The Ripple Effect of Necessary Endings Part I

I watched with great admiration these leaders who wanted me to work with them - people who knew how to ask questions, hold the space for authenticity, coach others towards their strengths, be honest with boundaries and dislikes – they were the kind of people I admired, wanted to surround myself with and wanted to become.

When the honeymoon period ended, the disillusionment arose. Although I initially considered myself amongst the elite 14 in the early days, time would tell that being the youngest had it’s disadvantages. My leadership skills side-lined in this setting; my contribution quieted. I didn’t fully realize I was being overlooked, I chalked it up to raising young kids as the excuse to not lead, facilitate, travel, debrief or any of the other aspects my job description originally entailed.

While being a part of something greater than me produced valuable growth for a long season, for many reasons it no longer served me well to continue to remain “hidden” and excused away as this is just a season. As the God-given passions inside of me unsettlingly stirred, it was clear I could no longer thrive in what felt like nearly a decade of an inauthentic version of myself.  

It wasn’t only that. My identity became so entwined with being a part of the organization that actually doing the work became secondary. Great confusion paralyzed my ability to separate myself from a collective “we”.

It would be almost two long years of discontent and wrestling with my place on the team before I could honestly say the words I had avoided…The ones that had screamed at me for too long: THIS IS NOT WORKING AND SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE.!

It wasn’t until I gained insight through hindsight, that I grew aware of the extent of my idolization with this team and organization and how the weight of my decision to leave the team was so closely linked to my reputation with it all.  Who would I be without them? How could I stand on my own apart from them? Could I stay in my country of service and not be connected to the community from which I so closely tied my identity? And what about our famiy? And Jeff’s role on the team? I became acutely aware that this one decision would have such a huge ripple effect on every aspect of our lives. This was complex transition.  I had to admit that this was as far as I could go on this leg of the journey. If I stayed I would bitterly hinder my own growth, and potentially that of others, as well.  

Leadership Lessons

When we reach a developmental boundary phase - we are aware our identity with a role, a group, a country, an organization or a team, can become an playing field for growth or a prison of limitations.

For me the most relevant and greatest identity challenge at such a time came from being an expatriate and cross-cultural worker. I loved living overseas. Well, mostly! It was not a cake walk. There were daily challenges with not being understood due to lacking full language acquisition. There were the reminders of not fitting in fully and not having local family support. There were the long flights back “home” to people who didn’t really get our lives. There were the financial set-backs of living on support and coming up short. There were the team dynamics of dual-relationships and global mobility. There were the visa complications and daily wondering if we were doing something wrong with legal matters and would be kicked out. So yeah, it was in so many ways hard, but after nearly 9 years of living overseas I had grown accustomed to the challenges of living abroad chalked up to flexibility and adventure.

Despite the challenges, cross-cultural living was worth it to me. I deeply valued my regular interactions with people from around the globe. I loved being on a team of people who had such a similar passion to serve global workers. I loved hosting people from all over the world inviting them to expand our children’s worldview. I loved short and inexpensive flights to places of wonder and great adventure. I loved knowing that anywhere I went in the world, the response to, “where are you from” came a response of interest and if I’m honest a feeling of being special! Ultimately though I loved being used by God in an area of my calling and in a part of the world that was a good fit. Until I had to acknowledge it was no longer a good fit. And for that reason, all that I loved about living overseas would be in question. Was I really being asked to give all of this up because of this one angle?

A thought reverberated in my mind, “What once served you well in a position/role may be the very thing that is holding you back from becoming a more fully alive and healthy version of you in the next season!” Or said slightly differently, “What brought you here in the first place, may no longer be able to keep you here.” I was having to face the reality that I was no longer the same person as when I originally landed in this country: Grief in growth.

My role as cross-cultural worker was working. But, my role as a cross-cultural transition coach on this specific team and organization was not. I had to admit that I would remain vocationally stuck despite feeling culturally free. For almost two years, I was faced with the question, “What is the cost I am willing to pay for this internal dissonance of misfit?” Could I live with the incongruence?

Chili Contests and Vulnerable Creation Spaces

I entered a chili cookoff last night at my daughter’s school for the first time in my life. Never before have I felt the courage to invite people to openly critique my food! And I can’t exactly pinpoint what came over me for this shift to occur!  In fact, if you’ve eaten at our house before, it was likely Jeff’s cooking that was placed in front of you.  I say I like to experiment or functionally cook. And I come more present to the table when it’s not my creation we’re invited to.
 
In the month prior, Jeff noticed this rare occurance unfolding and asked me why this time was different (as well if I wanted any help!). I responded, “After years of really bad and below average chili-making, I think I might have found my go-to recipe!” I had recently modified a chicken fajita chili and thought it good enough to share with the world.
 
My son chimed in, “Do you think it’s good enough to win? Is it a contender?!”
 
To which I thought for a few seconds, “Actually, no. Ha! If I’m honest, I really don’t!” But I do think it’s good enough to share, as it’s unlike anything I've had before. 
 
I reflected that this process was more about me and a process of creation than it was about chili or winning.
 
That small revelation spoke to how I feel about much of what I create today. Vulnerable with a large dose of personal growth…Hard to get out of my head and into the world.
 
Isn’t that the summary of the creation process - vulnerable and often stunted? Vulnerability is required every step of the way as you pivot from one stage to the next...As with anything creative from writing a sermon to creating a painting and everything in between, all creative processes go through these 4 phases - Preparation, Incubation, Illumination and Implementation which I was reminded of in something as simple as a chili contest.

In the preparation phase, it is often a change that has necessitated a creative shift. Anything we create requires and entry point and motivation towards something new. For me that was bad chili. This nudging caused me to prepare and begin looking.

The Incubation phase - a time of hiddenness and experimentation. This phase was an invitation for me to brainstorm, explode, mess up, try out a combination of ingredients as was the case with the chili, double the recipe and even mess up. Like creating in life we have the opportunity to keep trying in this phase or to give up. The best innovation happens here in the incubation period when we keep working to refine what was okay into something great.

The third phase is the illumination - an aha that what is being created is different and worth it. Some say what brings you to creation is desperation. We need to be reminded of the impetus for change as we trudge through the mud waiting for that moment(S) of illumination. In the illuminate phase we can use that desperation for something better, something more, a fix for something that was breaking or broken.

And finally in the implementation phase we try it out in the world. A pilot phase. This piloting may be a place many never make it to. One might create in private and keep it in private never showing their brilliance to the world for fear of failure. My coach used to say, “Excellent enough, Sara!” As though he knew I might paralyze the process and keep it from full implementation if I waited for my creation to feel complete and whole.

And while implementation is the final phase of the creation process officially, in many ways it’s just the start. The feedback loop provides invaluable input into the creation itself.

I coached a leader this week along these lines saying, have you thought about just trying ____out with a small group of people and asking for feedback? He is looking to make a shift but not sure how to take the next step. As we considered together the blocks, we also discussed a trial period of sorts. 
 
“Why not bring this idea before a handful of supportive people? And ask for their honest feedback? Isn’t that what a pilot is – pressure to not have it perfect, but openness to be on the way.”
 
Bringing my recipe to this event was a small step towards awareness of my self-consciousness and insecurity around cooking; as well as an openness to be on the way. I’m hesitant to bring what I create to the spotlight for critics and approvers alike. I shy away from saying, look this is pretty good and I think you’ll benefit if you try it (and also it might not be your favorite yet!)…but amuse me either way! 
 
That vulnerability in recipe-making translates to what we’ve created recently in this vocational world of transition care in the form of a sabbatical ecourse and camino hiking experience. 
 
We think these two particular offerings are pretty off the charts (way better and time-tested than my chili) and maybe the best spaces we know that exist for leaders in transition to overcome burnout, stuckness, major life transition, and confusing places of vocational shift. We created these resources because this is what we wanted in transition or on sabbatical. And they have served others with positive feedback and ultimately deep soul care! 
 
I watched and reluctantly asked person after person their impression of my chili. A part of the refinement process that I’m working on in every area of my life being helpful feedback loops. Honestly, my flammin’ chicken chili needed to be cooled down, so I brought sour cream – maybe as a bit of a crutch but also as permission. There’s no going back when you add too much chili powder. In return for my asking, I received lovely interactions, and was met with delight, surprise, dislike and even one man’s wanna-be-professional-chef evaluation on my secret ingredients! Many children loved the sour cream most of all the “chili” offerings! And ultimately I had fun doing it.
 
Honestly, I’m proud of myself for this humbling step. And while I didn’t win, I did create something that was a process of vulnerability and the creative cycle feedback loop. For that alone it was a success. 
 
What are you putting out into the world these days? What is requiring new levels of creativity and vulnerability?
And what support do you need on the journey?

10 Best Creative (vs. Common) Interview Questions

10 best creative interview questions

We are all likely familiar with a courteous question like “how are you” when really the time doesn’t allow for an authentic answer. Similarly when you consider how much time you’ll spend working in your career, the idea of really getting to know you would benefit the employer and you alike. Why not dive deeper and ask creative and effective questions vs. common familiar ones?

The idea behind preparing to answer creative questions (compared to common interview questions) is that the interviewer is able to better understand your character, personality, and agility. Anyone can prepare for the standard questions with rote answers likened to cramming for a test. What does this tell your future employer about the uniqueness of you - that you test well!

More and more employees are implementing a creative approach with a desire to really get to know how you’re different, qualified and a team player.

Consider too, interviewing is not limited to words alone. Outside the interview room, tasks may be included in this process such as asking you to do something under pressure or riding in a car with you to lunch to see your driving style. The holistic approach to interviewing should not be overlooked.

The more prepared you are, you will discover your true self under pressure can show up agile, willing to go with the flow, with a sense of humor when things go wrong and be open to correction. Aren’t these the soft skills you’ve worked hard to embody? Ultimately this is the goal interviewers are getting at with these questions above and beyond any “right” or “wrong” answer you could cram for. They want to see that you are not only qualified to do the work, but truly the best candidate for the long term.

Below are a list of common interview questions compared to creative alternatives. Prepare for both and see how you show up more prepared than your peers. Bottom line: Be prepared, honest, flexible, and concise.

Common Interview Questions: 

1)    Tell me something about yourself.

2)    What did you like about your last job?

3)    Why did you leave your last job?

4)    What can you bring to this company/organization/team?

5)    What specific skills to you have for this type of work?

6)    What is your greatest strength?

7)    Tell me about your work history?

8)    What would your employers say about your past work experience?

9)    In what way do you feel you can make the biggest contribution to this company?

10) What five words describe you best?

11) Do you consider yourself a team player?

12) What motivates you?

13) Describe your working style?

14) What is your biggest accomplishment?

15) Anything else we should know about your work history?

16) Who is your role model, and why?

Examples of Creative interview Questions:

1)    If you could live anywhere, where would you live? This question indirectly asks about your hobbies. Hidden within it, are the questions: Do you like to travel? Would you want to relocate?

2)    If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life what would it be? Better than, “tell me more about yourself?”, this question gets at your interests and openness not to mention cultural awareness and greater worldview. My husband Jeff answered Kale and I answered Asian food! His response, was wait a minute I thought you said food. My understanding of the question was type of food - way more flexible! Even in a simple question like this you can see the discretion and ability to think outside the box!

3)    What was the last gift you gave to someone? And who was it?   The question is getting at are you generous, kind, thoughtful? Do you have a good memory! Are you intentional?

4)    What is an unpopular opinion you hold? Persuasiveness or uniqueness? You decide. I love this question because it tells me that we can hold unpopular opinions and be open to disagreement. It also gives space for contradiction in the simplest of ways from a disliked movie to a deeper political stance. I’d probably err on the side of something slightly shallow in the first round and see where things go from there. (i.e. I think the STAR WARS series is over-rated!)

5)    What is the last best movie (book, article) you read? Are you well-informed, a life-long learner, interesting and/or insightful. Be prepared to talk about something of interest. It may or may not relate to the work you do, relatable is better than obscure.

6)    What advice would you give your former boss? Delicate, yes. But simultaneously insightful into your relationship with past employers or supervisors. As well, notable what traits you value and need in your working world.

7)    If you were an animal what animal would you be? Without asking are you a people person, you can learn a lot about someone from this question. Your answer can speak to traits you share in common with a familiar creature without having to state, I’m funny, fun, loving, etc.

8)    What do you do to rejuvenate? Or describe an ideal Saturday? Again, this question may be asking about hobbies or it may be asking about boundaries. What does your work-life balance look like and how are you caring for yourself. Do we share similar values on the idea of rest?

9)    What does your ideal working environment look like? Whether or not an organization can accommodate your ideal working needs, if this question was asked, I would jump at the opportunity to say I work really well collaborating with others and then going back to my work alone. Basically stating, can I work remotely without micro-management and with or without people?

10) Which year of your life would you like to relive? This question allows you to highlight something others may never ask you about. I love this question as it basically is, tell me more about yourself! What brings you life and why? 

Bonus: What’s one thing about you that people don’t ask but that you’d like others to know?

Preparing with these types of questions in mind gives you the leg up! As you can imagine it also gives you the opportunity to prepare not only for your vocation, but also the relationships that will make up your work environment. A good interview allows your potential future employer to see your unique attributes and learn more about you both inside of work and outside. Don’t be shy, let yourself shine! Be concise and don’t forget that you can also ask intelligent and thoughtful questions in return.

For further reflection:

Which question would you like to answer? Have you been in an interview like this that allowed your best attributes to shine?

6 Questions & A Conversation Game for the Holidays

I was equally shocked and inspired when I heard that my teenager recently spent an hour and a half talking about controversial topics with my parents! My dad gloated that he asked great questions and he could not recount a kid of his age engaging with such openness and curiosity. While I initially felt a surge of pride, I was also skeptical, wondering what values they may have shaken in my child’s life. I sat with a sense of gladness that the conversation carried on as it did, especially without me. But…honestly, I was also a little embarrassed to note that I had refrained from engaging in these types of conversations with familiar people in my life like my son did…not curious or wanting to know where they stand on issues that I assume I already know we disagree about.

What I heard from my dad without him directly saying it, was that he felt loved, seen and understood whether my son agreed or not. The simple act of asking questions, and staying in the conversation with curiosity provided that space of connecting and bonding. I thought to myself, learning to ask questions is one of the ways I want myself and my children to show up in the world and maybe one of the best ways they can demonstrate love to their world around them. There is a message of love that was sent in the exchange. Truly being listened to, validated and being seen - Isn’t that what we all desire at our core?

And yet we refrain from giving to others what we need most when we feel misunderstood or unseen.

This led me to thinking about other conversations I’ve had recently…I’ve been told by some that they don’t know what questions to ask or how to engage in those spaces especially when it feels like there are potential landmines or there is a history of hurt or misunderstanding. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t naturally good question askers. It’s a learned skill. And for all of us, listening and asking questions are tools that could use frequent sharpening. There may be the odd one out - those who do ask questions for a living, who need to express their voice more. Pipe up and share with healthy disclosure to be seen and known.

Whether you’re a natural question-asker or a natural-sharer, consider the following prompts for conversation starters this holiday season.  

Question prompts to start conversation:

Instead of asking what are you thankful for………try:

-what is something you are currently excited about?

-what is something that surprised you recently?

-what is one thing you’re looking forward to over the holidays?

Instead of asking how is work going..……..try:

-what is something that you are excited about in your job?

-what is something that is life-giving for you in your career?

-who is someone you recently enjoyed being with?

-what is something interesting that you’re reading right now?

Choose one and see what happens…

Conversation Game

Another angle may be inserting a simple conversation game over dinner. We were introduced to the game “that reminds me”* when my children were little. While living in Spain, we hosted a lot of interesting (to us) people in our home for meals and overnights. My then 7 and 3 year old, were continually saying how bored they were at the adult conversations and complained that no one ever asked them questions.

 Enter this lovely game, especially useful when there are long talkers or a diversity of ages or viewpoints. This game can be a neutral zone to avoid some of those landmines!

Here’s how it works.

One person starts with ONE word, any word…i.e. spaghetti, horses or TSA! The person who says the word picks a person and that person thinks of a true and short story from their life that has the word in it. When they come up with the story, they begin their recounting by saying, that reminds me of a time when I was young…if they can’t think of a story to match the word, pick another person.

The only rule: No one else is allowed to interject or correct.

At the end of their story, that person chooses a new word from their story and picks another person to do the same.

Continue sharing stories until at least everyone, even the youngest, has had a chance to share.

When we’ve played a game like this, my kids shared the same sentiment as my dad – one of inclusion, being seen and understood.  They wanted to keep showing up at the dinner table to learn and to be heard. They wanted a voice in their world where they often felt overlooked. It was immediately evident that they had capacity to hear other stories when they felt this kind of love in being heard. 

Admittedly it takes courage to enter into these places of vulnerability both of sharing, listening and asking questions - especially where controversial landmines may linger. Give it a try. If the worst that will happen is that you realize you don’t see eye to eye, then the risk is worth it. Then report back and let me know what happens - both in you and in others.

*”That reminds me” was introduced to us by the lovely Monica Romig Green. She has hundreds of other thoughtful and fun ways of interacting and sharing life…google her!

For further reflection:

Please share with us - What other conversational games have you seen work around a table? What powerful questions have you seen open up new avenues of sharing?

Leadership Perspective on Sabbatical

Shark tank the tv show is commonly referenced in our home. Not because we watch it regularly but because there are a couple of self-proclaimed ideators in my home that find it intriguing to spark conversation starting with, “Would this *insert crazy idea* fly on shark tank? 
 
As we discuss, we offer our fake money and investment options, saying something like “I’d give you 5 million for a 50% investment and unlimited quality time with your mom! The counter-offer is often, I’ll take the 5 million and leave the rest! (Thank you teenagers!)

Amidst the banter we may pull up a show or two and probe into the real world of what is working and not. Recently I was drawn into an older episode that included a proposition for a very intriguing power nap studio!

The idea included sleep pods, a studio pop-up shop and a relaxing ambient, atmosphere resembling a massage room. Coming to a city near you!**

In reality we all need more creativity and productivity in our daily life. And even a brief nap such as 15-20 minutes, we know provides greater brain clarity, a mental boost and overall body refreshment.

While the idea of napping for refreshment is not a new concept, the creativity that may be sparked and necessary, encouraged in the form of an intentional rest outside the floor of your office or a reclined position in your car or nodding off at your desk, is more necessary now than ever.  
 
I’m a big fan of power naps and the way they refresh my whole being. My response as I continued watching was one of immediate welcome and desire to endorse, if I could have.
 
But instead, the shared general sentiment of the sharks, their response surprised me. It sounded like this… “No one has time to leave their job for naps nor do we want to encourage it and for that reason I’m out!”*
 
While much research has shown the benefits, the overarching value is that work takes precedence over self-care! Productivity trumps care despite the desire and lip service given to prioritize the greatest assets of any company – the people. 
 
Although ministry leaders don’t say it as directly as the sharks, the sentiment is not that different from corporate America - We can’t afford to rest and neither can you! 
 
Just last week I had a conversation with an executive director of member care discussing why leaders need a sabbatical. He was authentically questioning the efficacy. Why isn’t vacation enough? How burned out do they need to be? When do we say yes? How do you cover positions and who pays for this?

““No one has time to leave their job for naps nor do we want to encourage it and for that reason I’m out!”*”

— Shark from Shark Tank

As sabbatical coaches we frequently hear this "man over machine" mindset but the form and approach to see the value lived out, lacks. People are still denied space and time because the leadership isn’t certain of the value, doesn’t understand how the job will get done, is afraid of an employee leaving or hasn’t been in a similar position. That all makes sense. These are common reactions across ministry, non-profit, and corporate America.

If you’re a leader positioned to champion this type of care, what are your responses? How do you posture yourself to listen for these words – stuck, discontent, exhausted, unsettled and poor fit - amidst those you serve? What might a follow-up conversation look like when you hear these words?

A sabbatical policy in our mind is meant to be created from a developmental perspective. People are the best resource of any company, and shouldn’t be treated as machines. Giving space and time such as a long pause in the form of a sabbatical to listen to their heart, their head and their body will likely keep them from burning out and leaving altogether. Organizations often feel like they need to have all the answers or a policy in place in order to grant a sabbatical and to that we say, give it a try with a few and see what works for your organization and personnel.

Consider a few leadership best practices to sabbatical:

1. Be open to what the employee needs for their own physical, mental and spiritual growth even if you don’t understand. Let them decide and tell you what they need. If we want healthy leaders, we ultimately want to create an environment where these healthy leaders know what they need and ask for it.

2. Help them find third-party resources and accountability that understand sabbaticals and how to structure one. You as the leader will have a different agenda than an objective outsider.

3. Take a company-wide approach to care. When everyone catches the vision for a sabbatical culture the whole culture wins. How can every employee consider where sabbatical might fit on their developmental track? And consider for others how they might chip in to cover for when people take time off?

4. What can you as an organization say no to in order to live out this value? Not every fundraiser is necessary. Not every service is needed. What can be released for a time?

5. Consider sending the employees you hear say the above words, a sabbatical readiness survey. This serves as a way of saying I see you and there are resources available.
     

You don't have to have all the answers, a policy or even the ability to grant a sabbatical. Let's keep the conversation open so leaders remain healthy and have access to the resources they require. Sleep pods or not, let’s demonstrate the powerful value of rest over productivity in creative and effective ways. 
 
Bonus: Listen here for a sabbatical conversation from a google employee.

Questions for further conversation: Let me ask you. What is your theology of rest? And where did it come from?

*As of July 2023 napping pods or minute sleep stations are located in at least 21 aiports in the world including DFW, DXB, IAD, DEL, ATL, MUC, JFK, MEX, AUH, PHL, HEL, LGW, CLT, IST, SVO, NRT, YYZ, TLL, BGY,  (find one next time you fly!)

When Sabbatical Feels Far Off But Desperately Needed

For many reasons I’ve dreaded writing this as it’s the lived-out version of what we do day in and day out splayed open to critique and judgment as I find my way forward in a very personal way. I muster up courage telling myself that at worst I’ll receive criticism and not everyone will love or agree with what I write. On the other hand the transparency may strike a chord with someone who deeply resonates. And if nothing else, as my writing partner encourages me, “vulnerable words and shared experience are more interesting to read!” (Thanks Melissa!)

Here’s the reality…

I (Sara) walk amongst the slow these days. Quite literally, a snail’s pace at times. I carry my hidden crutches fully inside my body in the form of hormone dysregulation and auto immune disorder. I know I am not alone in this. Many of us are fighting a battle that can’t be seen.  And yet it somehow feels different as a sabbatical coach.

It took years (30 to be exact) to admit that I had lived my whole life with varying degrees of brain fog that debilitated even everyday communication. My unseen limitation on a regular basis is basically a hiccup in my brain and a bite of food away from a long nap, and severe stomach ache. These are all manageable, but still incredibly inconvenient. In extreme times I can’t get out of bed and don’t have the capacity to take in new information.

“It took years (30 to be exact) to admit that I had lived my whole life with varying degrees of brain fog that debilitated even everyday communication.”

As a sabbatical and transition coach I wrestle with how to live into this reality when in extreme or moderated forms; when I can’t push myself like my personality would prefer. There are no reserves to draw from. I am forced to slow down and admit the need to do so.

There are seasons when we must slow down or even stop. And there are times when stopping for a long pause isn’t yet possible.

As a sabbatical coach we often hear the question,

“How do I operate in day to day life when I can’t get what I need yet and I’m on the slippery slope of burnout?”

And from others, the question is “Where do sabbatical coaches turn when they need a rest and a break?”

Like leaders in any sector and especially those in 24-7 or demanding ministry, “Where can we ALL find space to be transparent and in need, and not fully live into what we need, such as sabbatical, at the same time?”

Here are few counter-intuitive lessons from my recent Camino experience that I’m applying in my daily life and learning to embrace in this season when I can’t yet push pause.

1.     Listen to Your Body. Having walked 5 portions of the Camino de Santiago over the last 7 years, I have found the athlete inside of me come alive again. The Camino is different in that it invites our whole self to the conversation of spiritual transformation in the reality of where we are currently living but noticing in a heightened way while walking. One of the ongoing and strikingly obvious lessons has been this - my body knows how it wants to move and when it can move, and when it needs to rest. I just need to tune into the wise voice it speaks, listen, and respond. I apologize to my body for the way in which I would never treat any other human - like a machine. This feels new and an important lesson in sustainability and care. I apologize for the mistreatment and welcome ongoing guidance as we do this life together.

“I see you body. I see what you’ve done for me and how you can’t do it any longer. I acknowledge you’ve been working hard and need to stop for a time.”

— A moment of gratitude to myself

2.     Permission to rest. I recently read a statistic that lack of sleep is a better predictor of diabetes than diet. Meaning it is also the best prevention for this and many other diseases (of course alongside exercise and diet). In this season I must give myself permission to go to bed earlier. To say no to evening activities. To allow myself grace to skip a seminar and to take a nap. Or as on the Camino, to not walk for a day. I can work a 4-day work week and intentionally schedule sabbath. These are all lessons in resting - undeniable lifelines for me in this season.  

3.     Leave margin. If there is one thing I must daily focus on, it is how to get margin in all areas of my life. I do almost nothing at the speed I would like to or that I see others doing. For example, I move slower therefore I must leave the house earlier. I think slower so have to leave more time for creation in deadlines or even emails I need to write. I don’t schedule meetings back to back, I can’t pivot that fast. I don’t multi-task, my brain drains much faster when I try to. I can’t procrastinate and deal with the stress of last-minute changes.

In nearly every area of my life right now, I must think about adding extra time and energy. While this takes time in itself, it also allows me to show up as best as I can in what I do commit to.

4. Downshift my expectations of reality. When I drive uphill in a stickshift I notice the change in the sound of how hard the engine is working. With years of practice, I intuitively hear the overuse and manually shift down to third, second or even first to allow the engine to perform at its best capacity. If I don’t, I know it will not perform at all. In this last season of non-profit start-up I’ve had to acknowledge how loud the engine is running in my life and how I haven’t released it to work in 2nd or 1st gear, instead revving in 5th.  

In the last 6 months, it pains me to say what we haven’t done but these are the graces and can humbly admit it has been for the best. We cancelled two, 7-week cohorts. We only attended one conference instead of multiple this fall. We released the pressure to strategize best contacts, speak twice and have a booth at the one we did attend. We let go of the expectations on ourselves to finish our book by our desired deadline.

Full transparency none of those were chosen by me. The cohorts didn’t fill up, the second proposal didn’t land, the book didn’t get the space in our schedule that we desired to finish it. We were forced to downshift and humbly admit our humanity in it all. Ultimately I have to admit a performance orientation and confess that I am living unrealistically. I have to tell myself, not everything needs to be done by me and right now. This is a daily conversation. How much is enough?

5.     Ask for help. I am the first to admit that being needy is not in my DNA. However the value of the community of believers and the picture of Moses’ arms being held up by Aaron & Hur (Exodus 17:12-14) grants me permission to say, “it’s okay and even expected to need people”.

While we coach people to find where the world’s needs and their passion intersects and to live in that space 80% of the time, in start-up and certain ministry roles this is not always possible. At times there is no one else to do the job I’m not able to do (or am not skilled at doing).  So I’ve learned to ask, what can I NOT do today? What can someone else take off of my plate? And what can I just let go of entirely and not pick back up at this time?

And sometimes that website re-design or the newsletter doesn’t get attended to. I’ve had to extend grace that even though I’d like things done faster, frantic pace isn’t possible or healthy 100% of the time. There may be seasons of busy but we are not machines that can be pushed 24-7-365.

6.     Keep engaging in good self-care. As my naturalpath read my lab reports several months ago, his reaction surprised me. He said, I’m amazed by the look of these that you’re not doing a lot worse.” (Thank you?!) “What your labs tell me is that you’re currently in stage 2 of adrenal fatigue/burnout but you have great DHEA levels which says that healthy rhythms are sustaining you.” My takeaway: labs don’t lie!

We proceeded to converse and he probed a bit deeper about the practicalities. I shared what I have actively put in place to one degree or another over the last two decades of living with my health limitations. I proceeded to share that I have learned many hard disciplines such as daily supplements, intentional diet, daily exercise, turning work off at a decent hour, & weekly sabbath. I have the role of wife and mother that no one else can do so religiously focus on balancing play and fun with my husband and kids (separate and together). We incorporate more celebration and traditions and invite others into them whenever possible. Getting life-giving time with friends is huge for me so I schedule it at least once a week, even when I was in transition. Going to bed ridiculously early, only drinking decaf coffee (no judgment - it’s what my body needs), and saying no to a lot more than I would like are all part of good self-care for me. I have a support system of people that I rely on to keep me accountable to specific areas, such as this naturopath doctor.

I was reminded in that conversation that it can be really frustrating to have good rhythms and still experience your body as not fully functioning. My self-care rhythms haven’t solved all of my adrenal dysfunction issues, but they have made it possible to live a relatively normal life.  

7.     Reduce Stress. In that same conversation, he noted, you can’t take out all of life’s stress and sometimes stress is good, but your body must manage the amount coming in. Because of this immune disorder my body is always under a fair amount of stress in general maintenance. I heard, I must pick my battles more wisely! The energy reserves for stress are diminished and not being replenished as a normal person’s would.

And yet as I shared with my doctor and consider what is relevant to others, I feel a deep peace. I am attending to my limitations. I continue to incorporate the rhythm of my “Camino pace” as a reminder of my long and arduous journey just a few weeks prior. Slow and steady one foot in front of the other when I don’t know how long the journey will be or what other “mountain” I may find myself in front of. We say the Camino parallels life, like it or not, and these are my direct parallels and opportunities for ever-maturing response.

If I was sitting with you as a friend or coach, I would ask, “What strikes a chord? What is your key takeaway from how to live out a life of balance and rest when a sabbatical is not able to be actualized… yet?”

Commonly Asked Questions for Taking a Sabbatical

Commonly Asked Questions for Taking a Sabbatical

Summer is a time when people realize that the long-overdue vacation they finally took was not enough. While we are highly in favor of a weekly sabbath and an annual vacation or two, sabbatical is a lengthier period of time for rest, rejuvenation and realignment of priorities. Here are a few of the common questions that we hear as people are considering if a sabbatical might be in their future.  

What length is ideal/long enough for a sabbatical?

It is in the long pause of several months (or more) that we have an opportunity to actually ask the hard questions and listen to the answers seldom heard amid the hustle and noise of continuing on the same path. It is recommended from several sources that three to four months of unbroken time away (at minimum) is ideal. This implies no active engagement in work. (We’ve seen too many people “cheat” on this and work part time or pursue other intense work).  Don’t cut this gift of time short! And for many having lived in difficult circumstances or under extreme workplace stress, we recommend 6 months to a year. If 10 weeks is all that is offered, consider using vacation time on the front and back end or personal leave time to round it out. We say take what you can get, but when one considers all that is needed to truly rejuvenate, 3 months minimum is the standard answer.

How should I use my time?

When on sabbatical, “Sabbatical is your job,” we say. “It is your full time job to rest well and offer yourself up for spiritual and personal transformation or reflection and re-alignment.” When we coach, we help lay out a plan tailored to each individual’s reasons for why they are taking a sabbatical, helps best facilitate internal growth, and desired outcomes especially in the midst of the process that can often feel uncertain and floundering. The book we’re in the process of writing (coming fall 2023) on sabbaticals is meant to provide ideas and suggestions corresponding to each of the six phases. As well there will be a book recommendation list and general “what to do on sabbatical” ideas in the appendix.  

How does one decide when to take a sabbatical?

We generally suggest following the biblical and agricultural model of every seven years. However if it’s been significantly longer, consider your capacity to work and your capacity to care. We often notice people feel restless vocationally when they’re approaching a sabbatical which is a great time to pause, rest and gain perspective before making any major decisions. There is a sabbatical readiness survey that we ask people to fill out to consider a more robust angle on one’s personal readiness and needs. Email us and ask us for it.

Is there a time to not take a sabbatical?

We do not suggest taking one when your organization is in major transition, your organization is downsizing or undertaking a new project. As well, we don’t suggest taking one if you need medical attention, are fully burned out, are unpacking a crisis or trauma situation or having a baby. Those all fall under other categories such as personal or medical leave. Ask for personal leave instead. Sabbatical is intended for rejuvenation and rest as well as vocational clarity and creative recreation. It is hard to get that if you are needing to focus on medical care or a newborn. Finding the right timing is understandably one of the most important considerations. While there may never be a perfect time, there will be some windows such as the low season or the end of a busy season that are better than others. Get feedback, pray and plan towards it. Don’t be discouraged. It often takes a year to actualize these well-laid plans.

How do you decide where to take a sabbatical?

There is a chapter in this book on how to decide. Consider it carefully alongside of other stakeholders. As well, consider where you rejuvenate and what activities are life-giving. Traveling for example, is not life-giving for everyone.

Can you take a sabbatical that does not correspond to your spouse?

Absolutely. While it may require more intentionality and effort, you will see this is a myth we had to overcome and we’re grateful we did. Of importance to note is that the non-sabbaticalling spouse should release some of their responsibilities such as extended travel and time away in order for the other to get what he/she needs out of the time.

What if you work with your spouse? How do you not engage in work-related conversation?

While this is admittedly tricky, a simple conversation around “how was your day” can take you into deeper discussion of work-related communication. We suggest that you talk about this ahead of time and discuss any necessary boundaries that you might need. Taking out names from conversations can be helpful. Putting stories in first-person or feelings words can also mitigate long drawn out he said/she said conversations.

What are your most pressing questions? Email us and let us know if you need alongside care or coaching in this process. But do what you can to care for yourself, your spouse and those around you by taking this sacred gift called sabbatical. 

The 7 Attitudes Needed in Vocational Discernment: Following the Ignatian Way

As I probed further into my own understanding of how I showed up with people on a daily basis in vocational discernment work, I began to realize the unique nature of how I got here. It was three-fold.

I had been gifted wise people on my developmental journey through seminary, through organizational affiliation and professional helpers who spoke this language. I read a lot of supporting material through wise literary mentors like Henri Nouwen, Parker Palmer, St. Ignatius of Loyola, Bobby Clinton and Terry Walling.

But quite possibly my best teacher was the many years I had lived making decisions without wise input. Those were years (decades) of painful learnings where I tried to go it alone.  I learned what not to do and how I would do it different.

Since that time, I have sought for hindsight to guide my insight. Asking questions like, “What would I have done differently given what I know now? and “Who would I have liked alongside of me?” This last transition gave me an opportunity to apply that hard learning.

When faced with the decision to return from overseas assignment after 11 years, I experienced not one, or even two, but three intentional discernment times over the course of 3 years with trusted mentors and advisors. Arguably three may have been overkill, but given the nature and complexity of the decisions, each one illuminated the path directly in front of me in a way I needed to discern. As well, this repetition provided unified confirmation that I personally needed during a hard season of learning to trust my voice. I needed that space to surrender, listen, wait, and trust.   

What is vocational discernment

It wasn’t until I put myself in the position of those who we work with  - people in places of confusion, stuckness, isolation and hopelessness - that I began to really unpack how this is done. I was asked to unpack questions like, “What does vocational discernment actually look like?” “What is the difference between decision-making and discernment?” “How does one best posture themselves to receive in this time?” “What do the stages of discernment look like?” And, “How do you do this in community?”

While each of those questions needs addressing, worth noting of first priority is that creating space in your life, through monastic practices like silence, solitude, contemplation and centeredness will greatly aide in this process. Noise, busyness, and a scattered mind on the other hand will distract. An intentional sabbatical or set-aside period of time helps to create boundaries for those who suffer from decision-making fatigue.

St. Ignatius of Loyola talks often about indifference and attachment, especially as they relate to decision-making and discernment. He states that there are 7 qualities or attitudes required of us to wholly engage in a discernment process 1.) openness 2.) courage 3.) generosity 4.) interior freedom 5.) habit of prayerful reflection 6.) having one’s priorities straight 7.) not confusing the ends with the means. How we posture ourselves directly determines how we will receive.  

7 attitudes in a discernment and decision-making process  

1.     An attitude of surrender and openness with the trajectory of our life path being held with open hands willing to receive or to let go of whatever may come. We see many who want the benefits of intentional time, without actually releasing their ideas and plans to what might come. Admittedly this can be scary, we see our unhealthy attachments to power in a position, security of job, organizational ties, and all that we’ve worked hard for, being put in an Isaac & Abraham, all-things-on-the-altar request.

2.     We remind those we work with that this is bold and courageous work and the next necessary posture. It requires us to stay faithful and patient to believe and trust that God has a perfect plan for our lives. It requires boldness to keep showing up to the hard conversations, to the difficult relationships, to our time with God.  

3.     Directly linked, our hearts need to be open and generous, putting no conditions on what God might be asking of us. It will likely require seeing others as first and ourselves as second. The posture of generosity allows us to enter into a place of hospitality. Hosting our creator in our midst, willing to co-create but also willing to wait. Hosting others’ needs and concerns before our own.

4.     The ignatian exerices often talk about creating a place of interior freedom. That space inside of ourselves that is often filled with many other attachments – people, material possessions, and other idols. We must be willing to do what God asks of us, in a posture of release of what we might normally strive towards.

5.     A habit of prayerful reflection. Utilizing spiritual habits and disciplines that create an ability to hear God’s voice, alongside of trusted others. Covering the vocational discernment in prayer, repeatedly giving it to the Lord.

6.     The posture of having one’s priorities straight, asking, “Not my will but yours be done”. Here we are not allowing the things of this world to deter us from God’s best plan for our life but rather keeping our focus on what is good, pure, lovely, excellent, and praiseworthy. Asking for His priorities to be our priorities.  

7.     And finally asking for God to reveal to us where we confuse the ends with the means. Not putting God in second place, and our desires in first, but rather the other way around. Asking that our desires align with God’s in humility and sacrifice.

This is risky and vulnerable work that few fully enter into. And understandably these 7 postures overlap. What we most often see with those entering into discernment is that they are challenged with one or two, not bad things, but to really release something or someone in the process that is holding them back.

For Deeper Reflection:

How long have you been considering a shift in your own life?

What is holding you back?

What do you fear is the worst that will happen?

The 5 Phases of Vocational Discernment: Taking Steps Towards a Major Life Transition

While we are used to making choices every day, we may find ourselves paralyzed or change resistant on the whole with a major life transition. The cluster of decisions involved in decision-making can cause a sense of emotional flooding or overload. As a response, we can utilize these Ignatian principles as an over-arching guide and invitation to our inner world by accepting that they are needed and allow us to enter in. However, we must live into an active posture externally for change to take place.  

How does one live into Vocation Discernment and Decision-making?

The steps to discernment are similar to decision-making and follow a similar pattern, but uniquely flow from one to the next in correlation to the attitudes of discernment. Vocational discernment includes decision-making but only as one element of it. The 5 phases of vocational discernment include: Awareness of the need for change, information gathering, reflection, decision-making, and action.

1.     Awareness of the Need for Change – a crisis may have necessitated the change; or you may be entering in preventatively (our awareness came much sooner than the ability to do anything about it because we needed more information)…when cross-cultural workers experience a shift or one thing changes, usually there is a ripple effect where everything changes. This awareness can become quite disruptive!

2.     The Information Gathering Phase – What are my options? What are the factors in this decision? For global workers this is one of the most complex phases and where we find ourselves working with individuals and couples. We recognize that unique to those in a foreign context and especially those in ministry jobs, answering these questions will have ripple effects on every area of life. If one is disgruntled with a boss or a co-worker, shifting organizations is not a simple solution. This one answer may act as a spark that sets off a forest fire. Having confidential, outside input at this phase is incredibly beneficial.

3.     Reflection – In tandem with the previous phase we experience a deeper examination of the information gathered matched with self-awareness and a listening to the Holy Spirit. Questions like, “What do I like? What do I need? What are my dreams for the future? What are my limitations? Where have I let self-limiting beliefs hold me back?” When vocational formation and spiritual formation meet, there is an opportunity for a creative, likely messy and always beautiful expression of one’s unique self to arise. This is where we often meet with people in The Art of Transition or Life Planning process.

4.     Decision-Making – after accepting the need for change, gathering information and taking a concerted time for reflection, comes the decision. This is usually the shortest period of time as the prior investment pays off! If the previous steps are taken, this one comes with clarity and often a deep sense of relief! We encourage careful thought as to who will take part in the final decision. We’ve often used the phrase, “He/she has a voice, but not a vote.” Clearly there is more to discuss around who’s voice has a vote in your transition.

5.     Action  - Implementing the decision is the final step. We call this the roll-out. The action steps need to be carefully thought through including who needs to know what and when. In order to avoid relational fallout, considering those who will be most effected by your decision and how they might respond is key. In addition to the timing of a roll-out, it is important to think through the narrative of what you share and with whom.  

One final point of clarification. Discernment is open to all who seek it. While some may have the strengths and skills of listening; or have had experience working with career development, the spiritual gift of discernment, I believe is a gift from the Lord. Ask for it in this unique time! Ask for it for others listening to God on your behalf. Ask for the postures we discussed above:  1.) openness 2.) courage 3.) generosity 4.) interior freedom 5.) habit of prayerful reflection 6.) having one’s priorities straight 7.) not confusing the ends with the means. Remember, these are not instinctive, but rather are cultivated through direct relationship with the Lord and are fruit that is accessible from our leaning into that relationship.

Some may feel as I did, that seeking other’s in times of discernment points to a lacking in your own life. On the contrary, it is a unique opportunity to utilize the greater body of believers. You can possess both the gift of discernment and listen to wise council at the same time. This is counter-cultural work that will likely hold value tension for many.  Accepting the feedback of trusted voices is wise, enhances one’s ability to hear and make the necessary next steps as the unity and peace come.

Find a group of trusted, caring, and confidential people who get this and can listen on your behalf to the life that God is inviting you into and trust that He has your ultimate best interest in this process!

For reflection:

Think back to a time when you included trusted voices in your decisions, what was different about that decision compared to others?

When did you wish you would have listened to others, but didn’t?

What are some unhealthy attachments that keep you from entering into the attitudes of discernment?

Sharing Difficult Transition Stories: Framing the Narrative with Respect & Honor

Sharing Difficult Transition Stories  

“How do I tell our transition story? I want to honor all parties involved and recognize my boundaries in sharing the truth and yet be honest and transparent at the same time.”

When we use the words “transition story” we are referring to giving language to the reason for a change in role, organization or geography. The important details of why there will be a shift in your life and potentially the lives of those around you. A transition story involves unpacking the why and the what with a variety of audiences - a supporting church, friends, family, neighbors, and donors.

With over a decade of being a transition coach, we recognize that the most difficult transition stories to discuss are those that include interpersonal conflict. It’s no wonder that people feel guarded or even paranoid about what information is being relayed. This type of transition story is what we are referring to here.

Seldom are transition stories clear, concise and neutral. On the contrary, the why behind a transition is typically laden with a broad mix of emotions, secrets, conflict, chaos and confusion. Often, the narrative includes fuzzy details and if told by the other party may sound as if two people took a vacation to two different destinations. The stories just do not match.

When I went through my painful transition several years ago, a wise counselor said to me, “Sara, you can’t worry about what the others involved are sharing. But you can be fully responsible for how you frame your story. You can control what you share and the posture you choose to share it from.”

Ultimately I was being invited to consider what words I would share and with whom. I so desperately sought to be understood, but I determined early on that I would NOT go to great lengths to search out who knew what and if it matched my version of the stories. I set out instead to share honestly, authentically and without suffering from a vulnerability hangover! You know the feeling - the check in your spirit in hindsight when you wish you would have kept your mouth shut. You wish you could take the words back, but you can’t. I so deeply desired to walk away from every conversation feeling as though I spoke with integrity and honored all parties involved and my story as well. Honestly, I didn’t always do this well…

What this meant in summary was keeping the story brief and choosing my listeners as they chose to listen to me. Not everyone heard the same amount of the story. I shared general information with some and deep feelings and pain with others. I reserved the details for those who knew me well and could hold the value of this narrative in the greater picture of my life and our relationship and in confidence. The story did not change, the amount of details and the way I described it did. Speaking with integrity and honor was my pursuit for justice in an unjust situation!

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As third-party transition coaches at The Way Between, we frequently find that people seek us out as a safe space to talk about their confusion, stuckness or conflict without us knowing their organizational dynamics and overlaps. When we have affiliation with an organization, we try to refrain from over-relating or projecting our experiences. We want to maintain a safe healing space for all parties involved. When I ask certain questions, or mention certain names, I must be aware of my own curiosity versus having the best interest of all parties in mind. Recognizing the way I may trigger someone with the simple mention of a name.

When we previously offered these same services internal to a larger organization, we often found ourselves pulled between relational loyalty - unable to authentically serve in that position. A simple mention of the word “boss” or “president” may mean that you know exactly who the person was struggling with and likely heard rumblings of his/her side of the story, if not firsthand, as well. And if you did know the person, you likely had feelings or bias. In dual-relationship care professions it remains challenging to remain a neutral, caring, un-biased listener. 

Getting clear on the message you want to communicate and to whom, will dictate how you navigate transition well. For your discernment, consider these three categories when giving voice to your experience – simply to whom, how, and what will you share:

1.     TO WHOM DO YOU SHARE - Who is this audience to me and the other important figures involved in my story? How is this person I’m sharing with related to the information of my story? What will they do with the information that I share? Is this a confidential relationship? Do they have a history of keeping it confidential? Do they have my best interest in mind?

You may find that thinking through the following parties may benefit the framing of your narrative.

a.     A key decision-maker such as a boss or supervisor

b.     An involved party who may or may not understand my side of the story

c. A future employer who may or may not know individuals in your story.

d.     An uninvolved, caring by-stander

e.     A secondary connection who knows the characters in my story but 1. Has historically had my best interest or 2. Has not historically had my best interest in mind.

It may be obvious, but the two that are hardest to communicate with are 1. An involved party who may or may not understand my side of the story & 2. A secondary connection who knows the characters in my story but has not historically had my best interest in mind.  

My scar stories took years of concerted prayer and trusted counsel to heal, I still remain responsible to attend to them by steering clear of certain conversations that lead me down the wrong path.  I have the agency to choose to recount either a story of growth or bitterness.  

Grand decisions in relational ministry require repetition amongst a wide-audience. Getting the language of my story clear is essential.

2.     HOW DO YOU TELL THE MESSAGE – How much information is necessary to tell? How do you want what you communicate to be remembered? With grace and dignity or anger and bitterness?

How you tell your story will likely be more remembered than the information you share.

When I first started leading Art of Transition groups, I piloted a group with 10 leaders in the same geographical location where I had experienced great pain and misunderstanding. It was a risky move for many reasons, but primarily because nearly everyone in the room knew some of the key people in my story. If I misspoke and shared even a small detail, many could make inference as to who I was referring to. However, at the end of the 6 weeks, a newcomer to the community graciously thanked me in front of everyone saying, “It’s clear that this material comes from a place of great pain. And I can imagine it would have been easy for you to divulge information about the parties involved in your pain. But thank you for demonstrating how to do that well! You did an amazing job at keeping that to yourself. I can imagine it was hard! But well done!”

With tears in my eyes, I experienced a deep understanding and empathy from someone who got it and got me! Without dishonoring others involved. That was the biggest compliment I received in this painful process. It wasn’t just hard, it often felt impossible. And truly it was a daily act of surrender to my side of the story and my desire for retribution. And admittedly I didn’t always do it well. Yet here I was teaching on reconciliation and perspective in transition amongst other topics. I was being forced to live out of my pain how I wanted to experience others, as well. God was clearly giving me the words to speak from a place of humility and healing.

3.     WHAT MESSAGE -  What non-verbals are being communicated in your face and body language? What message about the message do you want to convey about how you handled this situation?

While each scenario is unique and may require a different answer for different audiences, there may be similar verbiage to choose from. After gaining clarity from a trusted coach, I replaced stronger words such as silenced or sidelined with inability to thrive, grow, develop, or fit. Although it sounds strange, for months I would get a sharp, instant pain in my head right behind my eyes if I made any negative judgment in my story. It was likened to a shock collar on a dog. The immediate feedback of a physical manifestation in my body lead me to get straight both how and what I conveyed.  While both sets of words were accurate, one set was destructive and one more constructive. One set of words gave me instant negative feedback in the form of physical pain. A hidden gift and a learning the hard way.

As I spoke of my story and the explanation to the decisions that we made in the months and years that followed, I also chose to speak about larger contributing factors that unfolded with time. Leaving for reasons of interpersonal conflict was never my response to the “why did you move?” question. I spoke of things that people understood without doubt or question. Answers that were unquestioningly acceptable such as caring for aging parents, children needing different educational opportunities, and for new vocational challenges to grow and develop. All of these were true and a part of the larger picture. When I processed the entirety of my transition, despite a glaringly painful reason rising to the surface, interpersonal conflict, the other reasons surfaced as important and worth noting, as well.

While all of these reasons were true, I learned that few listeners could hold the weight attached to charged words without leaning in to either want to share their own stories or opinions, over-relating to their scar story, or holding a desire to probe further and hear the messy details of mine. When I slipped down these paths of destruction, the negativity spiraled and grew dark in my soul. I came to recognize that seldom were these probing questions altruistic in nature. I desired to live with the freedom that came from a constructive language not the pain of the destructive. I made note of how listeners experienced my story differently depending on my choice of language. I began to discern that maybe I was leading them down a path of bitterness or anger vs. hope and light in the way I responded.

While one set of words represented my own reconciling and hard work in the situation – Stemming from a desire to heal, learn and develop my character - The other set came from a place of pain and hurt and I came to recognize which set to choose.

How sharing went wrong

While listening to my body’s reaction and discerning the audience’s response, I quickly learned that when I decided to use certain words typically came from an unhealthy or self-righteous place. This decision took me into a place of pride - recapping a story full of proving I was right and “they” were very wrong. If I was honest, I shared those when my self-esteem was low or I needed affirmation that I wasn’t crazy. Or as mentioned previously, I wanted to over-relate my scar story to theirs. If the right question was asked, I gave into the slippery slope of gossip and in turn I would walk away from the conversation with a deep pain in my stomach or head and a need to repent!

Sharing the narrative in summary includes, 1.) Attentive Listening to my heart and attending to what motives I have in sharing and 2.) Recognizing some need more details than others, but I can choose my words carefully towards resourcefulness and not unhealth or harm 3.) Humility and grace. We all have hard stories. Some times we get it right and other times we don’t. More than once I had to back-pedal and ask forgiveness when I over-shared or shared in a destructive way. I also had to incorporate positive and kind self talk.

I continue to lean into Philippians 4:8 (NLT), “And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable and right and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise…then the God of peace will be with you.”

Regardless of the role conflict, confusion or lack of clarity plays in your transition story, the possibility for misunderstanding and more importantly, speaking evil, remains high.  Due diligence is required to remain authentic, yet careful to share with wisdom and honor. We need each other for models and we need the reminder from the Holy Spirit when we’re still on a growth-curve to learning how to share our narrative well. Keep up the good fight!

For Reflection:

How are you engaging with others around your narrative? How do you know when you do it well and constructive or poorly and destructive? Where did you learn how to tell a story? Do you ever ask for feedback on how others are receiving your narrative?

Important Decision Roll-out: Who Needs to Know What When

Before going through my own major life transition, I had never spent much time considering the value of intentional information roll-out in the life of a leader. For some reason it never occurred to me all of the people whose lives were effected by my decision - my family of course, but my team, my leaders, and the organization would all be impacted on a deep level if I decided to leave my role, my organization and the country I was serving in. I experienced the impact these decisions had as I watched other teammates leave. I felt it most when their decision came blind-sided and didn’t include me, but greatly affected me and my time. As a global worker, where work and personal lines frequently crossed, the feeling of abandonment existed as well.

Upon further examination, I came to realize that there are people in my life who I give a vote to a decision and there are people who have a voice and many who have neither. The trusted confidants, who are cheerleaders and supporters, whilst holding the tension might offer a voice, but only a few who are impacted or who I trust on a much deeper level will I actually let have a vote. Obviously too many voices makes getting to the vote hard.

I noticed as I watched many other highly mobile global workers there was a continuum of sharing. On one end - Tell everyone > voice and vote of many; On the other - Tell no one > voice and vote of no one.

While I assume I don’t always have a voice or vote in other’s decisions, I wanted to approach decision-making carefully. I wanted to extend love and consideration for the important people in my life and demonstrate the type of care I would want to those who had supported me and walked alongside of me.

When I saw others make what appeared to be quick BIG decisions without bringing others into it, I termed that evasive leadership. At times it was. However, in hindsight it may also have been selective sharing - with the right people at the right time, depending on the circumstances. What were the contributing factors? Reason for a change? Type of role shift? Crisis or no crisis? my history with their decisions?

Up until our most recent transition, our lives were wide open books and we felt the need for every friend, family member and donor who asked (and some that didn’t) to know the details of the decisions we made. As our reach expanded this communication was impossible and honestly exhausting.

In major life transition, information roll-out needs to be intentional and well thought through. There needs to be a sacred space for that decision-making to be done well and in confidence. That is the space we intend to provide in The Art of Transition workshops and life plans.

The Art of Transition Process:

The discernment process called The Art of Transition was created primarily for complex decision-making. The entire process from the first tool to the end within the 6 themes, is meant to guide individuals towards greater clarity with each tool building from one week to the next in a 360, non-linear approach. We look up, back, around, inside, down, and forward. Together we ask: “What is God saying? How does your past inform the future? How does the present inform the future? What are other trusted voices need to speak into this process? What have past roles told you about your enjoyment and fulfillment vocationally? And What does my body say about all of this?” In many ways this is an approach to holistic and intentional listening.

If an individual or couple are able to enter into a discernment process in a posture of surrendering the future and withholding making any decisions until the end, that ultimately serves one best. We know that waiting for long periods of time is not always possible and is one of the reasons why we try to keep our workshops to less than two months and individualized coaching to less than a year. 

Group Discernment takes 3 forms:

1. A specific method - In the Art of Transition process, the co-leaders of the group are naturally gifted, trained and experienced to listen to your life and the Creator of your life, while offering tools and holding up a mirror along the way. In the workshop, some examples include using body listening exercises, dreaming tools, and noticing patterns from a goldmine.

2. A group process - The Art of Transition process intentionally includes a safe community for the sake of resonance, accountability and discernment. When we hear a reflection of our stories in that of others, we gain clarity. How many times have I thought, wow that seems obvious while listening to someone else share and yet lack the insight to see it in my own life. Upon reflection, I notice I’m not applying that knowledge to my life either. The benefits of the community are multi-fold.

3. Trusted prayer partners - When we took part in our own transition discernment process, we asked specific, confidential and trusted partners to pray alongside of us. These people had the following characteristics: They loved us, they had walked with us for years, they had no agenda for our future, and they knew how to listen to the Lord. One of the transition tools we use includes utilizing those same people for their feedback in the process. When 8 people (4 for Jeff and 4 for me) all unanimously were in agreement of some big questions we were asking, we listened! We knew these people didn’t know or talk to each other, it had to be “double confirmation” from listening to God.

What about others who need to know?

We kept supervisors and others who needed answers, abreast of the general questions we were holding, asking them for permission for a set season and time to be what it needed to be with a clear answer given at a designated time when we could reasonably have answers. Our discernment came as a part of a sabbatical. We had scheduled a 2-day discernment process and asked for that space and time to be protected without others probing or offering unsolicited advice.

When people would ask questions, we had an answer (a different answer at different points and for different people). Most generally we would say, “We’re holding questions about fit in our role and the organization before the Lord in concerted prayer. Will you join us in this? We will keep you informed as we know more and as our future continues to become clearer to us. Will you let us know if you hear anything from the Lord, as well?”

When we felt clear about one answer - like a clear NO to living in Spain, we then had to ask other questions and wait for answers. While one door was open or closed, the other doors had not yet opened. We did not have the luxury of witholding sharing any longer.

Over the course of a year and a global pandemic, we slowly knocked on many doors - which country to live in? which state if the US? Which role would I have? Which role would Jeff have?

We offered up concerted prayer that only the right doors would open and that we would have unity and peace to walk through them. We did this with trusted mentors, prayer partners and a supportive community. We communicated along the way in a much slower process than we had done prior. We felt the desire to give answers that we didn’t have but in that position shared our questions with people more than answers. We extended grace to ourselves and asked the same of others.

For global workers, the answer to one question has a much greater reaching ripple effect than those who live in their home country. One answer about role fit may require an uprooting of one’s whole family after months and years of acculturation and language learning. These decisions are not to be taken lightly with an acknowledgement of layer of loss.

Giving the gift of discernment space is one thing that the local church, caring donors and friends can give to those in these difficult times of transition.

Give yourself a space to process, whether in the form of a sabbatical or an intentional Art of Transition workshop. Ask trusted friends for prayer. Form a discernment team. However you go about it - Don’t do it alone! This service of hiring someone to do a discernment life plan, remains the single best gift we have sought out for ourselves in the entirety of our vocational lifespan; A gift to ourselves, our children and our community.

For consideration:

In your opinion what keeps people from seeking out help in times of major life decision-making?

What would be the best aide for someone in a time of discernment?

End of Year Visual Examen

End of Year VISUAL EXAMEN

I’ve never been one to create New Year’s Resolutions. However, the idea of reflecting for the purpose of living life with intentionality, resonates. If given the space, I could enter into reflection and processing mode for hours. Unfortunately, this is an unrealistic expectation in this season of life and especially during the holidays. As of late, I give myself the whole month of January, not just the last day of the year or the first of the new year. Using an examen as a form of reflecting with God allows me to see where He was at work. Using visual cues allows for deeper and more holistic processing. In this space I consider how I grew, saw God at work, grieved or celebrated and ultimately became a different person in the year prior moving into the new year with purpose. Here are a few suggested questions and approaches.    

Top Reflection Questions:

·      What area(s) consumed my thinking and attention most?

·      Where did I experience God’s delight?

·      What are the most important events that took place in the last year?

·      Who are some of the significant people that were present in my life?

·      Where did I see the greatest breakthroughs (physically, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, spiritually)?

·      Where did I see the Lord at work in me this year?

While you may begin by just diving in, I find a few approaches aide my processing best. Begin by creating a quiet reflective space. Set aside distractions. Choose one of the following 4 visual prompts approaches.

Approach:

1.     15-30 minutes: Look through your calendar and make a list of the top events. Let these events prompt your thoughts as you contemplate the questions above.  

2.     30 minutes-1 hour: If you take photos, look back over the year’s pictures, such as on your smart phone and allow the visual stimulus to jog your brain in reflecting the questions above.

3. 1-2 hours: If you journal, look at your entries from the last year and note the important events and areas that concerned you or caused you great delight. You took time to write them down for one reason or another, note how they impact the questions above. (Looking back over emails or social media posts may serve as a similar form of mental stimulation.)

4.     1-3 hours: Utilize one of the above methods together with this visual reflection exercise of a clock. Having already made a list of important events, draw a clock adding numbers. The numbers will correspond to the months of the year (Jan = 1, Dec = 12). Start with 1/Jan. Use this as a prayerful exercise. Consider the highlights, breakthroughs, consuming thoughts or God’s delight in this specific period of time – January. Ask yourself a few questions like: Where were you as the clock turned last year? Who were you with? What has changed since January? What were you celebrating? What were you grieving?

Take your time and ask similar questions for each month. Allow the visual prompts as listed above to aide your memory. Draw or make note of the thoughts or feelings you want to capture within or outside of the clock. By the time you get through December you will be reflecting on recent days.

From there consider the integration of your examen with goal-setting or future-forward movement.

1. What Question(s) do I currently need answering from God?

2. What am I carrying with me into the New Year that I would like God’s healing around? 

3. What word, verse or song stands out to me right now as one to carry with me throughout the year?  

Consider who you want to share this with – your spouse, best friend, coach or team. What feels most significant to you from this experience? What support do you need going into this year?

Well done! Celebrate having created the time to listen to your head, heart, body and life!

Will You Stop Long Enough to Listen: Sabbatical Phase I - Realize

A Pause long enough to listen to my body, my mind and my heart

30 minutes into a straight uphill climb, I stop dead in my tracks. I look back, then up… I’m pretty sure I’m about to throw up. I’ve been carrying a 30-pound pack for two days, one small step at a time. From my current vantage point, it appears I’ve only gone half way to the top of what appears a very steep, no-end-in-sight climb. I stop to catch my breath, consider what I need to do to not throw up, or throw in the towel completely. I use the excuse of a bathroom break. Climbing 2000 feet of elevation in the backcountry with no pre-marked trails and a full pack, I figure others in the group would understand and extend grace.  

This hike was not unlike other hard hikes I had done. Typically at the half way point, I find myself welcoming a pause. A moment to look around and gain perspective, collect myself and ask, “Why the heck do I keep doing excruciatingly painful things?” Truly, I wonder at these moments: Why do I put myself through this? Do I even like it?

“Why don’t you just stop?”

My children asked this question in all seriousness on a phone call during a long Camino de Santiago trek after they heard of my countless blisters. Their rational response many years prior, still rings loud in my ears during times like this. “Why don’t I just stop?” The pause, despite illuminating any concrete answers, gives me a moment to catch my breath, consider my route, and make any necessary changes in my pack to sustain myself for the duration of the route.

I consider for a brief moment, is stopping really an option? When you’re on the extreme side of a mountain hike, there is seldom an opportunity to turn back. However, I never stop long enough to dialogue with myself and hear the answer to whether I like it, or truly should give up. I’m afraid of the answer I might hear and the quick slip into discouragement. I need the resilient mentality to keep me going. I usually just put my head down and keep taking one step in front of the other enduring the pain that comes.

The middle of a long hike, not that unlike the middle of life, requires me to PAUSE AND LOOK BACK honoring the path my life has taken. A quick pause in life similar to a hike doesn’t afford much reflection. Rather it’s a chance to come up for a breath of air and continue on until the breath no longer sustains. The pause in lengthier duration, however, allows us to enter deeply into our own stories and ask the hard questions. It is here that we have an opportunity to actually ask the hard questions and listen to the answers seldom heard amidst the hustle and noise of continuing on the same path.

While pain is a common side-effect of physically-demanding exercise, it’s also a call to listen to our bodies. The call to attend to pain, is the sacred invitation to honor my body’s limitations and honor the pain as a part of the journey that I am on.

When you stop long enough you may hear the sound of your body breaking down due to overwork or listen to the painful sounds of a relationship desperately overdue for repair due to neglect; An inner quest for purpose that has been pushed aside; A longing for something more than what you are currently experiencing in life.

Whatever the catalyst for this pause, whatever the season of life one finds herself in, the benefits of a sacred pause, far outweigh the costs.

If you find yourself here, considering a break in the form of a sabbatical, congratulate yourself. Taking a much-needed pause in the form of sabbatical is rare! By asking these questions you are already embarking on PHASE 1—Realizing the need.

Sabbaticals are considered a space and time away from full time work to reflect, study, create or experience holistic refreshment (Hoke, 259). It is in this inactivity that deep transformation and creativity come to life. Over the course of more than a decade of working with individuals, studying sabbaticals and experiencing them ourselves, we’ve come to determine there are a few wise practices.

The six phases of sabbatical best practices include: Realize, Release, Rest, Reflect (and Play), Realign, Re-enter. These six phases and the ability to allow oneself to enter into each of them, have been found repeatedly to best maximize the sacred pause.*

For Reflection: What keeps you from taking this sacred pause?

*These six phases have been adapted from Navigators Sabbatical Policy. The expanded definitions will be discussed in a different article.

Dis-integration and Re-integration in Transition

By Jeff Simons

Transition is a liminal space, a space between what was (and can’t be re-engaged), and what will be (but is not yet envisioned or realized). The same root as the word “threshold”… but often more of a long threshold-entryway, than a simple doorstep to hop over.

Transition causes a dis-integration of our Selves naturally…

Don’t be alarmed, you’re not fading into the ghostly realm! We aren’t talking about disintegrating into dust, like some Marvel movie; or being beamed into other dimension, like Captain Kirk. However, there is an unavoidable “spreading out” of the parts of ourselves across timezones and places that happens when we transition. Sometimes it’s physical belongings, other times relational connections. Sometimes it’s love and hurts of places and experiences, other times its hopes fulfilled, hopes lost, or hopes yet to be. Roots laid down, houses becoming homes, and then roots lifted up (sometimes with some tearing), and seeking new soil to root in once again.

This isn’t all bad though! Some pieces of ourselves are left behind in certain places, and with certain people—and rightfully so. They should be. But there are also pieces that get scattered about, and that need to be re-gathered, or re-integrated in our new lives going forward, in order for us to be whole again, and able to move forward on our best foot.

And not only our best foot, but into the better “next” that God is calling you to in your own transformation as a leader in the Kingdom work! Bono, from U2 coined this concept well in his song: All That You Can’t Leave Behind. The simple but moving logo of the concert series that followed this album was a heart in a suitcase. There is much that can’t be brought along, and much that can be left behind. But there are some very important pieces and dynamics of ourselves that must gather together and bring forward with you, into the new, into the future, even of the line of the horizon is still hard to make out.

THIS IS THE GOOD and HARD work of transition:

• discerning what can be left behind, and re-gathering what needs to be brought into the new

• allowing enough time and space to attend to the renewal of what’s been stressed, conflicted, exhausted and lost in the journey

• and, grieving well the things we leave behind or that have changed, and stepping wholly into the new with purpose and matured authenticity

For reflection:

1. On a blank paper, make a symbol or picture in one area representing the place you are leaving. On the other side of the paper, make a symbol of picture of the place you are going to. Make a picture of a suitcase with a heart in it in the middle of the page.

2. Now, using short words, phrases or picture, identify where in the “map” your physical belongings are (maybe some in different places, some with you currently?). Then do the same for the places in which key relationships and friendships exist. You may want to use a different color for these categories. Next identify places where conflict or unresolve exist. Lastly, identify where your dreams (or loss of dreams) exist around the map.

3. Step back and see what the Lord brings to your attention through this…

4. Lastly, write into the suitcase the things “you can’t leave behind”. Those important things (belongings, relational ties, dreams, callings) that you must carry in your heart going forward into the next season.

Common Haunting Myths About Grief in Transition

by Jeff Simons

[continuation of The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress]

It is all too easy, and normal(!), to feel bogged down by the illusive power of grief and loss. It happens to us all!

Take some time to slowly digest these common myths about grief, and be encouraged by the stability that comes through new awareness, taking the edge off of the overwhelm and hold it may try to have on you:

MYTH #1 : : Grief proceeds through very predictable and orderly stages…

Though we can intellectually read about the phases of grief, they don’t actually cooperate with a linear timeline!

Grief is more like a knotted ball of emotions to be unwound and messed with for awhile. You may experience several of the stages throughout a day, even. And you will likely circle back to some repeat emotions in the process. Coming out of grief is not a gradual incline either, but more like waves on a seashore as a storm fades, that lessen over time with each wave, but never fully disappear or are forgotten.

Your losses and griefs are, and always will be, part of you and your story; but the sting and manageability changes over time as you allow God to walk through the griefs with you.

Many have said about grief, “you have to feel it to heal it!”

MYTH #2 : : If you express intense feelings, or difficult questions, you’re losing control of yourself!

If you’ve spent anytime in the Psalms, you will see why David was a “man after God’s own heart.” He regularly spent time voicing ALL his emotions to God, in the trust and safety of his relationship and intimacy with the Almighty. As Joey O’Connor writes in Heaven’s Not a Crying Place, “If there is a wide gulf between your faith and feelings right now because of the hurt and pain you’re feeling, that’s not hypocrisy—that’s honesty!”

God’s deepest joy is connecting and being with us in our authentic and honest communication with him. Not only can He take it, he asks us for it, and He loves it! Feel free to approach the throne with confidence, knowing that the great Counselor of unconditional love is already waiting and eager to listen and connect with you.

MYTH #3 : : People with a strong faith don’t grieve, or need to.

Grieving is normal, natural, and necessary. God actually calls us to it, makes space for it in us, and meets us in the midst. The avoidance of grief is the greater sign of weakness. It takes courage to find space and time to stop, engage in prayer, feel your feelings, name them if you can, then (though not comfortable) SIT in that place for awhile. Invite the Spirit to attend to your soul in that place. He is already there and waiting for you. He will help you move THROUGH it, and you will be the better on the other side. The grief will not longer have the hold and sting it once had before.

MYTH #4 : : You should be pretty much back to normal after 2 or 3 months.

People might have this expectation, but de-cloak that from your own journey, and let God lead the timing. This will be different for everyone, as the causes, depth and effect of the losses vary widely. Let the process work itself out without pressure to “wrap it up”. Many experts have said you can expect to feel the grief for at least a year—the ebb and flow of the ball unwinding. Even years later, a smell, sight or comment may remind you of your loss and grief, and you may revisit some of the same feelings, ad find yourself reflecting once again. Time can help lessen the sting, but just like with real forgiveness among people, you must courageously go THROUGH the process to find the healthier footing on the other side. The cousin myth to this one: “Time heals all things.” This does not hold true if we are not first brave enough to journey through the valley of grief…

MYTH #5 : : A strong person should be able to deal with grief alone.

If Christ let us console him in times of grief, we can follow that example. Find safe friends and resource people who can really listen and hold this with you. Grief is one of the season’s that God helps leaders truly see the reality and power of His Body in action. See the photo accompanying the entry The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress. If even Jesus models making room for others to help him in his biggest challenge and grief, we too can have the courage to “look outside” ourselves and humbly ask for companions in our grief journey.

There is no one right way to hold the pain of grief. But here are a few healthy suggestions for best practices for Grieving “well”:

• Let others in. [See Myth #5 above]

• Practice giving voice to your authentic feelings with a few trusted spiritual friends. Name them. Let them be felt.

• Talk about what was lost. Write about the loss. Do art or get creative in ways to validate and honor the losses.

• Celebrate the good in the midst, in an authentic way. Grief can feel like it’s coloring ALL in life, but the truth is there are always several areas in life that are still “going well”.

• Lament your way through the Psalms.

It may sound trite, but through courage and authenticity, there are true in-roads to making “friends” with your grief. God always has hidden gems and nuggets for those bold enough to traverse that dark mineshaft of the grief season. Gifts that make you that much stronger and more solid on the other side. Grief does not need to be the overwhelming driver in your life. You have many choices along the way that allows you open up places of stability and peace, with Christ as your companion, along this challenging road…

For reflection:

What is one way that you have found helpful to courageous sit in, or hold the pain of grief?

What might authentic celebration look like for you in a time of loss?

The Two Phantoms of the Transition Opera: Loss & Stress (part I)

by Jeff Simons

Phantom I: Loss (and his twin, Grief)

I sit in the gorgeous chapel of a Retreat Center outside of Woodland Park, in view of Pike’s Peak, for a 4-day spiritual retreat…I’m asking the Father… and listening… and trying to find my way into healthy grieving and mourning of my earthly father, who passed just one month ago, at the age of 83.

Three months ago, in an attempt at a Covid-clouded family reunion in Mexico, and celebration of my parent’s 60th anniversary, my dad’s health took a major dive on day 1 of the trip; and we almost lost him. I ended up stuck in a hospital in Mexico with him for 10 days as he went through severe and unexplainable symptoms, complete loss of reality and memory, and all the messy and visceral challenges that come with a body and person breaking down.

We finally got him back to California, to the care of his doctor and several specialists. The cause remained an undiagnosed mystery, but he began to bounce back and was able to eventually return home. A few weeks later, however, a major stroke and stage-4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis found him being transitioned to his final few days in hospice. We were all barely able to gather as a family to say our last goodbyes, and put together a memorial service.

After what was a whirlwind of emotions, we are all left to figure out how to navigate the grieving process in our own ways…

This is death #5 in our family in the last eight months.

It’s been 2.5 years after our decision to move back from over 8 years of service as a family in Spain, and then the resulting transition to follow, complicated and elongated awkwardly by the Covid pandemic.

In part of the group discernment process that Sara and I underwent to decide whether it was time to: 1) leave Spain, 2) move off the team I was then serving with, and 3) stay with the same organization; one thing became very clear from the the Lord in that time…It was time to return to the US for a season of parent care.

Now, my parents as well as Sara’s had experienced some ailments thus far, but nothing so urgent that we felt pressured to quickly move in hope of being with them in their final days. However, it was apparent on our hearts, and those on our discernment team, that this was becoming a priority, on the personal front.

I carry great gratitude now to the Lord for His leading us to be Stateside these past 2 years, and to have some more quality moments with my parents before my dad’s passing. There remain areas that we are still in transition and stabilizing as a family in Colorado; and the decline of my father’s health, more pre-mature than any of us imagined, has been a significant part of this transition for us.

Transition, no matter how positive, no matter how “well” things are going according to plan, or no matter how tumultuous and sudden it is, come accompanied by two surprising and unavoidable undercurrents (phantoms, really) that we are often not aware of, and rarely give enough credit to, until they sneak up on us:

1. Loss (and his twin, Grief)

   and

2. Illusive Stress

Here’s what I’m being reminded of in this sudden time of grief. Both of these phantoms:

• diminish our capacity and efficiency by at least 50% while in transition, and surround us in a fog.

• neither can be sped up—though much can be done to slow down or stall your journey, if you’re unaware.

• require more internal and emotional work, rather than external fix-its or solutions—they can’t be intellectualized away!

• and despite the level of humility the Lord has transformed us toward, we ALL struggle with admitting that these “ghosts” are present, and that we cannot expel them on our own, despite our perceived strength!

We need help.

Loss and Grief come at us from a variety of trajectories, and often in combination(!), during transition:

• They Follow you! For example:

  • The missing and distancing of friendships and joys that were gifts in the place that you’re leaving

  • Questions about effectiveness during your time and work there… what didn’t transpire as quickly, or AT ALL, that you hoped would? Will the seeds you planted and the relationships you built last, or continue to make an impact?

  • What belongings, some sacred, have had to be left behind in the sorting toward affordable shipping, or in the suddenness of your forced move?

• They’re Out In Front of you!

  • There may be real loss that you are moving toward: the loss of a loved one, parent caregiving, specialized assistance for your struggling child…

  • Questions about what vocation and work will look like going forward… will it be as fulfilling, or I’m I going into a “hidden season”?

  • What remains of the familiar life we used to know back “home” (if you call it that anymore) as people’s lives have moved on and changed since we left, the country has changed, WE have changed. What is the new ME in this re-entry space?

• They’re Inside you!

  • What is my identity now in this “no man’s land”?

  • Where is God in all of these rapids? And if you had to depart unexpectedly or suddenly: Does God know what He’s doing? Why bring me all the over here after all that work, time and transition to simply pull me out, all of a sudden?

  • What are my gifts and skills rooted in now, and will they find root again in a meaningful and impactful way.

• They’re Alongside of you, too! Yikes.

  • Did I bring the “right” stuff with me? Did I leave the “right” stuff behind?

  • How am I to lead my family members well in this transition, when I feel the panicky edge and instability of this suspended season myself?

  • How do I explain this transition to others in a way that makes sense, when I can’t even make sense of it all?

As Kenneth Haugk(*) reminds us: “Grief is normal, natural, and necessary.” It happens to everyone, it cannot be avoided, it is NOT a sign of weakness (though left unattended, it can be very harmful), and you can only go THROUGH it, not around it. So, give yourself permission to grieve, knowing that the wise and strong response is to embrace it, befriend it, feel it, find God waiting for you right in the midst of it to make you stronger, and to allow the Body to journey in it with you.

Loss & Grief, the 2-headed phantom, manifest in us in different ways at different times for different people: some have trouble sleeping, others find it hard to get out of bed. Some find their minds preoccupied and unable to focus on tasks, reading or decision making; others find themselves laser focusing on one thing, and unable to take in the bigger picture around them. Others find themselves trapped in the loop of processing, conflict in relationships, and the “what ifs” they could have chose.

These are all normal human responses to grief and loss, you are NOT GOING CRAZY, and there is an extra need for grace for yourself and others in this season. Having a safe place to process this, with a trained therapist or pastoral counselor is always a plus, especially if it seems totally overwhelming, or if there is potential of harm to yourself or others.

Making Friends with the Phantom

Here are some suggested ways to engage grief well, learned from our own journeys, and that of Kenneth Haugk:

1. As you identify your losses during transition, list them out! Then, do small acts to commemorate the losses, on your own or as a family. For example, create some space and time, light a simple candle, name the loss aloud, leave space for it to be acknowledged, felt and honored, then blow the candle out when you’re ready. Repeat for each loss, and repeat the practice as needed or desired. Think of other simple actions you could take that have meaning for you, and are easy and mobile during transition. This will help provide tangible “rails to run on” for healthy grieving.

2. Leave space and grace for others and yourself. As we mentioned, everyone will ride through the grief waves and emotions in their own order, timing, and in their own way. Don’t prescribe for yourself or others a particular WAY to do it. Try to practice grace at the same level God extends grace to you…

3. Use a variety of ways to engage your body and creativity! Remember, grief has to be worked out emotionally and spiritually, not so much intellectually. Go for a walk or run, do art, journal, lift weights, yell in a pillow or in your car, do yoga, try new prayer methods, stand up and “shake it out” frequently. Find ways that fit you! Feel free to try different methods over time.

4. Take Care of YOU: Attend to your emotional, relational, physical and spiritual needs in transition. Many in ministry are used to caring for the needs of others, and often neglect their own needs. This is a time that calls for righteous counter-intuition! The better you care for yourself during grief, the better you serve others! Plan to take a slower pace in order to make space for this healing restoration. You do not need to prove to yourself or ANYONE anything by trying to force and push the grief and transition to materialize faster. Either God is taking care of this transition season, and you can trust Him; or you need to foolishly push and pull and stress things out in the decision making, which almost always ends up slowing the transition season, and increasing the pain that goes with it, for you and those around you!

5. Be Patient with the Fog: You are, in many ways, suspended in no-man’s land during this time. If transitioning internationally, you may be in international waters. You’re past immigration and customs, you’re waiting at a gate, but you’re not firmly in either the place you called home, or the place you used to call home. (I’ll let you decide which is which!) Or you feel like your life is hanging somewhere over the ocean still, though the plane has landed already.

   Or maybe there is no place to call “home” in this season! There can be an invigorating adventurousness to transition, like the adrenaline of a trapeze artist who has released grip on one swing, but is mid-air and wondering if the other swing will arrive in time! But usually “overwhelm” is the heavier force… of decision-making, of unanswered questions, of unnamed losses, the results of the dis-integration happening in your life. People often use some of these terms to describe the phenomenon: “a second spinning brain that won’t turn off, trying to figure it all out, even while I’m sleeping”, “forgetful and confused”, “making silly mistakes I don’t normally make”, “like I’m just going through the motions, but feel robotic and cut off from my emotions”, “functioning at 50%”, “disoriented, floating, delayed”. Be patient and graceful with yourself. The fog will diminish, and you will return to your normal capacity in time.

Lastly, but most importantly, I’m reminding myself, that God is just as present, perhaps even MORE SO, right in the center of your/my grief, as He is in your joyous seasons. It may be difficult to feel or sense Him amidst all the movement and noise, but just as we see throughout the Psalms, he invites us to approach his throne with confidence, and to bear our true feelings and hearts to him. That is the place where He meets us in the most powerful and transforming way, and shares in our grief.

In my listening during this time in the mountains, God brought to my remembrance a vision he gave me 3 years ago, before even the decision to return the the States was on the table. I was knelt at his feet, and he said to me, I will be your “Stable Father”. This name for my grief Companion now takes on a whole new meaning as He sustained me this past few months through the dark days of the mental and physical instability of my own dad. And though my earthly father is no longer with me, my stable Father shares in my grieving alongside me and invites me into a new aspect of communion with Him.

Peace and courage on your journey of discernment and re-integration during the losses (and GAINS!) of your transition.

You are not alone…

For reflection:

1. If grief follows you, is alongside of you, out in front of you and behind you—consider, where are you currently most impacted by it?

2. What are your thoughts on when you are “supposed to” move back from cross-cultural living, to attend to the parent care season? What assumptions do you, your parents, or your organization hold?

[Pictured above: Christ accepts help from Simon in a moment of his deepest grief. We too can reach out to the Body in our own grief!]

For further reading:

• A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, Jerry L. Sittser

• A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

• Journeying Through Grief: 4 Book series, Kenneth C. Haugk

Facing my Limiting Beliefs around Creativity, head on

The Creation and writing process, releasing many of the ideas swirling in my head, cause to me to continually face the limiting beliefs that I: AM NOT a write, thinker, or voice worth listening to. This work is real-life proof of the material that I am writing about and asking others to engage in:

1.     De-bunking the beliefs we carry throughout our lives that inhibit us from reaching our true and full potential. 

2.     Continually coming face to face with where our passion and the world’s needs collide - even when it is hard work and requires discipline and grace.

3.     Ultimately unlocking the creative potential uniquely inside of you and only you.

Limiting Beliefs

What are the stories that I tell myself when I’m low, lacking energy or hope and needing encouragement? What are the inhibiting factors that keep me from getting to the work that I believe I’m uniquely called to?

As a not-yet-able-to-call-myself-a-writer, writer, I’m aware that the voices that are coming out of me are ugly, loud and inaccurate. And while I can call those out in others, I struggle to be honest with myself. 

Here’s what those voices sound like as a writer (because I know listing them takes the sting away):

…Your message has already been said

…Your voice doesn’t matter

…You don’t have time for this

…You have other ways that you should contribute

…You are not a good writer

…You are not articulate

…You are not creative

…my thoughts are too scattered and all over the place

Overcoming objections is the kind and gracious extension we all need from ourselves. It’s the dig deeper, love big, way of settling our inner voice when the other voices get loud and out-of-control!  It’s the hard work of reframing stories that have been told wrong in the past. Changing the narrative to what can be done when there is courage and faith in myself to believe…

These limiting beliefs all point to what is called the imposter syndrome! What if people find out who I really am? The truth is, many have and they’ve liked that person. Could writing in public be a more vulnerable space to let others know who you are and what you think? It’s scary and vulnerable and they will get the real me, and I have to believe that many will resonate with that vulnerable girl.

For now, I must reframe these limiting beliefs and get them out of my head and heart:

…I do have a unique message

…my voice will be heard in a different way from others

…others have said that I communicate in a way that resonates with them (so even if it’s just 1…)

…the way that I connect the dots is unique to me

I came here today during a writer’s retreat and decided to let myself tangent here. I wanted to press on and press in. After months of feeling stuck, I had to call upon others who have gone before me to speak with a new voice. And really just create a safe space for me. 

I’ll admit it, it was a stretch to ask a group of complete strangers to hold me accountable to the task of writing! And yet there was great power in this silent group existing in my life for one day and for one sole purpose – to free the thoughts in my head. There was something incredibly comforting knowing they were boldly looking internally to discover their own writing voices. I knew they were diligently fighting the demons of their past alongside of me. And simultaneously, the main objective was to just keep showing up! Without criticism, without judgment. So I signed up for a group and away I went. I give credit to them for helping me to overcome one of my many objections.

In order to get to this point, sometimes I have to coach myself and be reminded of other similar situations in which I overcame objections. What other hard things have I done that look similar to this? That’s exactly where I woke from my sleep this morning. My response in this particular scenario: I’ve written and published a workbook, I took a 3 year degree and made it 9! And wrote a thesis to prove it. I’ve organized thoughts in hundreds of blog posts and created a manual to train others on…and so forth. I must remind myself that this is not new. What I’m attempting to accomplish is not the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have been prepared for this moment to begin looking into the eye of the storm of creativity and allowing all the unique ways that I am me to show up in full and good form. In that way, I am convinced that there is someone out there who needs me to persevere and keep finding my writer’s voice. It’s for that reason I continue. 

What are your limiting beliefs? How do you overcome them? Who do you share these with?

Responding to a Crisis: What is my role to fill?

As we see the great need of the Ukrainian/Russia war, we consider - What is the most sacrificial and useful way that I can be of help and give in to the feelings of hopelessness or desensitization in this or any other global crisis? 

These are the relevant questions that we’re asking ourselves. Especially as we have recently been asked to take part in crisis debriefing aide workers and refugees fleeing the Ukraine. 

Why are we desiring to respond to this crisis?

While our hearts bleed as mental health professionals and caregivers, we recognize our limitations in the form of past burnout. There are sadly innumerable crisis that we could respond to. We’ve been reminded that having a few “harbor lights” on, or a grid to work through, will help best determine if/when we say the solid yes to serving in a crisis.* 

1.     Was I/were we specifically asked to participate and offer help?

2.     Is my/our expertise best used here?

3.     Is my family on board with this commitment?

4.     When I pray about it, did God say a clear no or not now? (A yes, doesn’t always come in a crisis, a clear no can sometimes be a stronger indication).

5.     Do I have an ongoing set of relationships on the ground that others can connect to?

6.     Will our service or time take away from anyone else that could be doing what I can do?

In summary, we answered yes to the first 5 and no to the last question. We were asked, have connections on the ground, have been uniquely trained in this work and have been reminded of an incredible need. 

With a request for all hands on deck with nearly 2 million refugees expected in the coming weeks, I am aware that I am able to use peer debriefing to aide workers and refugees that have experienced horrific injustice and violence as a service to many in need. As well, I do not have to be a part of the infrastructure of creating it, I can simply do the work I’m trained in as a response to the great need. And finally, I can do the bulk of the work virtually.

Why debrief?

Debriefing is a form of listening to someone’s story, normalizing it, validating it, and reassuring them that they are not alone. It is a way of providing an initial or interim support system, especially when other support systems are lacking or non-existent. Debriefing is a set aside period of time for listening, for the purpose of supporting the person in need, caring about them and their unique story. 

When a debrief is done well, it defuses intense feelings that can get stuck in the body and show up in many harmful ways. It allows for a sharing of a burden of what can feel chaotic and overwhelming leading to other mental health problems. A debrief can help to end isolation and promote connection. It also can allow for an opportunity for growth. 

It can also serve as an opportunity for grounding one’s nervous system, taking them from a continual fight, flight or freeze mental state to one of stability and safety. 

What will debriefing global workers or refugees coming out of the Ukraine look like? 

We are working in partnership with other reputable organizations that are on the ground in Romania, Poland and other parts of Eastern Europe. When these organizations have deemed the work necessary and most advantageous (out of harm, long-term benefits), we will begin to offer ourselves and our service within a limited number of hours/week. The benefit of working alongside of another organization is multi-fold. Being available on a team, having supervisors who I can debrief with myself, and having the infrastructure for systematizing the large quantity in need. 

With such a large need, when will you stop serving in this capacity?

We have no idea. Again, the benefit of working within a larger structure and organization is that we are not the one’s solely responsible for all the needs and debriefing care. We will continue to re-evaluate our ability to serve well as the demands come in. We will have to reinforce good self-care and boundaries, as well. We will continue to evaluate our capacity to serve well, given the grid mentioned above. And we will have to be in concerted prayer about our limitations.

How can I be of help?

As we ask, what is the most sacrificial way we can respond, we ask you to consider the same. Here are several ways you may be of help:

Financial: In order for us to put down other work, we need to access an emergency fund for this type of work. Several thousands of dollars are needed (depending on the length of time that this will go on for). We have created a scholarship/emergency fund that we would draw these funds out of to do this type of work. We trust that if we are to do this work, the money will be provided. You can use this giving link & choose scholarship/emergency fund.

Debriefing: If you are a trained debriefer, reach out. We’d love to utilize your skills

Administrative: While attending to a crisis, other things will slip through the cracks. This is where the work could continue on if we had other’s hands on deck with The Way Between.

Go: While the immediate need is not to be in person taking up space in beds and with limited supplies. In the coming days, there will inevitably be larger needs. Construction for housing, food, childcare, trauma debriefing and in person care. We are connecting with other global workers who are on the ground and know of these needs. Reach out if this is of interest to you.

Prayer: In the wake of a crisis of this size, we are in greatest need of your prayer covering. 

Connect us with others who may be asking the same questions – how can I help. 

Please pray about and consider your part in any crisis. Maybe this isn’t the one you respond to. But if it is, consider how you can best be used.

*Thanks to James Harrington at The Uganda Water Project for shedding light on this for me.

Decision-Making Fatigue: 6 Unique Categories of Consideration for Global Workers

…And I chose the path less traveled

For major life decisions there are 6 major categories of consideration for Cross-cultural Workers. (No wonder these decisions feel so weighty!)

When asked to make a decision about lunch at Subway, I saw the looks of overwhelm in my British friend’s eyes. This was 2002 and her first time in a Subway sandwich shop. Thanks to globalization it came to her backyard. She had never before encountered the barrage of choices that were presented before her over a simple sandwich. I caught the looks of bewilderment at each set of questions - which type of bread? Which type of meat? Cheese or no cheese? Toppings? Sauces? Chips? Drink? Dessert? By the time she had gone through the line she looked exhausted! The process, when considered from an outside perspective appears to be one of slow torture; Almost a wearing down to throw your money at whatever is easiest to escape the pain of decision-making. It appeared she had made no short of 57 decision in 5 minutes flat (give or take a few!) And all before attending to her low-blood-sugar-starved brain…slow-torture.

We have our choice-driven culture to thank for the plethora of options presented to us around every corner! Isn’t this the average decision-making scenario for so many of us…just for a simple lunch? Trivial decisions regarding lunch or what to wear call for some of our best decision-making energy. How can we conserve for when it matters most?

I recall Barak Obama, while in office, being quoted for saying he wanted to wear the same style outfit (with slight color change) every day while serving as President, due to the need to conserve his decision-making capacity. Intrigued, and yet simultaneously I resonated on a much smaller scale.

While a simple act such as repeat wardrobe attire can create necessary space, decision-making conservation requires frequent and diligent attention. Especially when in major life transition. As a cross-cultural worker, I remember the overwhelm in the entry and now re-entry and all that is to be considered on an average day. And yet, when it came to discernment of vocational fit and geographical location, the complexity of one decision’s ripple-effects validated the headaches I would feel for days.

Consider this. There are 6 layers of ripples in consideration for major life transition for cross-cultural workers:

Personal Fit (significance)- Where does my deep gladness meet the world’s great need(s)? Is what I’m doing the ultimate contribution role that I am on this earth to engage in? If not, is it on the same track? Is my vocational work life-giving?

Team Fit (operation)- Am I able to live out my ultimate contribution “personal fit” on this particular team? If not, why not?“ “Am I supported in my unique gift mix?”

Organizational Fit (support)- Is this the organization that my values most align with? Where I can be supported? Where I can contribute my voice? Are there other organizations that are doing similar work?

Location Fit (effectiveness) - Is the location I’m working in supporting or inhibiting my call? Is this the place where my calling can best be lived out?

Other considerations:

Collective Marital Fit (relational) - Some may believe that when they exchanged vows, God called them together as a couple to engage in the same organization and team fit. Others have discovered their uniqueness may be best lived out as individuals in two very different settings of work. Especially as cross-cultural workers it is important to ask the previous 4 questions, “Is my spouse living into his/her vocational calling? Are they doing life-giving work?

Family Fit (relational) - Similar to the above. There is disagreement around children being “called” to the same work and what, if any particular role they play. Nonetheless I stand firm in believing that the health and well-being of the kids is top priority. How are my children thriving with my personal fit, team fit, organizational fit, location fit? Do their current needs require a prioritization above my fit or calling?

ONE PIECE AT A TIME

In cross-cultural work, it’s hard to unpack the complexities of the overlapping variables. One has likely given up comforts, home, and culture to do the current work engaged in. If shifting to a new culture versus returning to a previously familiar culture the emphasis of adjustment will be quite different. For example, people don’t often consider a re-entry moving budget when returning, despite assuming you would need one when landing in a new and foreign country. They also might not consider the adjustment phase that is needed for re-entry.

For many, the transition out of - a role, a vocation, an organization, a specific location - can be very clear. For others these layers all mesh together. And for most, where to go next carries the most frightening set of unlimited options. It is recommended to break down the great big elephant of a problem into small pieces - whether which door is closed or which doors are opening.

Consider, for example, the location you are working, as a tusk or a foot or an eye of the elephant. (Too many decisions already?) Okay, it’s an eye! The type of work you are doing as another part. Focusing on each of the pieces one at a time can begin to bring clarity in a much more manageable way as opposed to feeling overwhelm.

These decisions are costly - emotionally, physically and financially. The weight one decision carries, unlike domestic work, effects every SINGLE area of life. This is why it is so complicated and why it requires so much brain power.

Here are a few ways in addition to limiting your wardrobe that may aide in your decision-making power

1. Make decisions when your brain is fresh. Put off hard decisions until you are at your best.

2. If making many decisions like organizing your belongings, do this in 2-3 hour periods of time at best

3. Employ help. Having a third party who is objective and able to understand is invaluable!

4. Consider others who have done this before. Ask others - what worked? What didn’t? What do you wish you would have done? What did you do well?

5. Extend yourself grace. Reward yourself when you do make these hard decisions.

6. Take breaks. Breathing and taking breaks are way under-rated. If only you do one thing do this - BREATHE!

*Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me
Either way
And the places I long for the most
Are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me
Like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I had found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey
But then neither is this

Leaving out what it lacks
And the future feels so hard
And I want to go back
But the places they used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the Promise
And the things I know
Chorus
Bridge: If it comes to quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
And if it comes to quick
I may not recognise it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

*Grateful to Herb and Deb Lamp and their recent introduction to this song.

Keep or Save: Practical Tips for Down-sizing or Moving

How to get rid of your belongings before moving.

I used to have an organizing business called transitionlight for people who had recently lost a love one. I would come in as a coach, listener and organizer and evaluate if they were in a place to start sorting and downsizing their loved-ones belongings. Many times the answer was evident that the client was in a deep grieving period and they needed to wait at least a day, week or a few months to make major decisions. If the answer was to move forward, they would contract my services to evaluate how to best help them keep, sell or donate their treasures. This was compassion work. It was hard physically and emotionally. It was also incredibly rewarding.

So much of that work applies to working with cross-cultural workers who are leaving their home country or re-turning home. Anyone who has done this type of patriating or repatriating work, recognizes that moving is an inevitable part of the job. And some of us have had way TOO much experience at it! However, we forget that belongings and decisions about belongings require an incredible amount of mental energy. 

Here are some of my top tips when it comes to organizing the logistics of your belongings for your own mental sanity.

Start Early/Sort Often: 

Sorting for an hour a week over the course of many months can save you weeks of work in a stressful season of transition. Keeping it simple and doing it a little at a time is often the best measure of prevention in caring for your brain and your body. If a move is likely on the horizon, start sorting (not packing) as soon as you possibly can. That way when the time comes to actually putting things in boxes you are not sorting, you are just packing.

Employ Help:

Walking with people in this process can be tedious, but a huge gift. In the end, if I or someone other than the client was willing to re-distribute or discard the “no” piles– garbage, recycling, donation center, etc., it made progress that much more efficient.  

Whether you regularly use methods of organizing like the recently popularized, Marie Kondo or tend towards hoarding for a rainy day, we all have our areas of strengths and weaknesses when it comes to our attachment to treasures. The majority of the work I did with transitionlight, was to come alongside of people in a time of bereavement and help them to make clear and thoughtful decisions. I would ask them 1 simple question – Would you like to keep, sell or donate this item? It was simple for me, as an outsider, but proved painful and belaboring for someone in a time of extreme stress lacking the emotional capacity to make clear decisions.

Give yourself grace. Organize when you have the mental fortitude. To answer this one question, we created 3 piles: a yes - keep, no - get rid of and a maybe pile. (If the answer was, “I don’t know,” a second decision would have to be made. I would discourage this but not taboo it!) 

One element of this work which I found most fascinating, is that almost anything in the “maybe” pile quickly made it to the “no” pile if a client could think of someone else who could use it. Now, understandably, not everyone feels as sentimental about receiving a holey blanket or an old pair of shoes. To ward off potential family disputes, I created a list of local places that had specific needs – animal shelters that needed blankets, libraries that wanted books, schools that desired art supplies, you get the point.

Giving away sentimental  items becomes easier, even for those with hoarding tendencies, when their treasures are desired by others. 

Implement Creative Conservation I, as a coach and supportive outsider, would suggest creative ways of “keeping” things without having to literally keep the physical object. Take a picture, or conserve by employing someone to make a quilt of those 50 sentimental t-shirts, or a scrapbook of the 1000 pictures. Donate the 50 ball jars, or repurpose those tins into storage containers. Creative thinking was welcome, (but not at the expense of belabored decision-making).  Remember, closed questions that require a simple yes or no are easier to answer than “what would you like to do with this”!

Sell with limits

When we recently moved we had good stuff, not amazing and not new. But good. And resellable in the community in which we were living. It was hard to find garage sales or freecycle opportunities in this foreign country (and in a pandemic). That said, I created an elaborate LIVE google document with pictures and detailed explanations of each item so we could avoid lots of messages. (this is something someone else can help with). Here’s the process: 

1.    Create a live google document that you or someone else is willing to manage. Take good pictures, or borrow the originals from website and share as much and as HONEST of information as you would want if you were buying it so you can minimize the amount of communication needed. (i.e. Does it have stains, how big is it, how old is it?) 

2. Get your items prepared. Wash, clean, and make your item look like you would want to buy it. It doesn’t have to be new, but the value will greatly increase if it looks like it.

3.    We sent out the link to targeted people we knew were moving into the area or within the area and asked them to reply back on what they wanted us to hold. After a few targeted messages we opened it up to a wide audience and asked people to share. We asked that they pay in paypal, ahead of time if possible in the currency of the country we were moving to (not living in). We needed the money for where we were headed not where we were. And we needed them not to be flakey!

4.    We then set up LIMITED pickup times. When I say limited, I mean limit it! Don’t be flexible on this. You are moving and it is a lot of work. Ask others to come to you and come within two windows or you won’t have it by X time. For example: Tuesday 12-3 and Thursday 3-6. Because most people in our network understood the strain of this type of move. They were supportive and respectful of this request. THIS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN OUR TIME! We’re talking about communicating with 30 people over weeks vs. 30 people in 6 hours. Paying ahead of time eased the burden of the money exchange, as well.

5.    Have a “for sale” & “for free sale”. We were setting up the little items that we didn’t take pictures of for a garage sale at the end of the week. Now, let me just add that garage sales can be a big pain without a lot of gain. But the good thing was that when people came to “pick up” their larger reserved items, we had our garage sale set up ready for shopping. Nearly everyone that bought a bigger item also bought several smaller ones. And consider it a small miracle, several came back for more.

We didn’t pressure ourselves to have that all ready, but rather we were sorting throughout the week and keep adding to it. We also had a “please repurpose” section which was basically our free pile of half-used up boxes of toilet paper, non-expired food, and other small not-worth-it-to-ship-or-sell-treasures! 

Specific up-to-date descriptions + a good network (or networker depending on your scenario) + limited pick-up times. Amazed and surprised, every SINGLE thing on this list sold to people in our network! It felt like a sheer miracle (there were over 50 items...think appliances and furniture and such.) and we received over $3000. We also had a small garage sale with what was leftover. This brought in just $300... which didn't seem very worth it except my son sold some of his treasures and that was fun for him. The rest we donated. It is a lot of work! Pace yourself and employ help.

On that note….

Exercise Good Self-Care

Besides helping people sort their things into 3 piles, the other top value I was needed for most was reminding people to take care of themselves. BREATHE, BREAKS, WATER, FOOD, SLEEP. Very basic and very necessary self-care requirements for good and effective decision-making. The most obvious – breathe – is one nearly everyone needs help with when doing the hard work of organizing especially in transition. It’s amazing how often you hold your breath when you are doing stressful things. The other, take breaks and don’t organize for more than 3 hours at a time, was one I learned through my own research. Your brain can’t handle making these thousands of decisions all at once. 

If I was sitting with you before starting, I would ask you these few questions: 

“What do you value most?” (the answer may not be your belongings – it may be time if you have limited time)
“Is selling your treasures before leaving, worth your time and energy?” 

“What would you regret giving away?”
“Who can help you in this?”

“What has sentimental value from the place in which you are leaving?” (Give grace if this answer is different for each individual in a family).

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