The Joy and Dread of Moving To and From a Foreign Country: Keep, Give, Recycle

The joy and dread of moving to and from a foreign country.

Moving has always included a certain element of dread. From a young age, I was told, you’ll make friends around the world, and see things others won’t. And while I knew and experienced the reality of that truth, the lack of one home caused deep confusion in my place of belonging and of my belongings.

For many who have lived a lifetime of moving, the stuff becomes reflective - either getting stuck in a period of time surrounding oneself with all the things, or completely releasing all things and living a rigidly simplistic lifestyle.

My journey has included both of which I hope in my 5th decade to now come closer to a balanced view and ability to embrace things and simultaneoulsy release them at any given moment. I want to live my life free from the attachment to things, and from a place of generosity!

This post was inspired from a previous blog when “how to get rid of your stuff?”, got a little lengthy. Below I offer what we did when we moved from Spain during the Covid pandemic and how we sold 3/4 of our belongings. This is a practical and subjective article. To understand the context, read: Attachment to Things: Your Story of Stuff and the Subtle (and not so subtle) Impact on Moving to gather a fuller picture.

Bottom line: Approach a move in stages.

It was early in the pandemic when no one was buying or selling from strangers. We were living in Spain on strict lockdown. Remember when we were unable to go to one another’s home and we sanitized anything new that entered our homes? Well, we were amongst the crazy ones who were already in motion to move in the summer of 2020. We had lived in Spain for 8 years as a family of four and despite loving our life abroad, the time was now for many reasons. We had discerned and clarified and were convinced that repatriating would be a part of our story.

To sell things, we began by sorting into three piles: Yes, No, & Maybe. We had clear “yes” piles for each person and set those aside for the very small shipping container we planned to use.

From the no and maybe piles were slightly more problematic so we began to gather these and work at making small daily decisions with as limited touchpoint with each object as possible (limiting decision-making). We were still months away from our launch date, but the sorting was in full swing. I knew I wanted to save my best energy for the end to be with people whole-heartedly. We set our move out date a month earlier than our flight, organized a place to stay at our friend’s and began the tedious task of determining meaning from our belongings.

This was an ongoing process, but we knew big things and certain electrical appliances (and toilet paper roll projects) wouldn’t make the cut of expensive shipping.

We then began taking pictures of items with as much detail as possible to sell.

Next, using these pictures, we created a google doc and made a simple grid, listing every item, with a number, a name and a picture. We included a description with as much and as HONEST of information as we would want if you were buying the items. The desire was to predict questions and answer them in advance to minimize unnecessary questions and back-and-forth communication. (i.e. Is it new or used, how big is it, how old is it?) 

The reason for using the google platform was that it updated in real time, was easy to navigate, and didn’t cost money. Most people had access and familiarity, and a simple link could be shared on a WhatsApp group or email.

With a little over a month out from our move out date, we sent out the link to targeted people we knew were moving and asked them to reply back on what they wanted. Next we hit up our local community (people felt surprisingly sentimental to our stuff!), After a few intentional group roll-outs, and an added sense of urgency that we were going to allow for a larger audience to look at things, we told people to send it out generously.

And then we quickly began to hear back.

One thing that felt unique this time, is that we didn’t hold anything without payment. We asked for a Venmo or PayPal payment to ensure these items were spoken for. And because most of the transactions took place digitally we asked if possible for the currency of the country we were moving to (not living in). We needed the money for where we were headed not where we were. While this sounds a bit rigid, it was an incredible time saver for us as sellers and helped clarify expectations for the buyers.

We made another document (on the notes app) listing the number and name that went with what person. Many bought several things so this helped us stay organized.

We then asked people to come to us and come within OUR availability. As selfish as that sounded it was a lifesaver. We wrote a general email and WhatsApp message and sent it out to the masses including these open periods of time. Because most people were in our network they were supportive and respectful of this request.

Probably the most beneficial thing we did this move, was in setting up LIMITED pickup times. When I say limited, I mean limited! We offered two windows of time for buyers to come or send someone on their behalf. (Example: Tuesday 12-3 and Thursday 3-6). Of course if we had someone who bought a lot, or had a good reason, we made exceptions.

I can’t say it enough…Scheduling blocks of limited time for pickup made all the difference! When you’re talking about communicating with 30+ people this will limit the communication to serve you well - especially in relational-centered cultures! (Whatever permission you need to do this, please find it!)

There are so many things to do in the final countdown before moving and while many do understand this limitation, there seem to be an equal number who don’t. Don’t be flexible on this. You are leaving your whole life which always includes a vast array of emotions, not to mention is stressful and time-consuming, and A LOT of work.

Included in those windows of time, we added a garage/yard sale & “free” sale at the very end. While people were picking up the bigger items, we were setting up the little items that we didn’t take pictures of for a sale at the end of the week. Now, let me just add that garage sales can be a pain. Prices are low, you sit there for hours, and well, you get it. But the good thing was that when people came to get their bigger items, nearly everyone bought something off of that garage sale (not yet organized) pile, as well. The actual sale date was two days out but people got to shop early for buying our bigger items. Our prices were just above the we’ll-pay-you rate.

This time around, despite covid and the incredible stressors involved in not knowing how moving would look, we felt incredibly seen in this process. People understood, were eager to shop, took a lot and many came back for more. We didn’t pressure ourselves to hold onto unnecessary items as we were thrilled that others could use them. As well, we didn’t mark or have all the for-sale items ready or priced at once. We allowed ourselves so much grace to start sorting early and ongoing when we had energy. When the week came we would keep adding to the piles and used the pick up times as helpful external motivation.

We also had a “please repurpose” section which was basically our free pile of half-used up boxes of toilet paper (a hot commodity then), non-expired food, and other small not-worth-it-to-ship-or-sell-treasures!

To note: This particular move, I didn’t waste my time with the wider socials. I was living in a foreign country and didn’t want the hassle of back-and-forth communication. (It was also during covid and unlikely a stranger would come over, anyways. If I were doing this again in non-covid times and in the US, I would use a buy nothing group (see Facebook in your area) and Facebook marketplace or nextdoor.

I've moved a lot and done this a lot...those are my few top pointers: Specific up-to-date descriptions on a document like googledoc, utilizing a wide network, limited pick-up times, and a general sale with as much help as you are able to pay for with those used items!

Moving is a ton of work. Give yourself a well-deserved reward of moving out with AT LEAST one week margin before getting on a plane open. Moving away from the stress of decision-making around belongings allows you the gift to enjoy the most valuable part of your expatriate life, the love of the people.

For deeper reflection: Where do you find yourself stuck? What do you notice comes up for you when you begin to think about moving?

Attachment to Things: Your Story of Stuff and the Subtle (and not so subtle) Impact on Moving

When brain capacity is limited and decision-making fatigue causes overwhelm, how does one possibly make decisions about their belongings in times of major life transition.

Many who know me, know that I’m passionate about simplicity and sustainability. I don’t write much about it as much is written about simplicity from a sorting and organizing standpoint, I rather choose to wrestle with the ideas in private (or my children’s rooms!).

But what I have learned in the 20 plus years in this field, is that those who seek out simplifying or organizing practices, are not in the same place as our typical clientele in complex transitions who embody brain fog, decision-making fatigue, lack clarity about where they will be living, and seek vocational answers.  

I’ve been there many times, and I feel the emotional weight alongside of you.

If I were sitting down with you, I’d start by asking, “What is your attachment to things? What is your story of stuff?“

Let me give you a quick peak into my story of stuff. I grew up in a big family and in a home where we moved A LOT! Like 30 times by the time I was 30. (That’s another story.) My things would disappear and I didn’t know where they went or how they re-homed. (I still don’t). I grew up not particularly attached to things, although remember being creative with what we had and while not wealthy, we were also not lacking.

In addition, my story with stuff includes going to college in a different state at the age of 18, via airplane. I didn’t have guidance on what or how to pack. I remember feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. This happened again in moving back home at the end of my freshman year, without plans to return, due to unforeseen circumstances.

Several years later I found myself moving overseas for the first time, and once again via plane and overpacked 70 pound bags, too big to carry and uncertain of what I really needed. I wore layers of clothing this time and resembled that of a homeless person.

My attachment to things found a tipping point in the incredibly difficult transition in my re-entry and leaving of England. Once again I had little help, guidance or ability to process the weight of what I had accumulated. I remember most of the breakable items I brought back in suitcases, perfectly breaking as if a puzzle; unsure of whether to be put back together or discarded. I was forced to ask, were these memories worth keeping or now junk? I had little capacity to discern.

Fast forward several years, with me immediately out of grad school, I started an organizing business for people who had recently lost a love one. I was postured as an organization coach and grief care specialist. By this point I had studied attachment as a major and researched much on organization as well as implemented what I learned from living it firsthand. In this business called transition light, I listened to individuals in a time of sensitive loss and noted if they were able to also be in a place to start sorting. Many times the answer arose as they told stories and would rather reminisce and grieve. It wasn’t a fast process, but it was a beautiful and sacred one.

It’s now not lost on me, how this work gave me an outlet and ability to guide others where I lacked guidance in the past. It allowed me to give in an area where I wished I had been given - time and support.

I saw one of the unique needs was to just be with people in their grief. I recognized many felt alone; our western culture approaches grief in solitude, so my attempt was to provide a with-ness in this typically isolated space.

I would start by asking clients one primary question: Do you want to keep, sell or donate these treasures? In any given 2-3 hour session I would ask this question dozens of times.  I recognized with time, and vocational transition, that many elements of that very practical grief work applies to working with cross-cultural workers who are leaving their home country or re-turning home.

Regardless of one’s history with stuff, expatriates quickly become experts at packing, repacking and living out a suitcase. We recognize moving is an inevitable part of the job. However we forget that belongings and decisions about belongings require an incredible amount of mental energy and reflect the many places we have called home. As well, they reflect our deeper “stuff story” and how we have processed (or not) the many changes in our lives.

For those reasons, I decided to jot down a few transferable-skills learned in this work. If I were sitting with you in your home, acknowledging the layers of grief, and tedious task ahead of you, here’s what I would offer:

1. Start Early/Sort Often: 

Sorting for an hour a week can save you weeks of work in a stressful season of transition. Keeping it simple and doing it a little at a time is often the best preventative help. If a move is likely on the horizon, start sorting (not packing) as soon as you possibly can. That way when the time comes to actually putting things in boxes you are not sorting, you are just packing.

That said, organizational professionals all agree you want to limit the number of “touches” with every item. If you think of every item as a decision, consider how you will be making hundreds. Limiting the number of touches, will cause to also limit the decisions and save your brain capacity for the items that matter most and decisions which are more meaningful. If you can make a quick decision about an item, make it now and try not to “touch” it again.

2. Employ Help:

Whether you regularly use the Marie Kondo method or tend towards hoarding for a rainy day, we all have our areas relating to stuff that are uniquely valuable to us. Having an objective outsider in the conversation with you can be incredibly helpful as you contemplate each item. The majority of the work I did in the job listed above was come alongside of people in a time of bereavement and help them just to think, making one small decision at a time. As I mentioned, I would ask them to decide whether to keep, sell or donate. The 3-part question included creating 3 piles: a yes, no and maybe pile. Walking with people in this process can be tedious, but a huge gift. In the end, be willing to take the piles to wherever they are needed to go – garbage, recycling, donation center, etc. 

3. Implement Creative Conservation  In addition, I suggested creative ways of “keeping” things without having to actually hold onto the items themselves. Take a picture, have someone make you a quilt of those 50 t-shirts, donate your 50 ball jars, or repurpose those tins into storage containers…Think creatively (but not too long) about how to recycle or repurpose the unwanted items that you can not or should not keep. The part I found most fascinating is that almost anything in the “maybe” pile quickly made it to the “no” pile if they knew someone else who could use it. I created a list of local places that I could network with who needed specific belongings. Giving away hard to give away items becomes easier even with those with “everything is a treasure” tendencies. The belongings became so much easier to let go of if we thought someone else would treasure it as well. More on that in the article decision-making during transition.

4. Limit the Selling Period

When we recently moved we had good stuff, not amazing and not new. But good. And priced fairly (I think). I created an elaborate google document with pictures and detailed explanations of each item so we could avoid lots of messages. (this may be an area to delegate). We were shocked that every SINGLE thing on the list sold to people in our network! It felt like a sheer miracle (there were over 50 items...think appliances and furniture and such.) and we received over $3000. We wrote about the details on a different blog, 

5. Exercise Good Self-Care

Besides helping people sort their things into 3 piles, the other top value I was needed for most was reminding people to take care of themselves. BREATHE, BREAKS, WATER, FOOD, SLEEP. Very basic and very necessary self-care requirements for good and effective decision-making.

The most obvious – breathe – is one nearly everyone needs help with. Physiologically speaking, it makes sense that in times of stress we hold our breath in a fight, flight or freeze posture. Once you notice this, it becomes quite incredible we don’t pass out given how often we hold our breath when doing stressful things. The other, take breaks was one I learned through my own research. Your brain can’t handle making too many decisions and 2 consecutive hours at a time is approximately the amount of time we have capacity for.

In the end, the question that remains, “Is selling your treasures before leaving worth your time?” What does it reflect of your stuff story? For me, it included facing the value my current belongings had not just in my physical space, but emotionally as well. My answer to if it was worth it includes consideration of where you are leaving, where you are going and what value you place on these items in addition to the network of people you have to work with.

My last experience of repatriating included a gracious and redemptive gift to me: People who needed items we were selling, and time to grieve, let go and say goodbye. This move became for my memory a valuable re-write in my story, a new experience of support and guidance. There was healing happening that was done as I transitioned one more time.

And while I am becoming more sentimental to belongings, I still highly value simplicity. In the end the voice I hear is that this item is temporary, earthly treasure. And simultaneously, the ongoing invitation to letting go points me to a different and deeper understanding of an area of welcome growth. One that is highly personal and requires grace for myself and others.

And…the reminder that this too shall pass!

Beware: The Library & Re-entry Shock

Throughout the duration of the 8 years that we lived as a family on the field, we repeatedly attempted to figure out how the book world worked. Every time we thought we had a grasp on it, we quickly realized we didn’t. Now several months in to our repatriating process, we finally have enough capacity to tackle this great resource. Or maybe not!

As we entered the foreign living and language life, it took us several years to discover a good library with books that held my children’s attention in their new foreign language. As years passed and our language grew, the options opened up. As well, did our ability to learn where we could find English books. (Reading in our mother tongue was always more enjoyable to absorb and listen to when read out loud). We celebrated the small accomplishments of finding resources, and yet still longed for the ease of a full buffet of English learning that we knew the American library system provided.  

And here I was in my home country again and none of it felt right. The truth: The library was one of the most lamented parts of raising my children abroad. In the two years that passed in waiting to move overseas, we utilized all of the free special events offered via the library - movies on the lawn, DVD rentals and a vast array of other cultural options FREE just for the knowing. I have fond memories of a weekly bonding experience with my then 2 year-old son – bike ride in the frog seat + story time! The idea that there are such a vast amount of resources and the ability to learn so many amazing things at anyone’s disposal, amazed me. I felt like a kid in a candy store! And yet I didn’t realize how much I loved and missed it until we would visit on home assignment. With great intentionality, I would make it a priority to check out the local library even if I squeezed it in between meeting people or being with family or having to borrow a local friend’s library card. Surprisingly, It became a top priority!

During my early days of re-entry, when I finally stepped foot inside one of the MANY local libraries, I was quickly faced head on with the fact that I felt like a foreigner in my own land. I felt the overwhelm at the literally hundreds and thousands of titles of books for my or my child’s liking. I had a fleeting thought wondering, “were all of these books written in the decade since I was gone? Where does one start?” Crazy though it may sound, It was a deep and profound feeling of homelessness. A feeling that I didn’t really know or understand how things worked anymore. The fear crept in that I may not ever get past this feeling of weird.

The book, The Art of Coming Home explains this out of place phenomena by saying. “You can accept that you are not going to fit in abroad in what is after all a foreign country, but the idea that you don’t fit in back home, where you are in all likelihood going to spend much, if not the rest, of your life, is deeply disturbing.” It’s the little things like entering a beloved place such as the library that trigger those feelings of lack of understanding and belonging. It’s the reminder that you don’t know how to get things done here, either that is a frequent and painful feeling of strangeness for a duration of up to several years! And a longing for a place that is home.

 “You can accept that you are not going to fit in abroad in what is after all a foreign country, but the idea that you don’t fit in back home, where you are in all likelihood going to spend much, if not the rest, of your life, is deeply disturbing.”

Like stepping foot in an average grocery store in my re-entry, I found my heart started racing in the library and my mind quickly became overwhelmed with how to navigate it all. I was in sensory overload similar to that of a new foreign country! I knew to seek out a librarian but I didn’t know what questions to ask - Simply put, what happened to the card catalogs? Where do I even begin?

Audiobooks, DVD’s, read-along books, packaged theme books…the offerings seemed unending and that was only what was in the brick and mortar library building. Here I was, nearly breaking out in a sweat at both excitement and overwhelm, recognizing the symptoms as classic re-entry shock. And yet I’m bound and determined that there are resources I knew not of that I would be glad to know if only I could persist and like too much of any good thing - pace myself.

I’m aware that I may have subconsciously waited 12 weeks to tackle this beast for this very reason.  I accessed the same tools I did in crossing culture in the other direction, I used the limited language I had and asked a librarian for a tour of this new land! “What is a digital download? Explain what the difference is in all of these options?” Met with a smile and a look of surprise, the librarian obliged. I however, quickly changed my mind and decided I would wait for my kids to join and use it as a family learning experience. I wasn’t ready for my brain to take in all that would be shared. This feeling of information overload and possibility would have to wait.

And while I wanted to eat large offerings from this buffet in short periods of time, I have to recognize my operating at 60% capacity in transition brain that says, “Slow down. Take your time. It will all still be here a year from now!” Take, eat, enjoy, and share!

Let me share a few of my learnings here in case you’re like me and not quite ready for the stimulation overload.

1. Getting a library card was tremendously easier than it ever has been in the past. No proof of home address was needed this time. I wish I had been more diligent about pursuing this during furloughs.

2. I will likely never need to buy another book again in my life! My request-to-order books were met with a desire to be bought into the system for all to enjoy.

3. I can check out up to 99!, yes, 99! books per library card. I’m not sure who decided that number but apparently it’s the rule as well, it is up to me as a parent to decide what I want to be responsible for! I’m limiting my children to 5.

4. Summer reading programs give amazing gifts! Like a full family meal out and a free book for each person who participates or a local park pass!

5. When I search for a book in the actual library there is a high probability that it will be found on one of several online library systems that are also available to me. This is the part where I always get stuck! This is my learning curve. I am learning to accept these curves as opportunities.

6. These online systems can be used on any smart device. Hoopla and Libby are examples and are apps that are shared by the library systems. They each have their own rules and regulations as well as limitations of what they carry.

7. The library has so many local free options like a culture pass. We can use our zoo, botanic gardens, science museum, dinosaur museum, get a state parks pass and much more FOR FREE! Just by having a local library card!

8. There are classes and services such as branding and grant-writing that are accessible through the library.

9. There are (or at least were before Covid) teen mentors who can sit and read with your learning to read in English child!

 While living abroad, I knew I missed the plethora of English options available in the halls of the local American library systems. However I had no idea to what extent these services ranged. Coming back to the US, I was both amazed and often overwhelmed by the abundance available, just for the knowing. The library was and is one such system of surprise! And although I’m still on a steep learning curve, far from mastering this system/treasure/trigger, I’m one step closer to understanding the great, big, wonderful, wide world known as the US library and my lack of language and capacity in re-entry. I simultaneously accept the limitations and am excited about the unlimited possibilities.  

Thoughts to consider:

Where did you or are you experiencing re-entry shock, most? What did you immediately do about it?