Dis-integration and Re-integration in Transition

By Jeff Simons

Transition is a liminal space, a space between what was (and can’t be re-engaged), and what will be (but is not yet envisioned or realized). The same root as the word “threshold”… but often more of a long threshold-entryway, than a simple doorstep to hop over.

Transition causes a dis-integration of our Selves naturally…

Don’t be alarmed, you’re not fading into the ghostly realm! We aren’t talking about disintegrating into dust, like some Marvel movie; or being beamed into other dimension, like Captain Kirk. However, there is an unavoidable “spreading out” of the parts of ourselves across timezones and places that happens when we transition. Sometimes it’s physical belongings, other times relational connections. Sometimes it’s love and hurts of places and experiences, other times its hopes fulfilled, hopes lost, or hopes yet to be. Roots laid down, houses becoming homes, and then roots lifted up (sometimes with some tearing), and seeking new soil to root in once again.

This isn’t all bad though! Some pieces of ourselves are left behind in certain places, and with certain people—and rightfully so. They should be. But there are also pieces that get scattered about, and that need to be re-gathered, or re-integrated in our new lives going forward, in order for us to be whole again, and able to move forward on our best foot.

And not only our best foot, but into the better “next” that God is calling you to in your own transformation as a leader in the Kingdom work! Bono, from U2 coined this concept well in his song: All That You Can’t Leave Behind. The simple but moving logo of the concert series that followed this album was a heart in a suitcase. There is much that can’t be brought along, and much that can be left behind. But there are some very important pieces and dynamics of ourselves that must gather together and bring forward with you, into the new, into the future, even of the line of the horizon is still hard to make out.

THIS IS THE GOOD and HARD work of transition:

    • discerning what can be left behind, and re-gathering what needs to be brought into the new

    • allowing enough time and space to attend to the renewal of what’s been stressed, conflicted, exhausted and lost in the journey

    • and, grieving well the things we leave behind or that have changed, and stepping wholly into the new with purpose and matured authenticity

For reflection:

  1. On a blank paper, make a symbol or picture in one area representing the place you are leaving. On the other side of the paper, make a symbol of picture of the place you are going to. Make a picture of a suitcase with a heart in it in the middle of the page.

  2. Now, using short words, phrases or picture, identify where in the “map” your physical belongings are (maybe some in different places, some with you currently?). Then do the same for the places in which key relationships and friendships exist. You may want to use a different color for these categories. Next identify places where conflict or unresolve exist. Lastly, identify where your dreams (or loss of dreams) exist around the map.

  3. Step back and see what the Lord brings to your attention through this…

  4. Lastly, write into the suitcase the things “you can’t leave behind”. Those important things (belongings, relational ties, dreams, callings) that you must carry in your heart going forward into the next season.

The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress (part I)

Grief and loss

by Jeff Simons

Phantom I: Loss (and his twin, Grief)

I sit in the gorgeous chapel of a Retreat Center outside of Woodland Park, in view of Pike’s Peak, for a 4-day spiritual retreat…I’m asking the Father… and listening… and trying to find my way into healthy grieving and mourning of my earthly father, who passed just one month ago, at the age of 83.

Three months ago, in an attempt at a Covid-clouded family reunion in Mexico, and celebration of my parent’s 60th anniversary, my dad’s health took a major dive on day 1 of the trip; and we almost lost him. I ended up stuck in a hospital in Mexico with him for 10 days as he went through severe and unexplainable symptoms, complete loss of reality and memory, and all the messy and visceral challenges that come with a body and person breaking down.

We finally got him back to California, to the care of his doctor and several specialists. The cause remained an undiagnosed mystery, but he began to bounce back and was able to eventually return home. A few weeks later, however, a major stroke and stage-4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis found him being transitioned to his final few days in hospice. We were all barely able to gather as a family to say our last goodbyes, and put together a memorial service.

After what was a whirlwind of emotions, we are all left to figure out how to navigate the grieving process in our own ways…

This is death #5 in our family in the last eight months.

It’s been 2.5 years after our decision to move back from over 8 years of service as a family in Spain, and then the resulting transition to follow, complicated and elongated awkwardly by the Covid pandemic.

In part of the group discernment process that Sara and I underwent to decide whether it was time to: 1) leave Spain, 2) move off the team I was then serving with, and 3) stay with the same organization; one thing became very clear from the the Lord in that time…It was time to return to the US for a season of parent care.

Now, my parents as well as Sara’s had experienced some ailments thus far, but nothing so urgent that we felt pressured to quickly move in hope of being with them in their final days. However, it was apparent on our hearts, and those on our discernment team, that this was becoming a priority, on the personal front.

I carry great gratitude now to the Lord for His leading us to be Stateside these past 2 years, and to have some more quality moments with my parents before my dad’s passing. There remain areas that we are still in transition and stabilizing as a family in Colorado; and the decline of my father’s health, more pre-mature than any of us imagined, has been a significant part of this transition for us.

Transition, no matter how positive, no matter how “well” things are going according to plan, or no matter how tumultuous and sudden it is, come accompanied by two surprising and unavoidable undercurrents (phantoms, really) that we are often not aware of, and rarely give enough credit to, until they sneak up on us:

  1. Loss (and his twin, Grief)

    and

  2. Illusive Stress

Here’s what I’m being reminded of in this sudden time of grief. Both of these phantoms:

  • diminish our capacity and efficiency by at least 50% while in transition, and surround us in a fog.

  • neither can be sped up—though much can be done to slow down or stall your journey, if you’re unaware.

  • require more internal and emotional work, rather than external fix-its or solutions—they can’t be intellectualized away!

  • and despite the level of humility the Lord has transformed us toward, we ALL struggle with admitting that these “ghosts” are present, and that we cannot expel them on our own, despite our perceived strength!

We need help.

Loss and Grief come at us from a variety of trajectories, and often in combination(!), during transition:

    • They Follow you! For example:

      • The missing and distancing of friendships and joys that were gifts in the place that you’re leaving

      • Questions about effectiveness during your time and work there… what didn’t transpire as quickly, or AT ALL, that you hoped would? Will the seeds you planted and the relationships you built last, or continue to make an impact?

      • What belongings, some sacred, have had to be left behind in the sorting toward affordable shipping, or in the suddenness of your forced move?

    • They’re Out In Front of you!

      • There may be real loss that you are moving toward: the loss of a loved one, parent caregiving, specialized assistance for your struggling child…

      • Questions about what vocation and work will look like going forward… will it be as fulfilling, or I’m I going into a “hidden season”?

      • What remains of the familiar life we used to know back “home” (if you call it that anymore) as people’s lives have moved on and changed since we left, the country has changed, WE have changed. What is the new ME in this re-entry space?

    • They’re Inside you!

      • What is my identity now in this “no man’s land”?

      • Where is God in all of these rapids? And if you had to depart unexpectedly or suddenly: Does God know what He’s doing? Why bring me all the over here after all that work, time and transition to simply pull me out, all of a sudden?

      • What are my gifts and skills rooted in now, and will they find root again in a meaningful and impactful way.

    • They’re Alongside of you, too! Yikes.

      • Did I bring the “right” stuff with me? Did I leave the “right” stuff behind?

      • How am I to lead my family members well in this transition, when I feel the panicky edge and instability of this suspended season myself?

      • How do I explain this transition to others in a way that makes sense, when I can’t even make sense of it all?

As Kenneth Haugk(*) reminds us: “Grief is normal, natural, and necessary.” It happens to everyone, it cannot be avoided, it is NOT a sign of weakness (though left unattended, it can be very harmful), and you can only go THROUGH it, not around it. So, give yourself permission to grieve, knowing that the wise and strong response is to embrace it, befriend it, feel it, find God waiting for you right in the midst of it to make you stronger, and to allow the Body to journey in it with you.

Loss & Grief, the 2-headed phantom, manifest in us in different ways at different times for different people: some have trouble sleeping, others find it hard to get out of bed. Some find their minds preoccupied and unable to focus on tasks, reading or decision making; others find themselves laser focusing on one thing, and unable to take in the bigger picture around them. Others find themselves trapped in the loop of processing, conflict in relationships, and the “what ifs” they could have chose.

These are all normal human responses to grief and loss, you are NOT GOING CRAZY, and there is an extra need for grace for yourself and others in this season. Having a safe place to process this, with a trained therapist or pastoral counselor is always a plus, especially if it seems totally overwhelming, or if there is potential of harm to yourself or others.

Making Friends with the Phantom

Here are some suggested ways to engage grief well, learned from our own journeys, and that of Kenneth Haugk:

  1. As you identify your losses during transition, list them out! Then, do small acts to commemorate the losses, on your own or as a family. For example, create some space and time, light a simple candle, name the loss aloud, leave space for it to be acknowledged, felt and honored, then blow the candle out when you’re ready. Repeat for each loss, and repeat the practice as needed or desired. Think of other simple actions you could take that have meaning for you, and are easy and mobile during transition. This will help provide tangible “rails to run on” for healthy grieving.

  2. Leave space and grace for others and yourself. As we mentioned, everyone will ride through the grief waves and emotions in their own order, timing, and in their own way. Don’t prescribe for yourself or others a particular WAY to do it. Try to practice grace at the same level God extends grace to you…

  3. Use a variety of ways to engage your body and creativity! Remember, grief has to be worked out emotionally and spiritually, not so much intellectually. Go for a walk or run, do art, journal, lift weights, yell in a pillow or in your car, do yoga, try new prayer methods, stand up and “shake it out” frequently. Find ways that fit you! Feel free to try different methods over time.

  4. Take Care of YOU: Attend to your emotional, relational, physical and spiritual needs in transition. Many in ministry are used to caring for the needs of others, and often neglect their own needs. This is a time that calls for righteous counter-intuition! The better you care for yourself during grief, the better you serve others! Plan to take a slower pace in order to make space for this healing restoration. You do not need to prove to yourself or ANYONE anything by trying to force and push the grief and transition to materialize faster. Either God is taking care of this transition season, and you can trust Him; or you need to foolishly push and pull and stress things out in the decision making, which almost always ends up slowing the transition season, and increasing the pain that goes with it, for you and those around you!

  5. Be Patient with the Fog: You are, in many ways, suspended in no-man’s land during this time. If transitioning internationally, you may be in international waters. You’re past immigration and customs, you’re waiting at a gate, but you’re not firmly in either the place you called home, or the place you used to call home. (I’ll let you decide which is which!) Or you feel like your life is hanging somewhere over the ocean still, though the plane has landed already.

    Or maybe there is no place to call “home” in this season! There can be an invigorating adventurousness to transition, like the adrenaline of a trapeze artist who has released grip on one swing, but is mid-air and wondering if the other swing will arrive in time! But usually “overwhelm” is the heavier force… of decision-making, of unanswered questions, of unnamed losses, the results of the dis-integration happening in your life. People often use some of these terms to describe the phenomenon: “a second spinning brain that won’t turn off, trying to figure it all out, even while I’m sleeping”, “forgetful and confused”, “making silly mistakes I don’t normally make”, “like I’m just going through the motions, but feel robotic and cut off from my emotions”, “functioning at 50%”, “disoriented, floating, delayed”. Be patient and graceful with yourself. The fog will diminish, and you will return to your normal capacity in time.

Lastly, but most importantly, I’m reminding myself, that God is just as present, perhaps even MORE SO, right in the center of your/my grief, as He is in your joyous seasons. It may be difficult to feel or sense Him amidst all the movement and noise, but just as we see throughout the Psalms, he invites us to approach his throne with confidence, and to bear our true feelings and hearts to him. That is the place where He meets us in the most powerful and transforming way, and shares in our grief.

In my listening during this time in the mountains, God brought to my remembrance a vision he gave me 3 years ago, before even the decision to return the the States was on the table. I was knelt at his feet, and he said to me, I will be your “Stable Father”. This name for my grief Companion now takes on a whole new meaning as He sustained me this past few months through the dark days of the mental and physical instability of my own dad. And though my earthly father is no longer with me, my stable Father shares in my grieving alongside me and invites me into a new aspect of communion with Him.

Peace and courage on your journey of discernment and re-integration during the losses (and GAINS!) of your transition.

You are not alone…

For reflection:

  1. If grief follows you, is alongside of you, out in front of you and behind you—consider, where are you currently most impacted by it?

  2. What are your thoughts on when you are “supposed to” move back from cross-cultural living, to attend to the parent care season? What assumptions do you, your parents, or your organization hold?

[Pictured above: Christ accepts help from Simon in a moment of his deepest grief. We too can reach out to the Body in our own grief!]

For further reading:

  • A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, Jerry L. Sittser

  • A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

  • Journeying Through Grief: 4 Book series, Kenneth C. Haugk

How do I know which transition service(s) I need?

Where is your journey currently taking you? Where does the terrain feel uncertain?

Where is your journey currently taking you? Where does the terrain feel uncertain?

A few years ago, I finally got really honest with myself. I was perpetually frustrated with my work environment and irritable all the time. A wise colleague said he had seen it several times before, “If you’re not living out your leadership gifting you’re going to be perpetually discontent with the leaders around you.” This was my painful wake up call moment. I wasn’t living into my strengths and gifts, in particular my leadership gifts. I was critical and negative and felt STUCK without fully knowing it. I had small children at home and quite honestly I hated to admit my limitations. Excuses aside, I had to come clean that my criticism of others stemmed from my internal discontent. I would never thrive and be in a place of ultimate contribution until I was living into my calling. I was at a crossroads and had a decision to make. Was I going to keep complaining and be miserable to be around or was I willing to do something about it?

We all know someone like this. In fact if you’re honest, it may be you. We each reach a place of growth plateau in our development. Terry Walling, author of Stuck!: Navigating Life and Leadership Transitions, says there are 3 primary pivotal leadership transition points - late 20’s, mid 40’s and early 60’s.

Exactly true for me. Here I was at the turn of the decade in my 40’s. Where one has lived a little and determined what we can or can not put up with. We’ve seen good leaders and bad ones. We have stories to draw on and life experience to back up our decisions. We’ve experienced the working world for a number of years and start to see that our time is limited. It’s here people in their early 40’s experience a holy discontent and need objective outsiders and mentors who have gone before them to say truthful and sometimes hard things to challenge their developmental trajectory.

I thought I was on the right developmental track, but a few trusted mentors helped me realize that I needed to take time to be really honest about my situation and where my life was headed.

When people come to us as transition coaches, they are at a point of making a decision. A decision in leadership, or job change, role shift, or geographical move, to name a few. These are big decisions. And ones I don’t advise you go at alone. People come to us knowing they need something but don’t know where to start. We often hear, “What do I need? Where do I start?”

While there’s not a one-size fits all answer, this article explains The Way Between’s service offerings, including the questions you can ask yourself to coach yourself into a decision of which direction of care you need to focus on for your particular situation. You can see from our home page that The Way Between’s target audience is global workers in major life transition. However, the services are NOT limited to global workers only. You can also go to our services or event page to learn more about the many types of transition services we provide.

While knowing what is needed and where to start can sometimes be the hardest part on the journey. Here’s a short guide to lead you:

  1. Start with, What statement(s) or complaints do I often hear myself saying: “I’m so tired. I hate this job. I’m overwhelmed with my workload. I need clarity. I wish I had more dreams.” These are your catalyst statements and indicators of where to start. These statements contain trigger words that I as a coach listen to, to determine what is most needed next.

  2. Next ask yourself what question coincides with your catalyst statement? (There is a cheat sheet below for common statement/questions we hear). These are also indicators of what next steps to take. Example: “I am spread thin…Do I need to take some time off?” or, “I am in my 60’s and know my time on earth is limited…What is the best way to use my time and energy at this stage of life?”

  3. Which one aspect of care do you need most? We work with people during vocational shifts, burnout, needing a sabbatical, leadership development or cross-cultural adjustment. Together we combine those statements, questions and our skills to determine fit. We have many tools and resources in our toolbelts to help with these questions. Below are a list of the top statements and questions we most often hear in this line of work. Listed alongside are a handful of the coinciding services that may assist you in creating a plan forward. Make note that individual coaching would provide you with a personalized approach and an understanding of other tools that may prove uniquely useful for your situation.

Paying attention to these statements as catalysts and questions as direction, can help you to begin to move ahead.

What statement(s) or complaints do I often hear myself saying most? These statements contain trigger words that I as a coach listen to, to determine what is most needed next.

Listed below is the Service Guide: Catalyst, Question and Service(s) Available Chart.

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Listen to your internal nudge. What is one practical step you can take today to get you moving on the right path? Do any of these familiar to us statements + questions resonate with where you are at right now?

I am in my 60’s and know my time on earth is limited…What is the best way to use my time and energy at this stage of life?

Given my limitations of _____(time, money, resources, etc.), I’m finding it difficult to stay in my current role… What are my other options?

I am not experiencing fruit or enjoyment most of the time in my current role…should I stay in it?

I am spread thin…Do I need to take some time off?

I feel like I’m on the verge of burnout, there is just so much to do…How can I be intentional about how I use my time?

My kids are not thriving in school…Is that enough to uproot my family and repatriate?

I feel spiritually and emotionally dead…What can I do to regain momentum in this area?

I still feel angry at my past employer, spouse, or co-worker…Will I ever find peace?

Whether you have general or specific questions please don’t hesitate to ask. We, at The Way Between have a passion for serving people in major life transition, to live out their calling, make well-informed decisions, and reduce attrition through preventative measures. We offer competitively-priced and reduced-cost transition resources, personalized coaching and group workshops. We look forward to working with you.

For deeper reflection:

These statements are worth listening to. How often do you hear yourself saying them? Have others heard you say them? Ask! Where do you feel most stuck? What compels you to change? What inhibits you from doing anything about it?







Caring for Your Body in Transition: A Simple Take Anywhere Workout

 

I just arrived. We’ve been on the move for weeks. My whole body hurts…That jetlag I’m-on-a-different-planet kind of hurt. And despite just barely being able to find my toothbrush and a cup of coffee, I know my body would be served best if I move. I’m aware of my total body depletion. A small thank you and nod to my body for the load it’s been carrying.

 

Sleep and a bit of organization and orientation and a gentle exercise routine. As I wake this morning I gauge my energy to be at about 50%. I’m reminded of the “simplest workout ever” that my amateur UFC fighting, trainer brother re-introduced me to recently. I needed to do it alongside of him to see once again how easy it is. I think to myself, “I can do at least that. I need to do that. Even if I only do it at 50%!” 

 

Here’s all you need:

One resistance band

A timer set for 2 minutes  

30 minutes

THAT’S IT!

(I add music for motivation and a towel or mat for my knees during pushups) 

 

The routine:

2 minutes of your choice of resistance band arms

10-15 pushups

2 minutes of cardio (running in place, invisible jump rope, high knees, etc.)

10-15 pushups

 

REPEAT 6 times = 30 minutes

 

I’m convinced that the best thing we can do for our bodies, our minds and for others, is to just show up for a workout. Today I listen to my body that speaks loudly, “keep it light, but keep moving”. 30 minutes looks like continual movement and a total of 50-75 pushups. I congratulate myself for showing up. And despite my whole body tiredness, I ultimately feel better more empowered for it.

 

What is your favorite simple routine?

All of Creation is Subject to Transition

Avocado bounty

Avocado bounty

The natural order of creation necessitates built-in rhythms of seasons of lacking, and seasons of fullness. Consider the journey of the last 5 years of our avocado tree for example. A poor sickly first year after we moved in; and although ripe with fruit, they were small, tasteless, & unhealthy. The gardener insisted on following this crop with a sharp, extreme pruning and long season of watering and plant food. Much to my sadness and doubt of the extreme pruning approach, the following year produced absolutely nothing! I was ready to call it for dead. Year three followed with another constant stream of watering in the off-months, fertilizing and nurturing. During harvest season to our delight we saw one! large, healthy avocado per week for eight weeks! The flavor increased as the tree came into greater health. But the crop unusually small, in my opinion. Uncertain if the tree would ever fully recover from its extreme pruning and years of unhealth, year four shocked us! During the harvest season, over the course of several months, one single tree produced an incredible and abundant fruit incomparable to the years prior. Over 800 large and incredibly flavorful avocados were picked and enjoyed with great delight! The harsh pruning and years of barrenness that preceded produced in it an amazing fruit that required time, patience and faith.

For me, the symbolism of this one tree, highlighted to me that our great Creator subjects every part of His creation to seasons of barrenness, pruning and harvest. Showing me so poignantly in this beautiful illustration his care for all of creation remains. All of creation is subject to seasons of transition.The metaphors of this season are all around for us, the observer. A brilliant, painful and potentially comforting part of the great designer’s purpose. Illustrations for our learning…

God’s beauty in creation as seen in Mallorca

God’s beauty in creation as seen in Mallorca

This knowledge that change precedes transition, and is in turn followed by loss—as well is a natural order to creation—when embraced by atransitionee, helps with the release of expectation to have to figure it all out. Rather permission is granted to allow freedom to embrace transition almost as a rite of passage—a relatively short season of in-between, or rather a way of disengaging from the old identity, helping us find new norms and pathways. It is symbolized by an end of one way and a passage into a new way. Well-known author William Bridges states that “Transition is the process of letting go of the way things used to be and then taking hold of the way they subsequently become. In between the letting go and the taking hold there is a chaotic but potentially creative ‘neutral zone.’” How then do we enter this neutral and often barren transition space?

INVITATION

The period of time in which we label transition is a season where God is looking to transform each one of us and make us more like Him. We discover again and again our need for intimacy and connection with the Creator of the universe, but ever so poignantly in this often vacuous and dark season. We are reminded of the gift of being the only created beings with the ability to communicate, think, and have intimacy with the artist of the universe!

The invitation remains to lean into this “in-between” or “boundary phase,” as Robert J. Clinton labels it. In these seasons God is asking us to process the stirrings of the soul to give clarity to one’s call. God uses transitions to shape life direction and further the discovery of one’s unique contribution in the expansion of His Kingdom. Transitions serve to bring about needed change, provide clarity in life direction, consolidate learning, deepen values, shift paradigms and advance one’s influence or ministry. God does some of his greatest shaping in our lives during times of transition most importantly if we remain open to it.

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