Important Decision Roll-out: Who Needs to Know What When

Before going through my own major life transition, I had never spent much time considering the value of intentional information roll-out in the life of a leader. For some reason it never occurred to me all of the people whose lives were effected by my decision - my family of course, but my team, my leaders, and the organization would all be impacted on a deep level if I decided to leave my role, my organization and the country I was serving in. I experienced the impact these decisions had as I watched other teammates leave. I felt it most when their decision came blind-sided and didn’t include me, but greatly affected me and my time. As a global worker, where work and personal lines frequently crossed, the feeling of abandonment existed as well.

Upon further examination, I came to realize that there are people in my life who I give a vote to a decision and there are people who have a voice and many who have neither. The trusted confidants, who are cheerleaders and supporters, whilst holding the tension might offer a voice, but only a few who are impacted or who I trust on a much deeper level will I actually let have a vote. Obviously too many voices makes getting to the vote hard.

I noticed as I watched many other highly mobile global workers there was a continuum of sharing. On one end - Tell everyone > voice and vote of many; On the other - Tell no one > voice and vote of no one.

While I assume I don’t always have a voice or vote in other’s decisions, I wanted to approach decision-making carefully. I wanted to extend love and consideration for the important people in my life and demonstrate the type of care I would want to those who had supported me and walked alongside of me.

When I saw others make what appeared to be quick BIG decisions without bringing others into it, I termed that evasive leadership. At times it was. However, in hindsight it may also have been selective sharing - with the right people at the right time, depending on the circumstances. What were the contributing factors? Reason for a change? Type of role shift? Crisis or no crisis? my history with their decisions?

Up until our most recent transition, our lives were wide open books and we felt the need for every friend, family member and donor who asked (and some that didn’t) to know the details of the decisions we made. As our reach expanded this communication was impossible and honestly exhausting.

In major life transition, information roll-out needs to be intentional and well thought through. There needs to be a sacred space for that decision-making to be done well and in confidence. That is the space we intend to provide in The Art of Transition workshops and life plans.

The Art of Transition Process:

The discernment process called The Art of Transition was created primarily for complex decision-making. The entire process from the first tool to the end within the 6 themes, is meant to guide individuals towards greater clarity with each tool building from one week to the next in a 360, non-linear approach. We look up, back, around, inside, down, and forward. Together we ask: “What is God saying? How does your past inform the future? How does the present inform the future? What are other trusted voices need to speak into this process? What have past roles told you about your enjoyment and fulfillment vocationally? And What does my body say about all of this?” In many ways this is an approach to holistic and intentional listening.

If an individual or couple are able to enter into a discernment process in a posture of surrendering the future and withholding making any decisions until the end, that ultimately serves one best. We know that waiting for long periods of time is not always possible and is one of the reasons why we try to keep our workshops to less than two months and individualized coaching to less than a year. 

Group Discernment takes 3 forms:

1. A specific method - In the Art of Transition process, the co-leaders of the group are naturally gifted, trained and experienced to listen to your life and the Creator of your life, while offering tools and holding up a mirror along the way. In the workshop, some examples include using body listening exercises, dreaming tools, and noticing patterns from a goldmine.

2. A group process - The Art of Transition process intentionally includes a safe community for the sake of resonance, accountability and discernment. When we hear a reflection of our stories in that of others, we gain clarity. How many times have I thought, wow that seems obvious while listening to someone else share and yet lack the insight to see it in my own life. Upon reflection, I notice I’m not applying that knowledge to my life either. The benefits of the community are multi-fold.

3. Trusted prayer partners - When we took part in our own transition discernment process, we asked specific, confidential and trusted partners to pray alongside of us. These people had the following characteristics: They loved us, they had walked with us for years, they had no agenda for our future, and they knew how to listen to the Lord. One of the transition tools we use includes utilizing those same people for their feedback in the process. When 8 people (4 for Jeff and 4 for me) all unanimously were in agreement of some big questions we were asking, we listened! We knew these people didn’t know or talk to each other, it had to be “double confirmation” from listening to God.

What about others who need to know?

We kept supervisors and others who needed answers, abreast of the general questions we were holding, asking them for permission for a set season and time to be what it needed to be with a clear answer given at a designated time when we could reasonably have answers. Our discernment came as a part of a sabbatical. We had scheduled a 2-day discernment process and asked for that space and time to be protected without others probing or offering unsolicited advice.

When people would ask questions, we had an answer (a different answer at different points and for different people). Most generally we would say, “We’re holding questions about fit in our role and the organization before the Lord in concerted prayer. Will you join us in this? We will keep you informed as we know more and as our future continues to become clearer to us. Will you let us know if you hear anything from the Lord, as well?”

When we felt clear about one answer - like a clear NO to living in Spain, we then had to ask other questions and wait for answers. While one door was open or closed, the other doors had not yet opened. We did not have the luxury of witholding sharing any longer.

Over the course of a year and a global pandemic, we slowly knocked on many doors - which country to live in? which state if the US? Which role would I have? Which role would Jeff have?

We offered up concerted prayer that only the right doors would open and that we would have unity and peace to walk through them. We did this with trusted mentors, prayer partners and a supportive community. We communicated along the way in a much slower process than we had done prior. We felt the desire to give answers that we didn’t have but in that position shared our questions with people more than answers. We extended grace to ourselves and asked the same of others.

For global workers, the answer to one question has a much greater reaching ripple effect than those who live in their home country. One answer about role fit may require an uprooting of one’s whole family after months and years of acculturation and language learning. These decisions are not to be taken lightly with an acknowledgement of layer of loss.

Giving the gift of discernment space is one thing that the local church, caring donors and friends can give to those in these difficult times of transition.

Give yourself a space to process, whether in the form of a sabbatical or an intentional Art of Transition workshop. Ask trusted friends for prayer. Form a discernment team. However you go about it - Don’t do it alone! This service of hiring someone to do a discernment life plan, remains the single best gift we have sought out for ourselves in the entirety of our vocational lifespan; A gift to ourselves, our children and our community.

For consideration:

In your opinion what keeps people from seeking out help in times of major life decision-making?

What would be the best aide for someone in a time of discernment?

Dis-integration and Re-integration in Transition

By Jeff Simons

Transition is a liminal space, a space between what was (and can’t be re-engaged), and what will be (but is not yet envisioned or realized). The same root as the word “threshold”… but often more of a long threshold-entryway, than a simple doorstep to hop over.

Transition causes a dis-integration of our Selves naturally…

Don’t be alarmed, you’re not fading into the ghostly realm! We aren’t talking about disintegrating into dust, like some Marvel movie; or being beamed into other dimension, like Captain Kirk. However, there is an unavoidable “spreading out” of the parts of ourselves across timezones and places that happens when we transition. Sometimes it’s physical belongings, other times relational connections. Sometimes it’s love and hurts of places and experiences, other times its hopes fulfilled, hopes lost, or hopes yet to be. Roots laid down, houses becoming homes, and then roots lifted up (sometimes with some tearing), and seeking new soil to root in once again.

This isn’t all bad though! Some pieces of ourselves are left behind in certain places, and with certain people—and rightfully so. They should be. But there are also pieces that get scattered about, and that need to be re-gathered, or re-integrated in our new lives going forward, in order for us to be whole again, and able to move forward on our best foot.

And not only our best foot, but into the better “next” that God is calling you to in your own transformation as a leader in the Kingdom work! Bono, from U2 coined this concept well in his song: All That You Can’t Leave Behind. The simple but moving logo of the concert series that followed this album was a heart in a suitcase. There is much that can’t be brought along, and much that can be left behind. But there are some very important pieces and dynamics of ourselves that must gather together and bring forward with you, into the new, into the future, even of the line of the horizon is still hard to make out.

THIS IS THE GOOD and HARD work of transition:

• discerning what can be left behind, and re-gathering what needs to be brought into the new

• allowing enough time and space to attend to the renewal of what’s been stressed, conflicted, exhausted and lost in the journey

• and, grieving well the things we leave behind or that have changed, and stepping wholly into the new with purpose and matured authenticity

For reflection:

1. On a blank paper, make a symbol or picture in one area representing the place you are leaving. On the other side of the paper, make a symbol of picture of the place you are going to. Make a picture of a suitcase with a heart in it in the middle of the page.

2. Now, using short words, phrases or picture, identify where in the “map” your physical belongings are (maybe some in different places, some with you currently?). Then do the same for the places in which key relationships and friendships exist. You may want to use a different color for these categories. Next identify places where conflict or unresolve exist. Lastly, identify where your dreams (or loss of dreams) exist around the map.

3. Step back and see what the Lord brings to your attention through this…

4. Lastly, write into the suitcase the things “you can’t leave behind”. Those important things (belongings, relational ties, dreams, callings) that you must carry in your heart going forward into the next season.

Common Haunting Myths About Grief in Transition

by Jeff Simons

[continuation of The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress]

It is all too easy, and normal(!), to feel bogged down by the illusive power of grief and loss. It happens to us all!

Take some time to slowly digest these common myths about grief, and be encouraged by the stability that comes through new awareness, taking the edge off of the overwhelm and hold it may try to have on you:

MYTH #1 : : Grief proceeds through very predictable and orderly stages…

Though we can intellectually read about the phases of grief, they don’t actually cooperate with a linear timeline!

Grief is more like a knotted ball of emotions to be unwound and messed with for awhile. You may experience several of the stages throughout a day, even. And you will likely circle back to some repeat emotions in the process. Coming out of grief is not a gradual incline either, but more like waves on a seashore as a storm fades, that lessen over time with each wave, but never fully disappear or are forgotten.

Your losses and griefs are, and always will be, part of you and your story; but the sting and manageability changes over time as you allow God to walk through the griefs with you.

Many have said about grief, “you have to feel it to heal it!”

MYTH #2 : : If you express intense feelings, or difficult questions, you’re losing control of yourself!

If you’ve spent anytime in the Psalms, you will see why David was a “man after God’s own heart.” He regularly spent time voicing ALL his emotions to God, in the trust and safety of his relationship and intimacy with the Almighty. As Joey O’Connor writes in Heaven’s Not a Crying Place, “If there is a wide gulf between your faith and feelings right now because of the hurt and pain you’re feeling, that’s not hypocrisy—that’s honesty!”

God’s deepest joy is connecting and being with us in our authentic and honest communication with him. Not only can He take it, he asks us for it, and He loves it! Feel free to approach the throne with confidence, knowing that the great Counselor of unconditional love is already waiting and eager to listen and connect with you.

MYTH #3 : : People with a strong faith don’t grieve, or need to.

Grieving is normal, natural, and necessary. God actually calls us to it, makes space for it in us, and meets us in the midst. The avoidance of grief is the greater sign of weakness. It takes courage to find space and time to stop, engage in prayer, feel your feelings, name them if you can, then (though not comfortable) SIT in that place for awhile. Invite the Spirit to attend to your soul in that place. He is already there and waiting for you. He will help you move THROUGH it, and you will be the better on the other side. The grief will not longer have the hold and sting it once had before.

MYTH #4 : : You should be pretty much back to normal after 2 or 3 months.

People might have this expectation, but de-cloak that from your own journey, and let God lead the timing. This will be different for everyone, as the causes, depth and effect of the losses vary widely. Let the process work itself out without pressure to “wrap it up”. Many experts have said you can expect to feel the grief for at least a year—the ebb and flow of the ball unwinding. Even years later, a smell, sight or comment may remind you of your loss and grief, and you may revisit some of the same feelings, ad find yourself reflecting once again. Time can help lessen the sting, but just like with real forgiveness among people, you must courageously go THROUGH the process to find the healthier footing on the other side. The cousin myth to this one: “Time heals all things.” This does not hold true if we are not first brave enough to journey through the valley of grief…

MYTH #5 : : A strong person should be able to deal with grief alone.

If Christ let us console him in times of grief, we can follow that example. Find safe friends and resource people who can really listen and hold this with you. Grief is one of the season’s that God helps leaders truly see the reality and power of His Body in action. See the photo accompanying the entry The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress. If even Jesus models making room for others to help him in his biggest challenge and grief, we too can have the courage to “look outside” ourselves and humbly ask for companions in our grief journey.

There is no one right way to hold the pain of grief. But here are a few healthy suggestions for best practices for Grieving “well”:

• Let others in. [See Myth #5 above]

• Practice giving voice to your authentic feelings with a few trusted spiritual friends. Name them. Let them be felt.

• Talk about what was lost. Write about the loss. Do art or get creative in ways to validate and honor the losses.

• Celebrate the good in the midst, in an authentic way. Grief can feel like it’s coloring ALL in life, but the truth is there are always several areas in life that are still “going well”.

• Lament your way through the Psalms.

It may sound trite, but through courage and authenticity, there are true in-roads to making “friends” with your grief. God always has hidden gems and nuggets for those bold enough to traverse that dark mineshaft of the grief season. Gifts that make you that much stronger and more solid on the other side. Grief does not need to be the overwhelming driver in your life. You have many choices along the way that allows you open up places of stability and peace, with Christ as your companion, along this challenging road…

For reflection:

What is one way that you have found helpful to courageous sit in, or hold the pain of grief?

What might authentic celebration look like for you in a time of loss?

Embracing the Pain of Transition using Art & Movement

In my recent season of intense stuckness, where every path forward was cloudy and unclear; I often could not see past my own pain. Rather the still small voice invited me to sit in the fullness of confusion on a day-to-day basis and just wonder. My choices became noise cluttering my already full and naturally-analytic brain. I would feel flooded easily. I could not think my way in or out of this complex transition. I sought to not just simply exist, as I daily felt that was all I had the energy for. Ultimately I desired to gain healthy momentum past this painful season. But how could I, if decision-making was so impaired?

As I sought the way out, I was subsequently enveloped in new, but familiar pain...residual from both my recent and distant past. Lessons I had to return to and learn in a new way. The depth of my experience of pain, I prayed, would enrich the empathy I felt for others—equipping me to better come alongside. Yet in the midst of my own soul-aching darkness, I truly could not imagine the other side of the pain. And even more troubling was the nagging thought that I may never have a capacity to work with others in this painful painful place.

A wise mentor of mine consoled me in this season, "Sara, if there was ever a top 10 list of things people (and especially workers) experience on the field, you're basically learning the dictionary and becoming proficient in it! If anything, your experiences of painful transition broaden your capacity for the work that you are called to do." How dreadfully dark to base a career on the most intense seasons of pain! Yet the reminder of feelings of intense isolation, and those that accompanied me in it, propelled me toward but a sliver of hope that maybe this time would be redeemed to help someone else in their dark season. I desired hope and ultimately purpose in it all. Not to push past the reality of the pain, but to learn to embrace what God wanted to teach through the intensity that could only be learned by going directly through transition.

As my thoughts became noisy and I couldn’t analyze or strategize my way out of my transition, I in turn took to walking. My body was required to pick up where my thoughts left off. Walking, hiking, biking and yoga became my outlets to hold my pain. This bodily engagement afforded me time and space to NOT have to figure life out. These outlets became a life source for me.

My sole purpose in the pain became “fighting” to learn all that I could; about my own weaknesses, my own woundings, my past, and how my body needed acknowledgement and outlets for carrying my pain. A far more poignant and intense classroom than theories, concepts or textbooks could convey were these lessons I was learning in a visceral way. The experiential learning, unequivocal to the conceptual knowledge, catalyzed me to engage the learnings of transition in new and deeply profound ways—through both movement and art.

I began playing with ways of using transition tools and art to process using the right & left brain

Because transition requires all of our being, I've become convicted through my own learnings that navigating these seasons should be approached with our whole self; our whole brain. The holistic approach includes experiences of physical, spiritual, and emotional encounters to integrate our often-felt disorientation and disintegration. Alongside body movement, finding and creating art that resonated with or spoke to the pain became my goal: “Look for art that captures the heart” became my mantra!

Visual art and kinesthetic movement became powerful outlets for the overwhelm I would feel in my brain. I played with words and color despite the negative voices from my past discouraging me to do so.

The most comforting voices in transition are those who have gone before us and can genuinely say “keep going,” “it won't last forever,” "YOU ARE NOT ALONE on this pilgrimage,” “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”

Despite not being entirely out of my own current transition journey (and question if we ever really are) I am grateful to be in the direction phase; trusting God that He will use my scarred stories similar to the way in which he has redeemed other's wounds for my growth. I pray that I would be used to provide a healing balm where the wounds remain so raw and open in others.

Therefore, my goal for the creation of both the Art of Transition and The Long Camino Walk is simply: To use art and movement to learn the unique lessons God is inviting each of us into as we continue to unpack our unique calling in this world. May we together embrace these transitions as a normal process the Creator intended for us. And similar to the transition cycle that all of creation is subject to, may we see the mistakes, the time of seeming unfruitfulness, as a vital and necessary season on the journey of making something more beautiful and abundantly fruitful. I am still on a long journey of embracing this season of the way between.

A Transition Prayer of Lament

Injustice, Sorrow, Tears

A deep well of seemingly never-ending grief

Keeper of my heart, beautiful Jesus

Humbled, I bow

You wrong the right 

It is all yours

That others would see your love—

not my pain, my anger, my shame or my sin.

Brighten my face that your wisdom would shine through

Redeem my experience in worship to you

FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION:

·       What change has precipitated your entry into your current transition? 

·      What do you sense God is trying to address in pushing the pause button on your journey?  

·      How are you currently receiving it?