

How does one live into Vocation Discernment and Decision-making?

The steps to discernment are similar to decision-making and follow a similar pattern, but uniquely flow from one to the next in correlation to the attitudes of discernment. Vocational discernment includes decision-making but only as one element of it. The 5 phases of vocational discernment include: Awareness of the need for change, information gathering, reflection, decision-making, and action.

1.     Awareness of the Need for Change – a crisis may have necessitated the change; or you may be entering in preventatively (our awareness came much sooner than the ability to do anything about it because we needed more information)…when cross-cultural workers experience a shift or one thing changes, usually there is a ripple effect where everything changes. This awareness can become quite disruptive!

2.     The Information Gathering Phase – What are my options? What are the factors in this decision? For global workers this is one of the most complex phases and where we find ourselves working with individuals and couples. We recognize that unique to those in a foreign context and especially those in ministry jobs, answering these questions will have ripple effects on every area of life. If one is disgruntled with a boss or a co-worker, shifting organizations is not a simple solution. This one answer may act as a spark that sets off a forest fire. Having confidential, outside input at this phase is incredibly beneficial.

3.     Reflection – In tandem with the previous phase we experience a deeper examination of the information gathered matched with self-awareness and a listening to the Holy Spirit. Questions like, “What do I like? What do I need? What are my dreams for the future? What are my limitations? Where have I let self-limiting beliefs hold me back?” When vocational formation and spiritual formation meet, there is an opportunity for a creative, likely messy and always beautiful expression of one’s unique self to arise. This is where we often meet with people in The Art of Transition or Life Planning process.

4.     Decision-Making – after accepting the need for change, gathering information and taking a concerted time for reflection, comes the decision. This is usually the shortest period of time as the prior investment pays off! If the previous steps are taken, this one comes with clarity and often a deep sense of relief! We encourage careful thought as to who will take part in the final decision. We’ve often used the phrase, “He/she has a voice, but not a vote.” Clearly there is more to discuss around who’s voice has a vote in your transition.

5.     Action  - Implementing the decision is the final step. We call this the roll-out. The action steps need to be carefully thought through including who needs to know what and when. In order to avoid relational fallout, considering those who will be most effected by your decision and how they might respond is key. In addition to the timing of a roll-out, it is important to think through the narrative of what you share and with whom.  

One final point of clarification. Discernment is open to all who seek it. While some may have the strengths and skills of listening; or have had experience working with career development, the spiritual gift of discernment, I believe is a gift from the Lord. Ask for it in this unique time! Ask for it for others listening to God on your behalf. Ask for the postures we discussed above:  1.) openness 2.) courage 3.) generosity 4.) interior freedom 5.) habit of prayerful reflection 6.) having one’s priorities straight 7.) not confusing the ends with the means. Remember, these are not instinctive, but rather are cultivated through direct relationship with the Lord and are fruit that is accessible from our leaning into that relationship.

Some may feel as I did, that seeking other’s in times of discernment points to a lacking in your own life. On the contrary, it is a unique opportunity to utilize the greater body of believers. You can possess both the gift of discernment and listen to wise council at the same time. This is counter-cultural work that will likely hold value tension for many.  Accepting the feedback of trusted voices is wise, enhances one’s ability to hear and make the necessary next steps as the unity and peace come.

Find a group of trusted, caring, and confidential people who get this and can listen on your behalf to the life that God is inviting you into and trust that He has your ultimate best interest in this process!

For reflection:

Think back to a time when you included trusted voices in your decisions, what was different about that decision compared to others?

When did you wish you would have listened to others, but didn’t?

What are some unhealthy attachments that keep you from entering into the attitudes of discernment?

Important Decision Roll-out: Who Needs to Know What When

Before going through my own major life transition, I had never spent much time considering the value of intentional information roll-out in the life of a leader. For some reason it never occurred to me all of the people whose lives were effected by my decision - my family of course, but my team, my leaders, and the organization would all be impacted on a deep level if I decided to leave my role, my organization and the country I was serving in. I experienced the impact these decisions had as I watched other teammates leave. I felt it most when their decision came blind-sided and didn’t include me, but greatly affected me and my time. As a global worker, where work and personal lines frequently crossed, the feeling of abandonment existed as well.

Upon further examination, I came to realize that there are people in my life who I give a vote to a decision and there are people who have a voice and many who have neither. The trusted confidants, who are cheerleaders and supporters, whilst holding the tension might offer a voice, but only a few who are impacted or who I trust on a much deeper level will I actually let have a vote. Obviously too many voices makes getting to the vote hard.

I noticed as I watched many other highly mobile global workers there was a continuum of sharing. On one end - Tell everyone > voice and vote of many; On the other - Tell no one > voice and vote of no one.

While I assume I don’t always have a voice or vote in other’s decisions, I wanted to approach decision-making carefully. I wanted to extend love and consideration for the important people in my life and demonstrate the type of care I would want to those who had supported me and walked alongside of me.

When I saw others make what appeared to be quick BIG decisions without bringing others into it, I termed that evasive leadership. At times it was. However, in hindsight it may also have been selective sharing - with the right people at the right time, depending on the circumstances. What were the contributing factors? Reason for a change? Type of role shift? Crisis or no crisis? my history with their decisions?

Up until our most recent transition, our lives were wide open books and we felt the need for every friend, family member and donor who asked (and some that didn’t) to know the details of the decisions we made. As our reach expanded this communication was impossible and honestly exhausting.

In major life transition, information roll-out needs to be intentional and well thought through. There needs to be a sacred space for that decision-making to be done well and in confidence. That is the space we intend to provide in The Art of Transition workshops and life plans.

The Art of Transition Process:

The discernment process called The Art of Transition was created primarily for complex decision-making. The entire process from the first tool to the end within the 6 themes, is meant to guide individuals towards greater clarity with each tool building from one week to the next in a 360, non-linear approach. We look up, back, around, inside, down, and forward. Together we ask: “What is God saying? How does your past inform the future? How does the present inform the future? What are other trusted voices need to speak into this process? What have past roles told you about your enjoyment and fulfillment vocationally? And What does my body say about all of this?” In many ways this is an approach to holistic and intentional listening.

If an individual or couple are able to enter into a discernment process in a posture of surrendering the future and withholding making any decisions until the end, that ultimately serves one best. We know that waiting for long periods of time is not always possible and is one of the reasons why we try to keep our workshops to less than two months and individualized coaching to less than a year. 

Group Discernment takes 3 forms:

1. A specific method - In the Art of Transition process, the co-leaders of the group are naturally gifted, trained and experienced to listen to your life and the Creator of your life, while offering tools and holding up a mirror along the way. In the workshop, some examples include using body listening exercises, dreaming tools, and noticing patterns from a goldmine.

2. A group process - The Art of Transition process intentionally includes a safe community for the sake of resonance, accountability and discernment. When we hear a reflection of our stories in that of others, we gain clarity. How many times have I thought, wow that seems obvious while listening to someone else share and yet lack the insight to see it in my own life. Upon reflection, I notice I’m not applying that knowledge to my life either. The benefits of the community are multi-fold.

3. Trusted prayer partners - When we took part in our own transition discernment process, we asked specific, confidential and trusted partners to pray alongside of us. These people had the following characteristics: They loved us, they had walked with us for years, they had no agenda for our future, and they knew how to listen to the Lord. One of the transition tools we use includes utilizing those same people for their feedback in the process. When 8 people (4 for Jeff and 4 for me) all unanimously were in agreement of some big questions we were asking, we listened! We knew these people didn’t know or talk to each other, it had to be “double confirmation” from listening to God.

What about others who need to know?

We kept supervisors and others who needed answers, abreast of the general questions we were holding, asking them for permission for a set season and time to be what it needed to be with a clear answer given at a designated time when we could reasonably have answers. Our discernment came as a part of a sabbatical. We had scheduled a 2-day discernment process and asked for that space and time to be protected without others probing or offering unsolicited advice.

When people would ask questions, we had an answer (a different answer at different points and for different people). Most generally we would say, “We’re holding questions about fit in our role and the organization before the Lord in concerted prayer. Will you join us in this? We will keep you informed as we know more and as our future continues to become clearer to us. Will you let us know if you hear anything from the Lord, as well?”

When we felt clear about one answer - like a clear NO to living in Spain, we then had to ask other questions and wait for answers. While one door was open or closed, the other doors had not yet opened. We did not have the luxury of witholding sharing any longer.

Over the course of a year and a global pandemic, we slowly knocked on many doors - which country to live in? which state if the US? Which role would I have? Which role would Jeff have?

We offered up concerted prayer that only the right doors would open and that we would have unity and peace to walk through them. We did this with trusted mentors, prayer partners and a supportive community. We communicated along the way in a much slower process than we had done prior. We felt the desire to give answers that we didn’t have but in that position shared our questions with people more than answers. We extended grace to ourselves and asked the same of others.

For global workers, the answer to one question has a much greater reaching ripple effect than those who live in their home country. One answer about role fit may require an uprooting of one’s whole family after months and years of acculturation and language learning. These decisions are not to be taken lightly with an acknowledgement of layer of loss.

Giving the gift of discernment space is one thing that the local church, caring donors and friends can give to those in these difficult times of transition.

Give yourself a space to process, whether in the form of a sabbatical or an intentional Art of Transition workshop. Ask trusted friends for prayer. Form a discernment team. However you go about it - Don’t do it alone! This service of hiring someone to do a discernment life plan, remains the single best gift we have sought out for ourselves in the entirety of our vocational lifespan; A gift to ourselves, our children and our community.

For consideration:

In your opinion what keeps people from seeking out help in times of major life decision-making?

What would be the best aide for someone in a time of discernment?

Decision-Making Fatigue: 6 Unique Categories of Consideration for Global Workers

…And I chose the path less traveled

For major life decisions there are 6 major categories of consideration for Cross-cultural Workers. (No wonder these decisions feel so weighty!)

When asked to make a decision about lunch at Subway, I saw the looks of overwhelm in my British friend’s eyes. This was 2002 and her first time in a Subway sandwich shop. Thanks to globalization it came to her backyard. She had never before encountered the barrage of choices that were presented before her over a simple sandwich. I caught the looks of bewilderment at each set of questions - which type of bread? Which type of meat? Cheese or no cheese? Toppings? Sauces? Chips? Drink? Dessert? By the time she had gone through the line she looked exhausted! The process, when considered from an outside perspective appears to be one of slow torture; Almost a wearing down to throw your money at whatever is easiest to escape the pain of decision-making. It appeared she had made no short of 57 decision in 5 minutes flat (give or take a few!) And all before attending to her low-blood-sugar-starved brain…slow-torture.

We have our choice-driven culture to thank for the plethora of options presented to us around every corner! Isn’t this the average decision-making scenario for so many of us…just for a simple lunch? Trivial decisions regarding lunch or what to wear call for some of our best decision-making energy. How can we conserve for when it matters most?

I recall Barak Obama, while in office, being quoted for saying he wanted to wear the same style outfit (with slight color change) every day while serving as President, due to the need to conserve his decision-making capacity. Intrigued, and yet simultaneously I resonated on a much smaller scale.

While a simple act such as repeat wardrobe attire can create necessary space, decision-making conservation requires frequent and diligent attention. Especially when in major life transition. As a cross-cultural worker, I remember the overwhelm in the entry and now re-entry and all that is to be considered on an average day. And yet, when it came to discernment of vocational fit and geographical location, the complexity of one decision’s ripple-effects validated the headaches I would feel for days.

Consider this. There are 6 layers of ripples in consideration for major life transition for cross-cultural workers:

Personal Fit (significance)- Where does my deep gladness meet the world’s great need(s)? Is what I’m doing the ultimate contribution role that I am on this earth to engage in? If not, is it on the same track? Is my vocational work life-giving?

Team Fit (operation)- Am I able to live out my ultimate contribution “personal fit” on this particular team? If not, why not?“ “Am I supported in my unique gift mix?”

Organizational Fit (support)- Is this the organization that my values most align with? Where I can be supported? Where I can contribute my voice? Are there other organizations that are doing similar work?

Location Fit (effectiveness) - Is the location I’m working in supporting or inhibiting my call? Is this the place where my calling can best be lived out?

Other considerations:

Collective Marital Fit (relational) - Some may believe that when they exchanged vows, God called them together as a couple to engage in the same organization and team fit. Others have discovered their uniqueness may be best lived out as individuals in two very different settings of work. Especially as cross-cultural workers it is important to ask the previous 4 questions, “Is my spouse living into his/her vocational calling? Are they doing life-giving work?

Family Fit (relational) - Similar to the above. There is disagreement around children being “called” to the same work and what, if any particular role they play. Nonetheless I stand firm in believing that the health and well-being of the kids is top priority. How are my children thriving with my personal fit, team fit, organizational fit, location fit? Do their current needs require a prioritization above my fit or calling?

ONE PIECE AT A TIME

In cross-cultural work, it’s hard to unpack the complexities of the overlapping variables. One has likely given up comforts, home, and culture to do the current work engaged in. If shifting to a new culture versus returning to a previously familiar culture the emphasis of adjustment will be quite different. For example, people don’t often consider a re-entry moving budget when returning, despite assuming you would need one when landing in a new and foreign country. They also might not consider the adjustment phase that is needed for re-entry.

For many, the transition out of - a role, a vocation, an organization, a specific location - can be very clear. For others these layers all mesh together. And for most, where to go next carries the most frightening set of unlimited options. It is recommended to break down the great big elephant of a problem into small pieces - whether which door is closed or which doors are opening.

Consider, for example, the location you are working, as a tusk or a foot or an eye of the elephant. (Too many decisions already?) Okay, it’s an eye! The type of work you are doing as another part. Focusing on each of the pieces one at a time can begin to bring clarity in a much more manageable way as opposed to feeling overwhelm.

These decisions are costly - emotionally, physically and financially. The weight one decision carries, unlike domestic work, effects every SINGLE area of life. This is why it is so complicated and why it requires so much brain power.

Here are a few ways in addition to limiting your wardrobe that may aide in your decision-making power

1. Make decisions when your brain is fresh. Put off hard decisions until you are at your best.

2. If making many decisions like organizing your belongings, do this in 2-3 hour periods of time at best

3. Employ help. Having a third party who is objective and able to understand is invaluable!

4. Consider others who have done this before. Ask others - what worked? What didn’t? What do you wish you would have done? What did you do well?

5. Extend yourself grace. Reward yourself when you do make these hard decisions.

6. Take breaks. Breathing and taking breaks are way under-rated. If only you do one thing do this - BREATHE!

*Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me
Either way
And the places I long for the most
Are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me
Like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I had found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey
But then neither is this

Leaving out what it lacks
And the future feels so hard
And I want to go back
But the places they used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the Promise
And the things I know
Chorus
Bridge: If it comes to quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
And if it comes to quick
I may not recognise it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

*Grateful to Herb and Deb Lamp and their recent introduction to this song.

Requesting Assistance: Who qualifies for Reduced-fee Services at The Way Between?

Who qualifies for reduced-fee services at The Way Between?

We at The Way Between believe that the future of non-profit work will entail a hybrid model of fees for service and donation or grant-based funds. We want to be upfront and honest with you about our pricing structure and welcome your feedback. We know these topics are often delicate and culturally-bound. However, our highest priority is to provide accessible and affordable services to those in need while being responsible stewards for what we have been given.

This page explains The Way Between’s intake process, including the types of cases we prioritize, as well as which clients are entitled to reduced-fee services. You can see from our home page that the target audience is global workers in major life transition. You can go to our events or service page or to the blog post designated to describing our types of transition services we provide.  

THE PROCESS:
Individuals and organizations submit an issue or desire through our online intake form. TWB then evaluates the request for assistance on many levels, primarily A) Is it within our expertise, B) Does the client qualify for reduced-fee services, C) Can we execute the services well, given our time and expertise. D. Are there other alternatives to receiving the needed care or resources. We will then get back to you to inform you if you qualify for your requested reduced-fee services. Note: If there are publicly listed options for the use a code for reduced-fee services and you qualify, you are welcome to chose that option. This method of fee structure is based on the “pay what you can” honor system.

HOW WE PRIORITIZE:

        A. To see if the work is within our expertise.  At this point, we focus on transition, re-entry and sabbatical care, coaching, and workshops. Much of the content we cover deals with issues of identity, calling, vocational discernment and change. When we work with global workers the complexity of the decision-making is magnified as families in transition consider many different angles related to one parent’s decisions of employments. Questions that arise in these situations are much more complicated with the answers having wide-spread effects including uprooting third-culture kids, needing to learn a new language, starting over, and a large move budget, just to name a few. These issues of transition are all well within our scope of why we provide services to help individuals, couples, families and organizations make better more-informed decisions with the best interest of all involved. Consult the services provided detailed list for further explanation. And when you, like I can pay more there are options, like the pay it forward concept on our giving page.

B. Can we execute the services well, given our time and expertise? We must consider whether we can execute these services well and the amount of resources we have. With the best interest of all client parties involved. These factors lead us to our extensive resource pool if indeed the answer is no.  

        C. Qualifying for Reduced-fee Services. If the request is within our area of expertise and we have the available time and resources, we must consider many angles. While working in the non-profit sector with clients across donation-based and voluntary status, we must consider highest need and our ability to “keep the lights on!” Those in low-access countries do have first priority of our limited reduced-fee services. We will consider whether we are the best fit to assist this individual or entity based on many factors. We ask that when you are requesting for reduced-fee services and assistance you consider the following angles:

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE:  

1. What can you pay? We at The Way Between understand that there are times and circumstances when there are needs greater than accessible funds. That is why we ask, “What, if anything can you pay?” For nearly two years I met with a very necessary and skilled counselor for $25/session. She was gracious to provide this service to me at a greatly reduced cost. Her skills were worth much more than I was able to pay. It was a gift I new I would pay forward someday and she could honestly accept my low payment as one of her few reduced-fee clients because others were paying significantly more. I knew that my $25/session was investing financially in my own care at the max of what I could afford at that time. This was an immeasurably significant value to my emotional and spiritual health. I stretched myself to the place I could to receive this necessary service and developmental care. We at The Way Between have priced our costs to account for the needs of our clients. There are times when we are able to take more reduced-fee clients than other times.

2. When we are limited on providing reduced-fee services we ask people that we provide services to, to carefully pray and consider asking 3 of their own donors for personal funding the service they are requesting. While this may be a new concept to many, it is our personal conviction that those who know you and believe in you, will continue to invest in you because of the relationship you have. Your story of tragedy and triumph is what you have to share. We can share generally about it second-hand (because of the confidential nature of our work), but it is much more powerful heard first-hand and directed at those who know your heart. When you ask your donors for your care, they are personally investing deeper in your sustainability in service and will see the results, as well! Often, we have been surprised that there are people waiting to be asked. It just requires us to humbly .

3. Consider asking your organization. Many organizations have limited care services available. And yet simultaneously they may have resources such as grants or organizational funds available for crisis care, treatment and development or retention services. They know that your care will sustain you for better and more effective long-term service. A price worth paying for in the long run.

4. Availability of service. Individuals requesting services that are otherwise not available receive priority. However, there are more needs than there are typically services. Once all of these three previous requests are considered, we then consider our highest need/lowest resourced requests. Particular preference is given to individuals in difficult or low access countries who have limited resources available to them.

As you can see, there are multiple angles to consider 1. Expertise 2. Execution of Service availability and 3. Highest need. In the end, we may ask, can we use some self-guided method to get similar results? or Can we refer you to a trusted colleague?

Whether you have general or specific questions please don’t hesitate to ask. We, at The Way Between have a passion for serving global workers in major life transition, to live out their calling, make well-informed decisions, and reduce attrition through preventative measures. We offer competitively-priced and reduced-cost transition resources, personalized coaching and group workshops. We look forward to working with you.

What is needed to help me move forward: Course, Consultant, or Coach?

You may be stuck, seeking discernment or decision-making. You may be in a crisis that is necessitating a geographical change. Change is inevitable, but you are uncertain of how to proceed. Who or what will help you move forward in your current circumstances? Many will turn to a book, a course a coach or a consultant to help in seasons of needed input towards change. Some will choose all of the above. (I’ve been there). While there is a time and a place for each of these, there may be a best fit for you right now. Here are some things to consider.

What is the Difference:

What are the choices and what are the differences between your options? How does one decide which is best in any given circumstance. Here’s a short overview.

Blog: A snippet of available information. A sample of a writer’s voice and knowledge.

Book: A more comprehensive overview of a topic. A one-size-fits-all approach to a problem.

Course/Trainer: Provides instruction and teaches you new concepts to implement; giving you tools to use. Typically one size fits all + a moment or moments for direct contact with the trainer.

Coaches: A coach listens to help understand your personalized next steps by co-laboring regularly with you in determining what is needed for your unique circumstances. A coach will also hold you accountable and cheer you on in the process.

Consultants: A consultant is available to learn where you have need and give you advice. They are often drawing on a wealth of knowledge because they are a few steps ahead of you.

Combination: Course + Coach (for example) = Be creative and combine a couple of these for the most optimal combination of success and implementation

When to invest in a Course:

A course should, simply stated, teach you how to do something you need more training or tools in. Ask yourself three questions, 1. Would taking this course add a skill or a process that will help me in the long run? While the topic may be interesting and this investment may be something you always wanted to study for personal growth, will the time and money be worth the investment?

Secondly, ask, “Is this the right time for this course?” There are plenty of options for learning available in the Information Age that we live in. Often too many. We want to take it all in and in the end can’t implement it because of time or energy. An important factor to keep in mind when signing up for a course is that you should ideally plan to utilize this course within 30 days of purchasing or attending it to optimize your learning. If you can’t implement the material in 30 days maybe the time is not right for taking this particular course.

You should ideally plan to utilize a course within 30 days of purchasing or attending it to optimize your learning.

The final question to ask is, Does the facilitator have knowledge that would enhance my learning around this topic or move me ahead in my personal goals? Think of the facilitator like a temporary consultant. Are they one or two steps ahead of me? The content could be a fit, and the timing a fit, but if the facilitator doesn’t have the necessary experience or credentials, it may be that a different course or the same course with a different instructor would be a better match. And truth be told, sometimes you don’t know these answers until you give it a try. This is where a money back guarantee or a 10-day free trial can be a great opportunity to test the waters and help you answer these questions. I’ve taken courses like this with no obligation and felt great at the end with the information I received because the commitment was low.

When to Invest in a Coach or Consultant:

I often say to people that hiring a coach is taking a one-sized-fits-all approach like a book or a course might offer, and personalizing it to your life and your specific needs. If you’re reading a book or a blog and resonate, but still end up with a list of questions about how to relate it to your life, a coach is likely a great option. I strongly suggest hiring a coach at some point in your life for several reasons. 1. If you are facing a difficult time of transition 2. If you are feeling stuck. 3. Needing accountability for new habits 4. You need an objective outsider to listen - someone to process or reflect with.

It’s not unlikely that people may use me for a major decision because the way forward seems very unclear and the people they normally go to are too close to the situation to be objective. People hire me to help process their decisions about transition – especially major life transitions, global transitions or vocational transitions that include many layers of complexity and are hard to sort through. I’ve used coaches many times in my life because I’m just too close to the decision and I spin with possibilities.

The difference between a coach and a consultant is that you are making the decisions and deciding what to do. When you come to a conclusion, an aha moment in a coaching session it is much more likely that you will implement the change because you have reflected and concluded that this is what you need to do, not someone else.

I personally have utilized coaches on a monthly basis and others on a 4-6 x’s a year basis. Your time will be best spent if you determine what goals you are trying to reach (change job, change location, get better at a certain habit, be held accountable for certain goals, etc.) When deciding if a coach is the best way forward, ask yourself, “How would I benefit most if I utilized ____ services?” This is the same question I ask when I first meet a client. How could you see my services benefiting you?

And slightly different from taking a course, after hiring a coach, you should be able to implement the changes and stretch goals that you created, IMMEDIATELY. Results happen because there is alignment between the type of service offered relative to the season the client is in and the fit of what is needed most.

Results happen because there is alignment between the type of service offered relative to the season the client is in and the fit of what is needed most.

Coach + Course:

My personal bent is to take a course (learn a new skillset) that has a coaching component (for personalized implementation and accountability). This approach has a proven track record for immediate and long-lasting success and the motivation you need for change. In times of transition you likely need tools to help you through! That’s a course. You will also likely need a listening ear to help reflect and process your specific situation.  That’s a coach. While having both may feel like a luxury, the clarity and ease of mind the two combined can provide is exponentially greater than one alone. The personalized support, tools, feedback and accountability are an investment in YOU. And you are worth it.

Example: My husband and I were in the midst of major life decision-making that had us quite stuck. We knew the final answer would have several far-reaching implications including the possibility of thousands of dollars towards a relocation budget. These decisions had us emotionally spinning as they were quite complex and we just couldn’t agree on them. We needed more tools and an outsider(s) to reflect back what we were wrestling with. We hired a trusted coach that led us through a two-day life plan & group discernment process. What a tremendous gift this unique offering provided us. What came from it was renewed clarity about our personal callings and our joint desires. Solid, unshakable kind of clarity that only came after surrendering our plans and ourselves to the process to each other and to God.

I’ve personally enjoyed playing each of these roles of consultant, coach, contracted worker and facilitating a course. I’ve also taken part or hired someone to execute each of these for myself. While these different offerings can blend together, they also offer distinct services unique to each scenario. When you’re in the thick of life and work and maybe feeling stuck in a particular area it may be hard to know which of these to choose. Utilize this guide now or tuck it away for later to help you think through your most pressing need. If you’re in doubt, start with the one that is most easily reachable and work through it to determine if another way is needed.

For further reflection:

Think of a course you took in the last year or two. What was memorable? What, if anything did you implement into your life from it? What made it a valuable investment (or not)?

Have you ever utilized a coach? What in your life right now can you imagine benefiting from a 1-on-1 coaching relationship?

Holding Calling Captive: Top 4 Creativity Killers that Limit our Potential

The incredible architectural masterpiece of antoni Gaudi, la Sagrada Familia

Top 4 Creativity Assassins

We were created in the image of an incredible Creator - just look around. He gave every individual a distinct fingerprint of creativity. “We are God’s workmanship, his masterpiece work of art, (his Sistene Chapel or La Sagrada Familia), created anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us” (Eph 2:10). And yet somewhere, somehow we have limited the creative work potential existing inside all of us and written it off as something for the professional artists. What if instead, we saw every person, ourselves included, as making up a greater part of a creative whole! And with whatever role we have, we consider the possibilities of tapping into this creativity? What if we considered how a person in finance, in leadership, in construction might think outside the box and utilize his/her imagination for purposeful and life-giving work for the greater good? 

Creativity is so much more than art or artists. I frequently hear people say, I’m not the artist type! The potential to be inspired with awe and wonder is ingrained in every single human person’s unique design - that’s where creativity lives. I believe we are all born creative people. But not only that, our brains and particularly our prefrontal cortex, unlike those of other animals, gives us the capacity to tap into a wellspring of unlimited imagination and use our unique creativity for the good of others. It’s unlimited! Imagine that!!!

It is every individual’s responsibility to discover what exclusive design we were particularly created for. Just like every tool in your kitchen or garage has a unique purpose and designed for a specific task. We were each created to fulfill a distinct job on this earth.  What I create is different than what you create because my life experience and my skillset are uniquely me! And yet we do several things that are unhelpful to cultivate this creativity within us and in others.

Top 4 Creativity Killers 

1. Busyness

We live in a noisy world, even when no one is speaking. The clutter of our lives, whether material or conceptual, keep us from the joy, spontaneity and creativity found in artistic expression space. When we remove the excess in our lives we find free space enlivening and inspiring new ways of being. The clutter on the other hand, consumes both the literal space and mind space where artistic expression once lived.

Nancy Carlsson-Paige, a professor and early childhood advocate writes in, Taking Back Childhood. She says “kids benefit emotionally and cognitively from having long uninterrupted blocks of time to explore art materials such as paints, crayons, colored pencils, chalk, markers, clay, etc.” She writes how open-ended materials and time can can bring a child’s personal narrative to life! It's been proven that participating in art creation soothes the soul, provides inspiration, promoting mental and emotional well-being. In addition, adults, similar to children, need free, uninterrupted blocks of time to explore their artistic voices. It’s through pushing the boundaries of materials in long uninterrupted time, that our personal narratives can come to life! We limit our creative potential by leading overly-full lives. Boredom is creativity’s greatest fertilizer. It is the process that matters most in art, not the end product.

“Boredom is creativity’s greatest fertilizer”

2. Comparison

If boredom fertilizes the growth of creation, comparison is the weed killer. Comparison rears it’s ugly head in the form of self-limiting beliefs or other-limiting beliefs, limiting possibility and inspiration. “I’m not as good as____” or “You’re not the musician that she is.” These thoughts, regardless of how or if they’re verbalized, may keep you from experimenting with what the expression of how God-given creativity looks within you.

These limiting beliefs, similarly may keep you from encouraging development in others. For years, I compared myself to my husband. I would say, I’m not as creative as Jeff. And the truth is, I’m NOT Jeff! He’s different than I am. He has a completely different skillset than I do. But from the end product I see, through the eyes of jealousy a creative block inside me that can not sponsor his expressions. The way he upcycles and designs a table out of garbage is something I could never do. And although he IS naturally really good at a lot of things, he doesn’t create the same as me. For many years, I allowed the thought that “I’m not as creative as…” from allowing me to experiment with and discover my often ugly, messy, tasteless, sometimes beautiful, but irregardless, unique to me – meal, travel plan, or blog article. Comparison kills creativity. 

“What I create is unique because my life experience and skillset are uniquely me”

When our unique skill set, natural abilities, learned traits, and personality all line up and we use them in the unique way they were formed for, we know it. And so do others. This place of pleasurable work I believe brings delight to God, ourselves and others. Whether baking, dancing, welding, or doing complex computer technology. We can feel a life-giving, purpose-filled element of God’s design at work in and through us. It is also up to us to foster that, not stifle it in others. That is how it’s meant to be! And yet we must welcome that creative potential within us and discover where our unique fingerprint meets the world’s deepest need. We must harness the creative potential the season of transition offers us.   

3. Being the “Art” police

Likewise, we limit ourselves and other’s creativity in the language we use, or the judgment of others work. Take my recent interaction with my daughter, as an example. She’s 6 and unafraid to mix all media all the time! My acquired organizational skills go a bit mad when she gets in her zone! A few days ago I found her painting rocks. But she didn’t restrain herself there. She began using the paint to color sand, then mixed the multiple colors of sand (turned back to brown) with the painted shells, and finally added a bag full of chalk! A couple hours later, hands and clothes covered in paint and sand – wahlah! She had created her masterpiece! Where she saw a beautiful creative expression, I couldn’t help but see a mess to clean up. But did she see a beautiful creation? I didn’t ask her…I think in hindsight she was just really enjoying the process.

Simultaneously amazed and perplexed at the unlimited boundaries of her mind, I managed to contain my inner art police! I don’t intend to limit her or other people’s self expression. My censor lies in part in my own inhibited creative-self. My logical, well-developed left-brain trying to tell my artistic brain there is no logic in that.

Despite my desires to empower people through the arts, I must pay careful attention that my own blocks do not cause unnecessary limitations. Our limitations of both language and self-imposed boundaries of what art should look like keep us from exploring new ways to mixing media and pushing into new levels of untapped creativity – in both ourselves and others. 

4. Take the same comfortable approach.

We limit our own creativity when we fail to step into the new. . Creativity emerges when we get off the path of least resistance and try something new! (Think: Mac-n-cheese quesadillas, thin-mint brownies, batter-fried oreos! Creative food creations!) Our brains naturally default to what we've done in the past. The past is known, familiar and comfortable.

Getting off the familiar path and taking a new direction gives us a whole new set of possibilities. It is often scary, yes. Typically a new path is scary primarily because we are afraid to fail. We’re also afraid of the unknown and the possibility of the future being worse than the present. Ruth Haley Barton summarizes it powerfully in Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership saying, “When the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of the unknown, we are ripe for change!” We must be motivated to consider that the future holds hope of discovering new possibilities. 

While thinking about things the way they've been thought about and doing things the way they’ve been done is comfortable, these ways can be broken. What brings people, and global workers in particular, to transition is a way of life that is not working. The realization that one or more aspects of life needs to change brings painful awareness – for the children who need a better education, for a sustainable financial structure, for aging parents, for the ability to not always be in a burn-out state! Doing things the way they’ve always been done; when these are no longer working, we have the opportunity to see this as a season of possibilities! For many of us, we must get to the point of desperation for change. To be desperate for something different you have to be willing to step out AND BE WRONG! We know that the most beautiful testimonies are lives risen above pain where beauty has been made from ashes. This is the redemptive and transformative work that we get to be about - being made in the mirror image of our Creator. 

Sky is the limit

Give yourself space to explore possibilities. Allow yourself to acknowledge what you are good at. Spend time intentionally noticing what others are good at. Be aware where Jealousy creeps in. And get the necessary support to take whatever necessary first step is in front of you. The work of creativity is up to all of us. We get the privilege of joining in the pleasure of creating new with our great Creator.

Question: How can we be facilitators of artistic expression in both ourselves and others?  

Practical Application. What if instead we…try to fit into my day and particularly within my work one of the following words: wonder, imagine, invent, design, create, express, I’m curious, what if? Kids are comfortable with this language!

Or

Start a conversation with a child beginning with one of these words - imagine if…you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? What if…you could eat whatever you wanted for dinner – no limits! The potential responses are UNLIMITED and delightfully fun! What if you actually did it?!

Or

as a coach, I might say to someone in major life transition - Imagine you had five other lives to lead, what might they look like? What would you do in each of them? This approach gives permission to dream and takes people out of their logical responses that can often fail in times of transition. Begin to imagine that which has yet to be created. 

The 6 Ideal Phases of a Sabbatical: A Framework for Conceptualizing a Plan

The 6 “Ideal” Phases of a Sabbatical 

Edit: We recently changed the title of this blog to 6 ideal phases because what we’ve learned over the last many years of working with people on sabbatical, that a crucial phase titled REALIZE was missing. More on that below!

Dr Steve Hoke defines sabbatical as a space and time away from ministry to reflect, study, and experience holistic refreshment to enable ongoing fruit.

45.5 percent of pastors from North America have experienced depression or burn out, while The Alban Institute estimates up to 50 percent of professional ministers are exhausted from their work. Long unstructured hours come with the job, weekends are taken in preparing for and administering the church service, and high expectations are placed on the pastor as troubleshooter, conflict manager, counselor, or friend. For cross-cultural ministers, the problem of stress and burnout is magnified : Expended emotionally by transition, the need to continually fundraise, and the cultural differences faced on the field to name a few. One study showed 15 percent of first-term workers permanently return home within two years.  Like those who serve as church ministers, their work is often all consuming, but combined with cultural dynamics that can drain and frustrate, burnout is extremely common*

Combined with cultural dynamics that can drain and frustrate [cross cultural workers] burnout is extremely common.

Taking intentional, God-mandated regular breaks are an essential part of a self-care plan, especially for cross-cultural workers.

Sabbaticals are a daily part of the conversation in our home these days. My husband, Jeff is on his second month of a six month sabbatical - his first. When I started this blog post 2 months ago he was in the planning and on-ramping to sabbatical phase. Many conversations two months ago started with, “When I’m on sabbatical…” There were scheduling ideals flowing in dreamland space of “the other-side”. And yet alongside the feelings of exhaustion built up due to years without an extended break, came the curious questions of how is this ever gonna work? “We know this stuff!” He would say, “sometimes it’s just hard to practice what you preach!” Primarily putting all of the responsibilities of life down.

As he planned his sabbatical I secretly wrote. But it wasn’t his sabbatical alone that motivated me to capture this process. It is rather the frequent contact in this line of work with people who say “I think I’m burned out” now what do I do? This is what inspires a few penned thoughts.

A hug, a high five and a huge “Congratulations you’re taking a sabbatical!” is my internal response when I hear someone has made this major life decision. It’s no small feat in getting to this decision point. Whether forced or chosen, this counter-cultural step requires great work. In the pragmatic, performance-oriented world we live in, where our identities and values are often deeply intertwined with performance and production, stepping into a sabbatical can feel quite jarring, lonely and even pointless!  The task of releasing our performance orientation is challenged here as “production” comes to a halt. Here we are provoked with often painful but incredibly rich soil to discover our true identities; growth in discovery who we are apart from our work. This is the challenging task of believers embracing “being versus doing”.

What do you do with your time? I hear the question frequently. It’s a good question really…a foreign concept to many, what does one do if they don’t work? And if this is your first sabbatical you’re likely asking similar questions: What do I do with my time? Do I schedule or not schedule? And how long do I do nothing?! “Your work is your sabbatical,” I say. “It is your full time job to rest well and offer yourself up for spiritual and personal transformation.” Laying out a plan tailored to each individual’s reasons for why they are taking a sabbatical, helps best facilitate internal growth, and desired outcomes especially in the midst of the process that can often feel uncertain and floundering.

Arguably, every sabbatical should include elements of rest, rejuvenation, play, direction and realignment. Below is a suggested 5-phase plan, organized under the categories of: Release, Rest, Reflect, Re-align, Re-engage. These phases are not necessarily linear, with one phase ending and the other beginning. Rather they flow fluidly between them.

Below is a suggested “best practice” for organizing one’s time usually consisting of a minimum of 3 months to one year.  As well included are a few considerations for engagement, warnings in the moment and questions to ask yourself or to engage with a coach around. Use this as a reference tool, coming back to it as you walk into your or another person’s sabbatical.

The 6 Phases include Realize, Release, Rest & Recovery, Reflection, Re-alignment and Re-entry

(I write the following to someone who has just said, I think I/we need a sabbatical…)

1.   Realize - For years we overlooked the importance of this phase. Until we realized how many people got stuck here. We took a deeper dive into understanding why and what became evident was intriguing. People might realize they need a sabbatical or maybe someone else in their life does for them, but they don’t realize how to get one. Where people continually found themselves stuck was in the place of not knowing which steps to take next. Many said, I guess I’ll resort to taking a slightly longer vacation and that should suffice. But what happened is that shortly after returning to work, they recognize they didn’t adequately rest or reflect long enough to make lasting change. This first phase, we realized(!) was absolutely necessary to include if people were to successfully complete a sabbatical. In this phase you will want to begin to work out dates and brainstorm possibilities. As well, have the key conversations to be able to move into the next phase.

2. Release–

The “release phase” is also considered the off-ramping from work and on-ramping into sabbatical phase. Give yourself lots of grace as you are in this season of “in between” the past and the future. During this first phase of preparation before your sabbatical starts, begin to disengage from any work, ministry and leadership responsibilities you can let go off. Establish a plan for your sabbatical desirably with someone who has also gone through one before or who knows the process. This sabbatical plan is an initial framework for direction and reflects priority needs.

*In this phase you may get push-back from yourself and others (co-workers, supervisors, spouses, your budget, etc.) You may question whether you made the right decision. This “luxurious sabbatical” idea is not something everyone is afforded. But then not everyone has the intense type of non-stop work that you have, either. If you’ve been feeling the need for it for some time, likely you’re long overdue. Ask permission organizationally and trust God with work out the nay-sayers. It can definitley feel like slow work getting too the next phase of rest, but remain tenacious. I am certain that this gift will be worth it.  

2.   Rest and Recovery – “Rest” is the phase you enter into when the official clock starts on sabbatical. Don’t skip this phase and don’t limit yourself here. Even if you only take a short sabbatical, make sure that you enter into the sabbatical with permission to rest. “Rest” for our discussion does not imply ceasing from all activity. (Although it could.) Many fall or land into sabbatical exhausted so rest is essential. At or near burnout, the need for adrenal recovery is typically high and ceasing from activity is mandatory before going any further. Stop full time work activities and, where possible, eliminate other areas of stress. For some, like those working in poverty contexts, or pastoral positions, the need to leave a geographical area may be required for adequate rest and boundaries from daily demands. Do things that are life-giving. You’ll find they provide rest in a different way. 

3.   Reflect– After an intentional time of resting, you will enter into a period of reflection. (Although they will also overlap). For many this phase consumes a large duration of time on sabbatical. During this phase, you will hopefully be experiencing some of the fruit of your prior focus on rest – more energy! Questions will begin to arise about next steps, dreams, future plans, etc. You should be asking the question, “Lord, is there anything You want to say to me?” “How would you like to transform me?” Consider how God has spoken to you in the past and posture yourself to hear His voice. Read, discover, play, take a class, create in new ways. Reflecting doesn’t have to only be left brained! Let yourself enter into this phase with a playful spirit ready to consider experimenting with the unique talents that you bring to the world before you enter into the next phase.

**2-day Life-Plan Discernment Time BEST FITS HERE

4.   Re-align or Re-assign –

Following a sabbatical a leader should have enough freedom to change directions or let go of responsibilities if a new vision emerges during their sabbatical. There should be space to dream, to explore personal, vocational and family longings and consider new opportunities without future performance expectations. From the previous phase, the reflection phase, you may discover that new creativity has come alive in you. Or that the way you were living is no longer working.

If you are in a season of discerning whether or not to continue into the same roles that you previously had, this is the best phase for a discernment evaluation or 2-day life plan.

Taking part in a comprehensive evaluation does not necessarily imply a change of roles, but rather the goal is a clarification of calling. During this phase of the sabbatical, it’s important to review and reaffirm your calling by examining what areas of your life have been most fruitful and rewarding. (Calling simply defined is living into who God uniquely created you to be with the opportunity for the most long-term and sustainable impact.) The goal is to experience maximum contribution in this next season of life, which may or may not mean a major shift or re-location. 

5. Re-Entry/Re-Engagement–

If you’ve been intentional about rest and renewal you can expect the joy of being refreshed physically, reaffirming His vision for you, and having gaining renewed perspective! Like returning to work after a vacation or a wonderful retreat away, reality can feel jarring! One of the hardest re-entry facets is maintaining the rhythms you worked so hard to implement. Like all the other phases, this phase requires grace - yet on a different level. You are returning to your normal, yet you are also in a new normal. Give yourself the time and space to find your groove. It took considerate and intentional time to off-load. On-ramping will be a unique phase of what to say yes to again.

This may be the hardest phase of a sabbatical.  In this phase you will begin to transition back into ministry. Expect emotional stresses, pace issues, spiritual warfare, and struggles in working out desired changes in life and ministry.

How you’ve changed in personal development and transformational growth may not be known to others. Where there is an idealized desire to have freedom to change directions and let go of prior responsibilities or conflict that may have led to the need for a sabbatical, removal from these, or immediate freedom from these realities may not be possible. The roll-out of changes may take many months. And you may experience opposition.

God modeled stopping from work after 6 days of creation and enjoying rest. This day of rest, or season of rest was commanded and blessed. The gifts that are gained are innumberabe. As you enter into a season of sabbatical know that it will be worth it. In this final phase you and others will be able to note significant internal and external changes. As you reflect back, acknowledge with gratitude this gift that sabbatical was. And the many other gifts which you have gained: An ability for clarity & re-focus, renewed passion, and the reminder that even in your absence God took care of all of the details.

This is our current life. We're right there in the mix of the questions, the tiredness and the expectations right alongside of you!

To learn about the services that we offer people on sabbatical contact info@thewaybetween.org or order the sabbatical guide on the products page.

What of this is helpful to you? What one step do you need to take today? Do you know someone who could benefit from this material. Feel free to pass it along?

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Portions of this text are modified from Navigators Sabbatical Policy

*Journal of Biblical Perspectives in Leadership The Transformational Effects of Sabbatical in Leadership Development by Christopher K. Turner, Douglas L. Fike

When Change is Inevitable: Stepping into the Unknown for Survival Sake

In my own recent transition, I experienced a tremendous weight of confusion accompanied by paralyzing feelings of stuckness. I knew the place and position I was in needed to change for my own emotional well-being and growth. I was not thriving or utilizing my gifts to the fullest in my current role. When I was able to break out of my limited landscape and gain a bird’s eye view through the help of outsiders, I could see clearly I was developmentally in a growth lock-down! I began to see how restless and stuck I had felt for years. Was I really wiling to admit this? If I stayed where I was, I most certainly would feel the ongoing discontent and likely would stunt any potential growth. If I took a courageous step of faith to explore the unknown, the possibilities were unlimited, risky and uncertain. Change seemed inevitable. Scary. And hard. Yet I was the only one who had the power to shape the trajectory of my future. 

It has been said, that a person, similar to a company or an organization, needs to shift focus periodically in order to achieve healthy growth for the long haul. When organizations reach a certain size, they must rethink their strategy for overall effectiveness. When the strategy changes a different skillset in a leader may be required in order to guide the company where it needs to go. This is basic organizational growth knowledge. Yet when it comes to the change that individuals must make, the way forward feels shaky. The recognition of change and the aftermath to come that will most likely affect a greater community outside of ourselves often causes great caution and avoidance. 

Change and growth is a natural part of all of creation. I find it fascinating to consider that all living things have an innate measure of adaptation. Without this ability to adapt no species would survive! Yet we are hard-wired to fight it as we find great comfort in the familiar. Here we feel a sense of protection. Moving from the known to the unknown is what our animal instinct fears most. 

Moving from the known to the unknown is what our animal instinct fears most. 

While I’m drawn into nature and perplexed by the mystery of natural instinct of all living things, no one has ever described me as animal lover. (I say I have my favorites - but too many scar stories to love them all!) Oblige my tangent to offer as an example. During graduate school, I applied to work at the catering department at a zoo. During our first day of orientation a group of about 30 of us all sat around a circle to discuss next steps. I was aware all of us mostly in late 20’s and 30’s were just needing a paycheck. The majority of the work would be service-oriented in the gift shops, restaurants or small vending carts. In reality we all just needed money but the common denominator was really the love of animals - all except maybe me! I quickly learned many had hopes that this would be their big chance to get their foot in the door of animal care. As an ice-breaker we started with going around and answering: “What is your favorite animal at the zoo?” The answers and the speed of which they responded fascinated me. Animals I had never even heard of were mentioned. These were clearly people who loved animals more than me. When it came to my turn, I blurted out, “My favorite animals are people!” Everyone laughed. I was in a league all my own. And yes it was humorous, but truly I couldn’t think of a single animal I was excited to work with more than the humans I would interact with in large catering events! I still got the job - but was probably watched a little more closely as "the animal hater” in the group.

So why am I talking about animals as we discuss change? I find it fascinating to consider the entire animal kingdom’s response to change being more functional as a means to thriving. And quite honestly my love for all God’s creatures grows even just a little greater when I go down this road!

All animals we see have natural habitat needs. “If an animal’s enclosure is too sunny or too wet or too empty, if its perch is too high or too exposed, if the ground is too sandy, if there are too few branches to make a nest, if there is not enough mud to wallow in – then the animal will not be at peace.” In this lack of peace adaptation and the need to make a change is the hardwiring that allows for survival amongst animals. Peace and safety are the ultimate goals and are sought after with primal instinct. Peace is sought after even if it requires extreme risk and change.

As seen in animals that are forced out of their familiar habitat into a new one in the wild, escaping or migrating animals usually hide in the very first place they find that gives them a sense of security. These are considered our basic mammalian needs. Different for humans than for animals, we are given the unique opportunity to self-actualize and consider, to think about and live out our purpose here on earth. We are given a choice to decide our future.

In this lack of peace adaptation is the hardwiring that allows for survival amongst animals.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

The comparison of an adaptable animal to that of a human provides insight during periods of vocational shift.  As humans our particular “habit needs” are not simply finding a home and food. Although that may be a part of our safety. Our basic needs include physiological “habit needs” at the core. But they also include emotional care as demonstrated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The most basic, at the bottom of the pyramid are the physiological needs of hunger and thirst, sickness, and fatigue.  We see firsthand when we are sick or in physical pain, our bodies require every ounce of attention to that particular part of our body and nearly nothing else matters in life at that point. When these needs are met we’re able to move into caring next about our safety.  

To expand the analogy further, Take a look at the example of animals in a zoo versus animals in the wild taken from the book, The Life of Pi .“One might argue that if an animal could choose with intelligence, it would opt for living in a zoo, since the major difference between a zoo and the wild is the absence of parasites and enemies and the abundance of food in the first, and their respective abundance and scarcity in the second…In the literature can be found legions of examples of animals that could escape but did not, or did and returned.” We are reminded from this example that safety is what all species seek as a very basic need before moving up the metaphorical pyramid of life. 

However, safety for humans compared to that of animals must include safety on the more emotional level than that of a primal physical safety. (Although our physical safety is likewise a mandatory minimum.) We were created for intimacy to connect with people on a heart and soul level. Relational connection is our greatest emotional need as humans. This basic knowledge once again leads us to the hierarchy of needs: Yet when unmet we are faced with feelings of isolation and of worthlessness. Might a connection void be a greater risk for us to live with than that of physical safety? People can and do endure great suffering if they know they are not alone. 

In the book, Safe People, Dr’s Cloud and Townsend discuss our needs for emotionally safe people. They state that the second greatest theme of relationship after connection is separateness. “Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries between you and others. Separate people take responsibility for what is theirs – and they don’t take ownership for what is not theirs”. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment where a person can be swallowed up in the needs of the other or the organization. For those in enmeshed relationships, teams or organizations, individuality provokes a feeling of threat and differences are discouraged.  One must ask, “Are my no and my yes respected here with this person, this team or this organization? Am I shamed or made to feel guilty for the decisions I make, especially if they are different or threatening to the overall structure? Or am I empowered to think differently or act with a conviction of integrity even though it may cause unrest?”

Self-differentiation is defined as “a setting apart of oneself as distinct from others (such as one's family or classmates).” The medical definition includes: “differentiation of a structure or tissue due to factors existent in itself and essentially independent of other parts of the developing organism.” It’s in this space of self-differentiation that cause strain, and at times even unhealthy sabotage of growth in relationships. 

Self-differentiation as seen between a parent and a teenager, we know as a potential shakey developmental period. The natural developmental cycle of a human would imply that every person will grow and change and need to think on his/her own in order to develop into a healthy adult. Yet the internal struggle persists for the one in authority, whether a parent, a mentor or a supervisor. The message comes mixed, “we want you to grow, but we would rather have you to change in the direction back to the way you were before you differentiated (self-actualized) and became different! We were comfortable with you the way you were before. Ultimately, we were comfortable with who we were.”This same tension seen between parent and child may look similar to a relationship between a worker and an organization when the need for developmental growth space is required. The underlying message: You changing means I also have to change and I am uncomfortable with the presenting need to change in me.

 You changing means I also have to change and I am uncomfortable with the presenting need to change in me.

Vocational restlessness includes an awareness of potential “habitat change” and the repercussions for all involved. The discontent comes in many forms as we become aware of our own unique needs, for example: being valued in our daily contributions; given space to create and make decisions on our own; individualization in our work or close collaboration with others. Although these “habitat needs” may be slight, the difference in peace will be great! Like animals, our habitat, or our working environment requires a basic makeup unique to our needs in order for us to thrive. 

In this growth cycle, exists the tension of both passion and excitement of possibilities joined together with doubts and feelings of personal insecurities. Does my past disqualify me? Is it true that I am just trying to go my own way, or is this really for my good? Do I really have what it takes to make this step? Here we all require faith to step into the unknown. We are unsure if we have the courage it takes to break out of a habitat that does not allow for us to thrive. It is here that confusion and a sense of stuckness persists if nothing shifts. 

 Yet if we step out, the peace we are seeking may be actualized. If we stay, most likely it won’t. Our inner voice of restlessness sounds the cry of our interior calling that we must pay attention to. Parker Palmer says it well, “Vocation does not come from a voice ‘out there’ calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice ‘in here’ calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original self-hood given me at birth by God”. Self-awareness alone is not enough. Many can not hear the voice of reason from within. A safe and supportive community of care supplements where the voices of insecurity compete.

What keeps us from taking the step required to find our deep peace, our unique habitat where we can thrive? The simple answer is that we, like animals, don’t want to leave a safe and familiar environment to move into one of unknown unless we are at risk. It is often the self-limiting insecurities which disempower us from making these changes. It is a risk to step into the unknown. But the risk has the potential to open a whole new environment not just to survive, but to thrive.

And while I’m still fascinated by humans more than animals, I find it remarkable to compare the great correlations all of creation shares in common.

Questions: What keeps you from taking the next step required to find a place where you can thrive? What change is on my horizon that I am struggling to make? What help do I need to process these changes? What can I envision the future on the other side of these changes to look like?

Resources: Merriam Webster online, Life of Pi, Parker Palmer, Safe People, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need

The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition - Clarity exercise Part 2

See The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition: Questions to ask - Part 1

When it comes to a vocational or career change, the possibilities appear unlimited. Our minds may take on a fight, flight or likely a freeze effect. The frontal lobe in our brain, acts like an overheated engine. It can’t take the myriad of options, so it begins to shut down…anxiety sets in. If we are able to employ a trusted friend or set of tools to gain perspective the ugly monster of overwhelm becomes a much more manageable companion.

We left off in the previous post (the overwhelm of decision-making part 1) with “together let’s approach the blocks that feel like an elephant and make them an eye - seeing them as an opportunity to explore, discover and create something new & life-giving! We can’t tackle the whole elephant right now, What feels most pressing?” Although the options may still take on 100 different variations, the primary decision can be broken down into just a handful of categories or even just one. How does one get from overwhelm to decision? What decision appears most pressing?

Now before we go any further, there exists an assumption that a well-thought through discernment process of gaining information about one’s options, talking to trusted individuals and mentors and a concerted amount of prayer, has gone into the process up to this point. Decision-making happens most effectively after a long season of discernment.

Transition takes place over the course of many small decisions, month after month. Getting to this point in making a major life decision primarily consists of listening to one’s heart and attending to the desires and longings of the soul that have existed for many months if not years. This point in time is often just a finalizing piece to a greater series of decisions. This is not to minimize the importance and the complexity. But rather to validate that your gut, your spouse, your friends, and God have all been speaking to you up to this point.

Decision-making happens most effectively after a long season of discernment.

In this post exists an exercise, a tool called the decision-making grid, to utilize in times of complicated or overwhelming decision-making. It’s quite simple and chances are you’re already familiar with it. A few years ago when faced with a series of decisions that seemed fit with equal pros and cons, I asked my friend and coach for some perspective. When she suggested using a decision-making grid I couldn’t conceptualize how it was different than making a list of pros and cons - my typical style! She briefly walked me through it over the phone. The simplicity almost seemed elementary. Yet it worked! Maybe like myself, you never thought to utilize it in major life decision. Here’s how it works.

The simplifying of options and narrowing down of questions, brings greater clarity than remaining in a place of swimming in the ocean of unlimited possibilities. In my opinion the process of discerning a major career move, organization or vocational path includes focusing first on personal fit (often referred to as calling). When we approach personal fit through the lense of these limited possibilities the decision-making begins to take the shape of a just a handful of possibilities.

Here we are talking primarily about decisions around personal fit and calling:

The 7 categories to consider personal fit/calling: (from the previous post The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition)

1.     Keep doing what I already do well but change the environment - Maybe you have outgrown the structure of the team or organization. Potentially staying in an environment, limits the opportunity for growth.

2.     Keep the work; reallocate or change the quantity - some may consider focusing their target audience to better match their passion. As well, changing the quantity allows for specialization, influence and impact.

3.     Change the work, but stay in the same environment - Within an organization maybe there is another set of possibilities. For example maybe you were hired on as an assistant but have outgrown the role where your gift mix would be better used.

4.     Turn an avocation into a new career - many look towards their voluntary service opportunities as what they would ultimately like to do for life-giving work. For example, during a transition season in my life I went to a local hospital and asked if I could volunteer doing play therapy in the children’s ward. Amazing to me now, is the passion I’ve always had for kinesthetic healing!

5.     Take on a parallel career For example, take your training role and look for another outlet like public speaking or book writing. This track is often pursued for the sake of funding, peer-mentoring, or influence.

6.     Get more training - maybe the way forward for you requires a complete shift and more specialized training in a specific field of interest. This option affords one more discernment time as he/she researches a specific field.

7.     Keep on doing the same thing - After a season of discernment and searching, you may have learned that what you have now is really a great fit and at this point nothing needs to change but something internally. Possibly it required an internal shift of gratitude or perspective to recognize the value of what you have and that every organization and team has faults. Answering, these are the ones I’m willing to live with!

I often recommend a sabbatical for a time of rest before major life decision-making. (See: “Overcoming the Top 3 Objections for taking a Sabbatical”) The need to clear one’s mind and gain perspective is invaluable in clarity gaining regardless of what decision may need to be made.

Where does one start in sorting through these 7 options and creating any semblance of a plan? Might I suggest as my mentor did, to utilize a decision-making grid?

When a decision-making grid is utilized, it allows one to see the options on paper and begin to compare them one against another not one to one million! Which is how it can often feel in your head. This process can help begin to make concrete the seemingly unlimited possibilities that can tend to have a swirling and overwhelming life of their own. 

Here’s how a decision-making grid works:

1.  Form the main question. Start by forming a question that you will use to evaluate all of the possibilities. Ask a question like: Which of these 7 options currently resonates most with me? If you are unable to get past this point, employ a friend or coach to help you form the question.    

2. Make a table to represent your top 4-5 choices for your futures (a 5x5 table for example). An equal number of horizontal and vertical boxes will be used. It isn’t necessary to compare all 7 options as not all of them may be possibilities. Limiting the options is the goal at this point, not expanding.

3. Assign a number and short identifier such as an abbreviated description of your top choices in the top row and far left column. The list will be the same on both the left row and top column. So for example if you’re utilizing the list from above, you would consider #’s 1-7. If they are all options than they all go on the horizontal and vertical lines.

Vocational Discernment Decision-Making Grid Example

4. Put X’s on the numbers that coincide such as 3 vs 3 as you won’t be comparing the same number against itself.

5. Go through each row. When you compare number 1 to number 2, ask the question that you have chosen:   “Which option more accurately aligns with my current longings? Or – Which option do I believe best allows for utilization of my personality & strengths?  Or “Given our current family needs, which possibility is the best future fit?”

Note: You’ve already done the hard work…Don’t over-analyze. Go with your gut at this point. 

6. Write the number chosen between the two options in the box. You will be comparing the same things twice, for example 2 vs. 4 and 4 vs. 2 it’s okay to change your mind or have a split. Often this double comparison produces double confirmation. But do not be alarmed if it does not!

7.  After you’ve gone through the whole table, count up how many of each number you have: 1 - __, 2 - __, 3-__, 4-__, 5-__, 6-__

8. You should have a number with a higher total than the others.

9. At the end of this exercise, consider how the option with the top number of points sounds to you?

10. If all ends in a tie, consult a friend or sleep on it. Try on the different options wherever you land. If you’re truly at a place of being able to live into your decision, imaging your life in that change will provide you with new ideas for the future.

11. When all is done, run this decision by the same people that have helped you get to this point. Something like: Given what you know about where I’m at, does this sound like a good option for my future?  Is there something else that I’m not considering? Surprisingly to many who are in transition is that those closest to the decision-maker already had a pretty good idea and are NOT surprised with a big decision. Call it intuition or a good friend. I would also call it the gift of being outside a cluttered decision-making mind.

The sweet dog ended up with the name Tracker. Unfortunately he only lived into that name as a sick rescue puppy for another 3 weeks. Our family misses him.

On a smaller scale our family recently used this method to decide on the name of our new dog. Not a perfect solution to over 30 ideas, but the process for four very different individuals created both a memorable exercise in decision-making and greater unity in the process. What became apparent was that there were many names not even worth considering. Similarly for you, many options not worth considering at this point for your future.

Utilizing a decision-making grid helps to shed light and gain clarity during complex decision-making times. The myriad of possibilities can now be broken down into only a handful or even just one. Concrete comparisons and intentional set-aside space allow for the ability to see the most important tree through the forrest of possibilities.

Don’t be surprised if this big decision catalyzes many decisions thereafter. Making a bold moves chart is a suggested next step. New blog post on “Now That You’ve Done a Decision-Making Grid, Bold Moves are Next” coming soon!

Questions to consider:

What do you learn from your created decision-making grid?

What is clearer after having done this exercise? Who do you need to share it with?

The Powerful Art of Reconciliation - Part 2

Originally posted Feb 5, 2019

Read The Powerful Art of Reconciliation - Part 1

Forgiving ourselves

Often times the hardest area of forgiveness is to look in the mirror with love and grace, and say I forgive myself. Forgiving ourselves of actions (or inaction) requires acknowledgment to see that our choices have caused pain in ourselves and possibly someone else. It requires an admission and confession of pain. When we are able to gain perspective and acceptance, we can experience both freedom and responsibility simultaneously. Forgiving ourselves requires the difficult task of self-love.

The invitation of a cross on the Camino de Santiago

Similar to others hurting us, we have the choice to use these learnings to reshape our future. If we can recognize that an event or events is not the totality of who we are, this liberating place of acceptance, holds power for ourselves and ALL of our relationships.

“What discipline is required for the future leader to overcome the temptation of individual heroism? I would like to propose the discipline of confession and forgiveness. Just as the future leaders must be mystics deeply steeped in contemplative prayer, so also must they be persons always willing to confess their own brokenness and ask for forgiveness from those to whom they minister.” (Nouwen 64)

This transformational work of the cross becomes that much more evident in times of transition. The encounters of the dark parts of our selves require attention – we either face them or stuff them away and become more calloused and bitter.

We all at some point in life will face that chaos. Many artists depict the pain and struggle of their soul in their creative work: Paintings are dark with shades of black and red, scenes of skeletons and war. Poetry is filled with words of hatred. Lyrics to songs blare with rage. The artist’s within each of us, are given a chance in seasons of transition to express ourselves, make amends and choose beauty instead from this pain. As we tap into those difficult and often dark places, a knowledge of a restorative God desiring to use our woundedness and pain for His glory persists. It’s here we have decisions to make.

Transformation usually includes a disconcerting reorientation. Change can either help people to find new meaning, or it can cause people to close down and turn bitter. The difference is determined by the quality of our inner life…Change initself just happens; spiritual transformation is an active process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for a while.

Drawing by #EMYOArtwork

God’s restoring plan is the patient work of spiritual transformation. It requires on our part a repeated yes to the Lord’s nudging us to go knock on the doors of ugliness inside each of us. The lasting transformation comes only through the active engagement with confession and forgiveness. The invitation for everyone is to release with the new that which is old, bitter, not working, worn out. The desire is for the cross to provide the freedom only it can. The wounds and the pain released rather than staying clung to us. The transformative peace can only be found here.  The great invitation remains: The opportunity transition provides for us to be self-reflective reconcilers, confessing and forgiving deep areas of incredible hurt and pain. To move into the new with great freedom.

In our challenges with others, can I actively thank God for the people that bring dissonance in my life? “To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll your tongue over the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor the last toothsome morsel of both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you” Fredrick Buechner

For deeper reflection: 

Where do you feel deep emotional hurt? Where do you carry anger or bitterness in your heart towards yourself, your spouse, your parents, your organization, or your community with whom you’ve ministered? What is your invitation today as it relates to confession and forgiveness? What are the dark sides of your leadership that lie beneath the surface and need attending to in this period of in-between? 

Drawing by #artofhoping

Visual Prayer Exercise:

Draw a cross with as much or as little detail as you’d like. Consider someone with whom you are currently struggling. (i.e. Yourself, God, another person). As you draw, let the color express heaviness, negativity, ways you are hurt or have been wronged. As you think of words list them in relation to each party on either side of the arms of the cross. These might include thoughts or feelings, ways you’ve been hurt or wronged, things you dislike about the person, ways that you have done wrong. Let negative and angry thoughts be welcome but not take over.