Lacking Community? 5 Intentional Ways to Meet Relational Support Needs in 2020-21

Arguably the hardest part of transition is establishing a new place of belonging. One goes from a place of knowing how things work, feeling like you are missed when you are gone and welcome when you are present. Uprootedness causes great identity disorientation that for many, can lead to isolation, depression and worse.

I want to fast-forward through this predictable stage of re-entry. I want to bypass the need for small talk, and the year-long misunderstanding that I experience in not really being myself because of transition angst and growing pains. In these spaces I’m reminded this is normal. I turn to the great work by Joseph Myers, in his book The Search to Belong.

According to his research healthy relationships have undergone a natural progression through four spaces of belonging: Public, Social, Personal and Intimate. “Healthy community - the goal humankind has sought since the beginning - is achieved when we hold harmonious connections within all four spaces. Harmony means more public belongings than social, more social than personal and very few intimate.”

He goes on to state that for healthy relationships to exist, you must progress through these stages rather than step over one to get to the other. Not every relationship moves, some may stay in the public sphere (i.e. a neighbor, a pharmacist, or a parent of my children’s friend). Those that do move, move in a natural progression through public > social > personal > intimate. When the progression is bypassed, there is lack of trust, authenticity, misunderstanding and potential for shame.

During this time of a pandemic, when the public and social spaces are lacking, those in major life transition are especially disadvantaged in discovering places of belonging. How can they naturally progress if there is no public sphere to enter? While there is still a great need for being deeply known, new personal and intimate connections can not happen without the ability to meet people in the public spheres that are currently limited - like a ball game, a church service or a party.

And while we need people in all 4 categories, we most desperately need people in the personal and intimate.

So how does one find fulfillment, while simultaneously experiencing the natural strain of lacking community due to transition and now also to an enforced pandemic?

1. If at all possible, move to a place where you know at least one other person. While I recognize this is not always possible, I highly recommend it to all who have the opportunity to speak into their relocation’s geographical decision. Finding new friends as an adult is increasingly hard. Add a pandemic where people are leary to make new acquaintances and the possibilities become even fewer. While we may still feel the disconnect involved with transition, when there is at least one other person who has known us in the past, we feel a more stable and integrated part of us moving into the current location with us. To me having one friend is similar to having a life raft. Not meant to be reductive nor utilitarian, this friend can be an emergency plan. Not a forever plan; something or someone to lean on when the transition waters rise! When I’m feeling bewildered by the many new decisions and uncertain of how to get life done, I can call on someone…even just one person to hear me out and speak my language. 

2. Utilize social media gathering spaces such as web-based conferences and virtual learning platforms. While they do not suffice for intimate relationships, there is a host of options to provide the needed outside circles of social and public proximity spaces that Myers refers to.

3. Similarly I have used permissible meetups like outdoor hiking groups and Facebook groups to gain a better understanding of the greater geographic community I am living in. These platforms provide a welcome understanding that we are sharing something but not everything in common. When I share at the level the group is intended for, I feel known, understood and gain clarity on whether I want to move towards people in this group.

4. Take advantage of the unforeseen challenges of those friends that are stuck.  We all experienced many disruptions and inconvenient change of plans during these last several months. However, I have seen repeatedly people in places they were not expecting to be for an extended period of time. While a huge inconvenience for some, this pandemic provided an immeasurable blessing for others. For us, some of our closest friends from Spain who were taking a sabbatical stateside for 6 months had to extend their stay for several months due to the mandated travel bans. What this meant for us was both the presence of people who knew us, but also an extension of the me I used to be. I don’t love saying, “when I lived in Spain” or “just like when I was in Spain” to new people I meet. I understand it gets old really fast! These people from Spain, intrinsically get the differences and similarities and can celebrate the new alongside mourning that my heart will always be divided from this point on. These global nomads, and others who are stuck can provide a gift of support despite their unforeseen stuckness.

“…an extension of the me I used to be”

5. As we talk about transition with others, one way we discuss filing the loneliness in the in-between of having lost friendships and making new ones, is to find bridge people that will stay with you from one place to the next; whether that be via a weekly text or a monthly check-in. Not everyone can or will be able to provide this, but having a few close intimate supports, reminds you that you are known and loved and “held” is incredibly important in a time of transition when your identity is so confused.

In this particular transition, I asked four important people in my life to check in on my emotional health once a month for approximately 6 months. While four people was not a magic number, it distributed the responsibility across a few of my close supporters as each individual knows me and “cares” for me from a different angle. Four also fulfilled a once a week every month commitment. If one of them needed to skip a week, I don’t go a whole month without a check-in. In my case, two of these are helping professionals (coach and counselor) and two are close friends; all have journeyed with me for more than 4 years. I have others that check in too, but not as consistently and intentionally.

And just a sidenote: As transition coaches this bridge relationship is one role we provide for others in understanding and being with people in their way between. We get it. Finding people who get it and get you is the goal!

As I transition to a new country again now in my mid-40’s I recognize I’ve learned a few things from my many moves. 1. I NEED a few soft landing pieces in the form of people more than a house or a bed. I can go a long time without a “home” but not without people who get me. 2. My top priority in friendship is finding people who can track with me and understand my quirkiness, my sadness, my excitement and the me that is not just “new,” “awkward,” or “forgetful” Sara!

From the leaving and the losing, into the gap of not having, and then again into finding new ways of fitting in and belonging, these people who journey with me in that strange and bumpy road are my necessary bi-cultural bridges. I need to humbly ask people to stay with me however they can in this weird season of in between. This patient posture of togetherness fills the great chasm until I can be me more of myself. I truly need these bridge people and recognize what a different emotional place I’m in when I have them in my life.

Bi-cultural bridges are a lifeline between the old land and the new

We can utilize Myers work on belonging as a reminder that long-lasting, personal or intimate relationships take time. And intentionally seeking out a few relationships to bridge transition (and especially the pandemic), may provide the grace we need to stabilize and begin to gain our bearings.

For further thought:

What is your greatest social support need in transition?

Who can help meet that need that really gets you?

Relational Saturation: When our Love for People Turns to Burnout - Part 2

Authors Jeff and Sara Simons April 2015

Part 1 - Relational Saturation: When our Love for People Turns to Burnout

Are you able to “un-plug” and put down work and relational dynamics on a regular basis? 

Do you have places to process and connect outside of your direct ministry context and donor base? That’s what matters for resiliency…

Areas We’re Drowning Ourselves…

How do we think creatively about this with the ever-increasing pressure to grow the connections in our context, with those back home, and with those available to us virtually?

Joseph Myers, in his work, Search to Belong, provides a helpful construct for us to process this for our personal areas of relational saturation and management. He labels the 4 relational spheres in which we develop our personalities, culture and communication and through which we move towards creating a sense of belonging: 

·       Intimate sphere (often only 1-3 people in your life actually are intimate connections); e.g. married couple, very close friendships, close siblings: “Intimate Belonging occurs when we share “naked” information and are not ashamed” (Myers 67).

·       Personal sphere (3-9 people connecting); e.g. closer person or group of friends, often share with deeper passion/knowledge: “Personal belonging occurs when we share private (but not ‘naked’) experiences, feelings, and thoughts” (67).

·       Social sphere (usually between 8-25 people connecting); e.g. new small groups, work teams or groups : “Social belonging occurs when we share ‘snapshots’ of who we are” (65).

·       Public sphere (25 or more connecting) “Public belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence [such as a team or a church]” (64).

Now, obviously there is overlap between these spheres of connection for us in our day-to-day. However, one thing that may surprise us, especially in the ministry world, is that in all 4 spheres we have potential to connect, to be committed and participate, and to find the connection significant. 

Contrary to ideas and fads, belonging is not demonstratively achieved through more time, more commitment, more purpose, more personality, more proximity, or more small groups. These can be helpful environments, but don’t show a promising track record for yielding increased “belonging” in people. Belonging happens spontaneously when the environment is conducive. Therefore attention to the environment for others and ourselves, and realistic expectations for the level of appropriate connection that can take place in that setting becomes very important. People must move from the public sphere first and must do so willingly. Contrary to many relationally-minded people, not ALL people want to move or even should move from the public to the intimate sphere. Ultimate health and balance in one’s relational health is determined by the balance in all four.

Community—the goal humankind has sought since the beginning of time—is achieved when we hold harmonious connections within all four spaces. Harmony means more public belongings than social. More social belongings than personal. And very few intimate. True community accomplished through the significant relationships we embrace in all four. This study provides insight into the environments we spend our time in, and sheds a light on the appropriateness of our expectations for connection in those environments. 

How many times have you participated in a small group (or the like) that formed out of a larger community or gathering? The first few meetings often involve telling our life stories in an attempt to quickly form “intimacy” and commitment. Within the walls of the church the focus is most often on two spheres: the public and the intimate to the neglect of the other two spheres. The balance is what is needed for healthy community and more importantly like Clinton would say, support structures. We ourselves fall into the same trap, and then feel the inauthenticity and guilt that relates.

The principal power behind all of this is that we are given a construct with helpful guides/boundaries to be able to evaluate our significant connections in our social life, to determine if there are areas that are missing, or would be good to lean into; and if there are areas that we are over-saturated for whatever reason, and need to healthily take a step back and give ourselves grace and boundaries. Seasons of transition and grieving are especially unique seasons of grace extension. The ultimate goal is for healthy balance and authentic, reciprocated relationships. It is here that we can find healthy balance and avoid unnecessary emotion burnout and fatigue, or unnecessary loneliness and isolation. That we would be able to effectively and authentically engage and know when we are able to give and when we are not.

Some key questions that could emerge from these principles:

• Which sphere is most challenging, or confused for you currently?

• Which sphere is most life-giving and healthy for you?

• Is there a relationship and connection that you feel you need to either consider more realistic boundaries, give yourself more grace, or that the Spirit may be nudging you to be more open?

• In what ways, if any, do these perspectives change the way you are doing, or will do ministry in the future?

• In what ways do you need to give yourself grace in the pressure you feel for connection levels in your context?

• In what ways do you need to credit others with more trust and grace, allowing them to belong to the space they choose in this season?