Chili Contests and Vulnerable Creation Spaces

I entered a chili cookoff last night at my daughter’s school for the first time in my life. Never before have I felt the courage to invite people to openly critique my food! And I can’t exactly pinpoint what came over me for this shift to occur!  In fact, if you’ve eaten at our house before, it was likely Jeff’s cooking that was placed in front of you.  I say I like to experiment or functionally cook. And I come more present to the table when it’s not my creation we’re invited to.
 
In the month prior, Jeff noticed this rare occurance unfolding and asked me why this time was different (as well if I wanted any help!). I responded, “After years of really bad and below average chili-making, I think I might have found my go-to recipe!” I had recently modified a chicken fajita chili and thought it good enough to share with the world.
 
My son chimed in, “Do you think it’s good enough to win? Is it a contender?!”
 
To which I thought for a few seconds, “Actually, no. Ha! If I’m honest, I really don’t!” But I do think it’s good enough to share, as it’s unlike anything I've had before. 
 
I reflected that this process was more about me and a process of creation than it was about chili or winning.
 
That small revelation spoke to how I feel about much of what I create today. Vulnerable with a large dose of personal growth…Hard to get out of my head and into the world.
 
Isn’t that the summary of the creation process - vulnerable and often stunted? Vulnerability is required every step of the way as you pivot from one stage to the next...As with anything creative from writing a sermon to creating a painting and everything in between, all creative processes go through these 4 phases - Preparation, Incubation, Illumination and Implementation which I was reminded of in something as simple as a chili contest.

In the preparation phase, it is often a change that has necessitated a creative shift. Anything we create requires and entry point and motivation towards something new. For me that was bad chili. This nudging caused me to prepare and begin looking.

The Incubation phase - a time of hiddenness and experimentation. This phase was an invitation for me to brainstorm, explode, mess up, try out a combination of ingredients as was the case with the chili, double the recipe and even mess up. Like creating in life we have the opportunity to keep trying in this phase or to give up. The best innovation happens here in the incubation period when we keep working to refine what was okay into something great.

The third phase is the illumination - an aha that what is being created is different and worth it. Some say what brings you to creation is desperation. We need to be reminded of the impetus for change as we trudge through the mud waiting for that moment(S) of illumination. In the illuminate phase we can use that desperation for something better, something more, a fix for something that was breaking or broken.

And finally in the implementation phase we try it out in the world. A pilot phase. This piloting may be a place many never make it to. One might create in private and keep it in private never showing their brilliance to the world for fear of failure. My coach used to say, “Excellent enough, Sara!” As though he knew I might paralyze the process and keep it from full implementation if I waited for my creation to feel complete and whole.

And while implementation is the final phase of the creation process officially, in many ways it’s just the start. The feedback loop provides invaluable input into the creation itself.

I coached a leader this week along these lines saying, have you thought about just trying ____out with a small group of people and asking for feedback? He is looking to make a shift but not sure how to take the next step. As we considered together the blocks, we also discussed a trial period of sorts. 
 
“Why not bring this idea before a handful of supportive people? And ask for their honest feedback? Isn’t that what a pilot is – pressure to not have it perfect, but openness to be on the way.”
 
Bringing my recipe to this event was a small step towards awareness of my self-consciousness and insecurity around cooking; as well as an openness to be on the way. I’m hesitant to bring what I create to the spotlight for critics and approvers alike. I shy away from saying, look this is pretty good and I think you’ll benefit if you try it (and also it might not be your favorite yet!)…but amuse me either way! 
 
That vulnerability in recipe-making translates to what we’ve created recently in this vocational world of transition care in the form of a sabbatical ecourse and camino hiking experience. 
 
We think these two particular offerings are pretty off the charts (way better and time-tested than my chili) and maybe the best spaces we know that exist for leaders in transition to overcome burnout, stuckness, major life transition, and confusing places of vocational shift. We created these resources because this is what we wanted in transition or on sabbatical. And they have served others with positive feedback and ultimately deep soul care! 
 
I watched and reluctantly asked person after person their impression of my chili. A part of the refinement process that I’m working on in every area of my life being helpful feedback loops. Honestly, my flammin’ chicken chili needed to be cooled down, so I brought sour cream – maybe as a bit of a crutch but also as permission. There’s no going back when you add too much chili powder. In return for my asking, I received lovely interactions, and was met with delight, surprise, dislike and even one man’s wanna-be-professional-chef evaluation on my secret ingredients! Many children loved the sour cream most of all the “chili” offerings! And ultimately I had fun doing it.
 
Honestly, I’m proud of myself for this humbling step. And while I didn’t win, I did create something that was a process of vulnerability and the creative cycle feedback loop. For that alone it was a success. 
 
What are you putting out into the world these days? What is requiring new levels of creativity and vulnerability?
And what support do you need on the journey?

When Sabbatical Feels Far Off But Desperately Needed

For many reasons I’ve dreaded writing this as it’s the lived-out version of what we do day in and day out splayed open to critique and judgment as I find my way forward in a very personal way. I muster up courage telling myself that at worst I’ll receive criticism and not everyone will love or agree with what I write. On the other hand the transparency may strike a chord with someone who deeply resonates. And if nothing else, as my writing partner encourages me, “vulnerable words and shared experience are more interesting to read!” (Thanks Melissa!)

Here’s the reality…

I (Sara) walk amongst the slow these days. Quite literally, a snail’s pace at times. I carry my hidden crutches fully inside my body in the form of hormone dysregulation and auto immune disorder. I know I am not alone in this. Many of us are fighting a battle that can’t be seen.  And yet it somehow feels different as a sabbatical coach.

It took years (30 to be exact) to admit that I had lived my whole life with varying degrees of brain fog that debilitated even everyday communication. My unseen limitation on a regular basis is basically a hiccup in my brain and a bite of food away from a long nap, and severe stomach ache. These are all manageable, but still incredibly inconvenient. In extreme times I can’t get out of bed and don’t have the capacity to take in new information.

“It took years (30 to be exact) to admit that I had lived my whole life with varying degrees of brain fog that debilitated even everyday communication.”

As a sabbatical and transition coach I wrestle with how to live into this reality when in extreme or moderated forms; when I can’t push myself like my personality would prefer. There are no reserves to draw from. I am forced to slow down and admit the need to do so.

There are seasons when we must slow down or even stop. And there are times when stopping for a long pause isn’t yet possible.

As a sabbatical coach we often hear the question,

“How do I operate in day to day life when I can’t get what I need yet and I’m on the slippery slope of burnout?”

And from others, the question is “Where do sabbatical coaches turn when they need a rest and a break?”

Like leaders in any sector and especially those in 24-7 or demanding ministry, “Where can we ALL find space to be transparent and in need, and not fully live into what we need, such as sabbatical, at the same time?”

Here are few counter-intuitive lessons from my recent Camino experience that I’m applying in my daily life and learning to embrace in this season when I can’t yet push pause.

1.     Listen to Your Body. Having walked 5 portions of the Camino de Santiago over the last 7 years, I have found the athlete inside of me come alive again. The Camino is different in that it invites our whole self to the conversation of spiritual transformation in the reality of where we are currently living but noticing in a heightened way while walking. One of the ongoing and strikingly obvious lessons has been this - my body knows how it wants to move and when it can move, and when it needs to rest. I just need to tune into the wise voice it speaks, listen, and respond. I apologize to my body for the way in which I would never treat any other human - like a machine. This feels new and an important lesson in sustainability and care. I apologize for the mistreatment and welcome ongoing guidance as we do this life together.

“I see you body. I see what you’ve done for me and how you can’t do it any longer. I acknowledge you’ve been working hard and need to stop for a time.”

— A moment of gratitude to myself

2.     Permission to rest. I recently read a statistic that lack of sleep is a better predictor of diabetes than diet. Meaning it is also the best prevention for this and many other diseases (of course alongside exercise and diet). In this season I must give myself permission to go to bed earlier. To say no to evening activities. To allow myself grace to skip a seminar and to take a nap. Or as on the Camino, to not walk for a day. I can work a 4-day work week and intentionally schedule sabbath. These are all lessons in resting - undeniable lifelines for me in this season.  

3.     Leave margin. If there is one thing I must daily focus on, it is how to get margin in all areas of my life. I do almost nothing at the speed I would like to or that I see others doing. For example, I move slower therefore I must leave the house earlier. I think slower so have to leave more time for creation in deadlines or even emails I need to write. I don’t schedule meetings back to back, I can’t pivot that fast. I don’t multi-task, my brain drains much faster when I try to. I can’t procrastinate and deal with the stress of last-minute changes.

In nearly every area of my life right now, I must think about adding extra time and energy. While this takes time in itself, it also allows me to show up as best as I can in what I do commit to.

4. Downshift my expectations of reality. When I drive uphill in a stickshift I notice the change in the sound of how hard the engine is working. With years of practice, I intuitively hear the overuse and manually shift down to third, second or even first to allow the engine to perform at its best capacity. If I don’t, I know it will not perform at all. In this last season of non-profit start-up I’ve had to acknowledge how loud the engine is running in my life and how I haven’t released it to work in 2nd or 1st gear, instead revving in 5th.  

In the last 6 months, it pains me to say what we haven’t done but these are the graces and can humbly admit it has been for the best. We cancelled two, 7-week cohorts. We only attended one conference instead of multiple this fall. We released the pressure to strategize best contacts, speak twice and have a booth at the one we did attend. We let go of the expectations on ourselves to finish our book by our desired deadline.

Full transparency none of those were chosen by me. The cohorts didn’t fill up, the second proposal didn’t land, the book didn’t get the space in our schedule that we desired to finish it. We were forced to downshift and humbly admit our humanity in it all. Ultimately I have to admit a performance orientation and confess that I am living unrealistically. I have to tell myself, not everything needs to be done by me and right now. This is a daily conversation. How much is enough?

5.     Ask for help. I am the first to admit that being needy is not in my DNA. However the value of the community of believers and the picture of Moses’ arms being held up by Aaron & Hur (Exodus 17:12-14) grants me permission to say, “it’s okay and even expected to need people”.

While we coach people to find where the world’s needs and their passion intersects and to live in that space 80% of the time, in start-up and certain ministry roles this is not always possible. At times there is no one else to do the job I’m not able to do (or am not skilled at doing).  So I’ve learned to ask, what can I NOT do today? What can someone else take off of my plate? And what can I just let go of entirely and not pick back up at this time?

And sometimes that website re-design or the newsletter doesn’t get attended to. I’ve had to extend grace that even though I’d like things done faster, frantic pace isn’t possible or healthy 100% of the time. There may be seasons of busy but we are not machines that can be pushed 24-7-365.

6.     Keep engaging in good self-care. As my naturalpath read my lab reports several months ago, his reaction surprised me. He said, I’m amazed by the look of these that you’re not doing a lot worse.” (Thank you?!) “What your labs tell me is that you’re currently in stage 2 of adrenal fatigue/burnout but you have great DHEA levels which says that healthy rhythms are sustaining you.” My takeaway: labs don’t lie!

We proceeded to converse and he probed a bit deeper about the practicalities. I shared what I have actively put in place to one degree or another over the last two decades of living with my health limitations. I proceeded to share that I have learned many hard disciplines such as daily supplements, intentional diet, daily exercise, turning work off at a decent hour, & weekly sabbath. I have the role of wife and mother that no one else can do so religiously focus on balancing play and fun with my husband and kids (separate and together). We incorporate more celebration and traditions and invite others into them whenever possible. Getting life-giving time with friends is huge for me so I schedule it at least once a week, even when I was in transition. Going to bed ridiculously early, only drinking decaf coffee (no judgment - it’s what my body needs), and saying no to a lot more than I would like are all part of good self-care for me. I have a support system of people that I rely on to keep me accountable to specific areas, such as this naturopath doctor.

I was reminded in that conversation that it can be really frustrating to have good rhythms and still experience your body as not fully functioning. My self-care rhythms haven’t solved all of my adrenal dysfunction issues, but they have made it possible to live a relatively normal life.  

7.     Reduce Stress. In that same conversation, he noted, you can’t take out all of life’s stress and sometimes stress is good, but your body must manage the amount coming in. Because of this immune disorder my body is always under a fair amount of stress in general maintenance. I heard, I must pick my battles more wisely! The energy reserves for stress are diminished and not being replenished as a normal person’s would.

And yet as I shared with my doctor and consider what is relevant to others, I feel a deep peace. I am attending to my limitations. I continue to incorporate the rhythm of my “Camino pace” as a reminder of my long and arduous journey just a few weeks prior. Slow and steady one foot in front of the other when I don’t know how long the journey will be or what other “mountain” I may find myself in front of. We say the Camino parallels life, like it or not, and these are my direct parallels and opportunities for ever-maturing response.

If I was sitting with you as a friend or coach, I would ask, “What strikes a chord? What is your key takeaway from how to live out a life of balance and rest when a sabbatical is not able to be actualized… yet?”

Sharing Difficult Transition Stories: Framing the Narrative with Respect & Honor

Sharing Difficult Transition Stories  

“How do I tell our transition story? I want to honor all parties involved and recognize my boundaries in sharing the truth and yet be honest and transparent at the same time.”

When we use the words “transition story” we are referring to giving language to the reason for a change in role, organization or geography. The important details of why there will be a shift in your life and potentially the lives of those around you. A transition story involves unpacking the why and the what with a variety of audiences - a supporting church, friends, family, neighbors, and donors.

With over a decade of being a transition coach, we recognize that the most difficult transition stories to discuss are those that include interpersonal conflict. It’s no wonder that people feel guarded or even paranoid about what information is being relayed. This type of transition story is what we are referring to here.

Seldom are transition stories clear, concise and neutral. On the contrary, the why behind a transition is typically laden with a broad mix of emotions, secrets, conflict, chaos and confusion. Often, the narrative includes fuzzy details and if told by the other party may sound as if two people took a vacation to two different destinations. The stories just do not match.

When I went through my painful transition several years ago, a wise counselor said to me, “Sara, you can’t worry about what the others involved are sharing. But you can be fully responsible for how you frame your story. You can control what you share and the posture you choose to share it from.”

Ultimately I was being invited to consider what words I would share and with whom. I so desperately sought to be understood, but I determined early on that I would NOT go to great lengths to search out who knew what and if it matched my version of the stories. I set out instead to share honestly, authentically and without suffering from a vulnerability hangover! You know the feeling - the check in your spirit in hindsight when you wish you would have kept your mouth shut. You wish you could take the words back, but you can’t. I so deeply desired to walk away from every conversation feeling as though I spoke with integrity and honored all parties involved and my story as well. Honestly, I didn’t always do this well…

What this meant in summary was keeping the story brief and choosing my listeners as they chose to listen to me. Not everyone heard the same amount of the story. I shared general information with some and deep feelings and pain with others. I reserved the details for those who knew me well and could hold the value of this narrative in the greater picture of my life and our relationship and in confidence. The story did not change, the amount of details and the way I described it did. Speaking with integrity and honor was my pursuit for justice in an unjust situation!

—————————————-

As third-party transition coaches at The Way Between, we frequently find that people seek us out as a safe space to talk about their confusion, stuckness or conflict without us knowing their organizational dynamics and overlaps. When we have affiliation with an organization, we try to refrain from over-relating or projecting our experiences. We want to maintain a safe healing space for all parties involved. When I ask certain questions, or mention certain names, I must be aware of my own curiosity versus having the best interest of all parties in mind. Recognizing the way I may trigger someone with the simple mention of a name.

When we previously offered these same services internal to a larger organization, we often found ourselves pulled between relational loyalty - unable to authentically serve in that position. A simple mention of the word “boss” or “president” may mean that you know exactly who the person was struggling with and likely heard rumblings of his/her side of the story, if not firsthand, as well. And if you did know the person, you likely had feelings or bias. In dual-relationship care professions it remains challenging to remain a neutral, caring, un-biased listener. 

Getting clear on the message you want to communicate and to whom, will dictate how you navigate transition well. For your discernment, consider these three categories when giving voice to your experience – simply to whom, how, and what will you share:

1.     TO WHOM DO YOU SHARE - Who is this audience to me and the other important figures involved in my story? How is this person I’m sharing with related to the information of my story? What will they do with the information that I share? Is this a confidential relationship? Do they have a history of keeping it confidential? Do they have my best interest in mind?

You may find that thinking through the following parties may benefit the framing of your narrative.

a.     A key decision-maker such as a boss or supervisor

b.     An involved party who may or may not understand my side of the story

c. A future employer who may or may not know individuals in your story.

d.     An uninvolved, caring by-stander

e.     A secondary connection who knows the characters in my story but 1. Has historically had my best interest or 2. Has not historically had my best interest in mind.

It may be obvious, but the two that are hardest to communicate with are 1. An involved party who may or may not understand my side of the story & 2. A secondary connection who knows the characters in my story but has not historically had my best interest in mind.  

My scar stories took years of concerted prayer and trusted counsel to heal, I still remain responsible to attend to them by steering clear of certain conversations that lead me down the wrong path.  I have the agency to choose to recount either a story of growth or bitterness.  

Grand decisions in relational ministry require repetition amongst a wide-audience. Getting the language of my story clear is essential.

2.     HOW DO YOU TELL THE MESSAGE – How much information is necessary to tell? How do you want what you communicate to be remembered? With grace and dignity or anger and bitterness?

How you tell your story will likely be more remembered than the information you share.

When I first started leading Art of Transition groups, I piloted a group with 10 leaders in the same geographical location where I had experienced great pain and misunderstanding. It was a risky move for many reasons, but primarily because nearly everyone in the room knew some of the key people in my story. If I misspoke and shared even a small detail, many could make inference as to who I was referring to. However, at the end of the 6 weeks, a newcomer to the community graciously thanked me in front of everyone saying, “It’s clear that this material comes from a place of great pain. And I can imagine it would have been easy for you to divulge information about the parties involved in your pain. But thank you for demonstrating how to do that well! You did an amazing job at keeping that to yourself. I can imagine it was hard! But well done!”

With tears in my eyes, I experienced a deep understanding and empathy from someone who got it and got me! Without dishonoring others involved. That was the biggest compliment I received in this painful process. It wasn’t just hard, it often felt impossible. And truly it was a daily act of surrender to my side of the story and my desire for retribution. And admittedly I didn’t always do it well. Yet here I was teaching on reconciliation and perspective in transition amongst other topics. I was being forced to live out of my pain how I wanted to experience others, as well. God was clearly giving me the words to speak from a place of humility and healing.

3.     WHAT MESSAGE -  What non-verbals are being communicated in your face and body language? What message about the message do you want to convey about how you handled this situation?

While each scenario is unique and may require a different answer for different audiences, there may be similar verbiage to choose from. After gaining clarity from a trusted coach, I replaced stronger words such as silenced or sidelined with inability to thrive, grow, develop, or fit. Although it sounds strange, for months I would get a sharp, instant pain in my head right behind my eyes if I made any negative judgment in my story. It was likened to a shock collar on a dog. The immediate feedback of a physical manifestation in my body lead me to get straight both how and what I conveyed.  While both sets of words were accurate, one set was destructive and one more constructive. One set of words gave me instant negative feedback in the form of physical pain. A hidden gift and a learning the hard way.

As I spoke of my story and the explanation to the decisions that we made in the months and years that followed, I also chose to speak about larger contributing factors that unfolded with time. Leaving for reasons of interpersonal conflict was never my response to the “why did you move?” question. I spoke of things that people understood without doubt or question. Answers that were unquestioningly acceptable such as caring for aging parents, children needing different educational opportunities, and for new vocational challenges to grow and develop. All of these were true and a part of the larger picture. When I processed the entirety of my transition, despite a glaringly painful reason rising to the surface, interpersonal conflict, the other reasons surfaced as important and worth noting, as well.

While all of these reasons were true, I learned that few listeners could hold the weight attached to charged words without leaning in to either want to share their own stories or opinions, over-relating to their scar story, or holding a desire to probe further and hear the messy details of mine. When I slipped down these paths of destruction, the negativity spiraled and grew dark in my soul. I came to recognize that seldom were these probing questions altruistic in nature. I desired to live with the freedom that came from a constructive language not the pain of the destructive. I made note of how listeners experienced my story differently depending on my choice of language. I began to discern that maybe I was leading them down a path of bitterness or anger vs. hope and light in the way I responded.

While one set of words represented my own reconciling and hard work in the situation – Stemming from a desire to heal, learn and develop my character - The other set came from a place of pain and hurt and I came to recognize which set to choose.

How sharing went wrong

While listening to my body’s reaction and discerning the audience’s response, I quickly learned that when I decided to use certain words typically came from an unhealthy or self-righteous place. This decision took me into a place of pride - recapping a story full of proving I was right and “they” were very wrong. If I was honest, I shared those when my self-esteem was low or I needed affirmation that I wasn’t crazy. Or as mentioned previously, I wanted to over-relate my scar story to theirs. If the right question was asked, I gave into the slippery slope of gossip and in turn I would walk away from the conversation with a deep pain in my stomach or head and a need to repent!

Sharing the narrative in summary includes, 1.) Attentive Listening to my heart and attending to what motives I have in sharing and 2.) Recognizing some need more details than others, but I can choose my words carefully towards resourcefulness and not unhealth or harm 3.) Humility and grace. We all have hard stories. Some times we get it right and other times we don’t. More than once I had to back-pedal and ask forgiveness when I over-shared or shared in a destructive way. I also had to incorporate positive and kind self talk.

I continue to lean into Philippians 4:8 (NLT), “And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable and right and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise…then the God of peace will be with you.”

Regardless of the role conflict, confusion or lack of clarity plays in your transition story, the possibility for misunderstanding and more importantly, speaking evil, remains high.  Due diligence is required to remain authentic, yet careful to share with wisdom and honor. We need each other for models and we need the reminder from the Holy Spirit when we’re still on a growth-curve to learning how to share our narrative well. Keep up the good fight!

For Reflection:

How are you engaging with others around your narrative? How do you know when you do it well and constructive or poorly and destructive? Where did you learn how to tell a story? Do you ever ask for feedback on how others are receiving your narrative?

Important Decision Roll-out: Who Needs to Know What When

Before going through my own major life transition, I had never spent much time considering the value of intentional information roll-out in the life of a leader. For some reason it never occurred to me all of the people whose lives were effected by my decision - my family of course, but my team, my leaders, and the organization would all be impacted on a deep level if I decided to leave my role, my organization and the country I was serving in. I experienced the impact these decisions had as I watched other teammates leave. I felt it most when their decision came blind-sided and didn’t include me, but greatly affected me and my time. As a global worker, where work and personal lines frequently crossed, the feeling of abandonment existed as well.

Upon further examination, I came to realize that there are people in my life who I give a vote to a decision and there are people who have a voice and many who have neither. The trusted confidants, who are cheerleaders and supporters, whilst holding the tension might offer a voice, but only a few who are impacted or who I trust on a much deeper level will I actually let have a vote. Obviously too many voices makes getting to the vote hard.

I noticed as I watched many other highly mobile global workers there was a continuum of sharing. On one end - Tell everyone > voice and vote of many; On the other - Tell no one > voice and vote of no one.

While I assume I don’t always have a voice or vote in other’s decisions, I wanted to approach decision-making carefully. I wanted to extend love and consideration for the important people in my life and demonstrate the type of care I would want to those who had supported me and walked alongside of me.

When I saw others make what appeared to be quick BIG decisions without bringing others into it, I termed that evasive leadership. At times it was. However, in hindsight it may also have been selective sharing - with the right people at the right time, depending on the circumstances. What were the contributing factors? Reason for a change? Type of role shift? Crisis or no crisis? my history with their decisions?

Up until our most recent transition, our lives were wide open books and we felt the need for every friend, family member and donor who asked (and some that didn’t) to know the details of the decisions we made. As our reach expanded this communication was impossible and honestly exhausting.

In major life transition, information roll-out needs to be intentional and well thought through. There needs to be a sacred space for that decision-making to be done well and in confidence. That is the space we intend to provide in The Art of Transition workshops and life plans.

The Art of Transition Process:

The discernment process called The Art of Transition was created primarily for complex decision-making. The entire process from the first tool to the end within the 6 themes, is meant to guide individuals towards greater clarity with each tool building from one week to the next in a 360, non-linear approach. We look up, back, around, inside, down, and forward. Together we ask: “What is God saying? How does your past inform the future? How does the present inform the future? What are other trusted voices need to speak into this process? What have past roles told you about your enjoyment and fulfillment vocationally? And What does my body say about all of this?” In many ways this is an approach to holistic and intentional listening.

If an individual or couple are able to enter into a discernment process in a posture of surrendering the future and withholding making any decisions until the end, that ultimately serves one best. We know that waiting for long periods of time is not always possible and is one of the reasons why we try to keep our workshops to less than two months and individualized coaching to less than a year. 

Group Discernment takes 3 forms:

1. A specific method - In the Art of Transition process, the co-leaders of the group are naturally gifted, trained and experienced to listen to your life and the Creator of your life, while offering tools and holding up a mirror along the way. In the workshop, some examples include using body listening exercises, dreaming tools, and noticing patterns from a goldmine.

2. A group process - The Art of Transition process intentionally includes a safe community for the sake of resonance, accountability and discernment. When we hear a reflection of our stories in that of others, we gain clarity. How many times have I thought, wow that seems obvious while listening to someone else share and yet lack the insight to see it in my own life. Upon reflection, I notice I’m not applying that knowledge to my life either. The benefits of the community are multi-fold.

3. Trusted prayer partners - When we took part in our own transition discernment process, we asked specific, confidential and trusted partners to pray alongside of us. These people had the following characteristics: They loved us, they had walked with us for years, they had no agenda for our future, and they knew how to listen to the Lord. One of the transition tools we use includes utilizing those same people for their feedback in the process. When 8 people (4 for Jeff and 4 for me) all unanimously were in agreement of some big questions we were asking, we listened! We knew these people didn’t know or talk to each other, it had to be “double confirmation” from listening to God.

What about others who need to know?

We kept supervisors and others who needed answers, abreast of the general questions we were holding, asking them for permission for a set season and time to be what it needed to be with a clear answer given at a designated time when we could reasonably have answers. Our discernment came as a part of a sabbatical. We had scheduled a 2-day discernment process and asked for that space and time to be protected without others probing or offering unsolicited advice.

When people would ask questions, we had an answer (a different answer at different points and for different people). Most generally we would say, “We’re holding questions about fit in our role and the organization before the Lord in concerted prayer. Will you join us in this? We will keep you informed as we know more and as our future continues to become clearer to us. Will you let us know if you hear anything from the Lord, as well?”

When we felt clear about one answer - like a clear NO to living in Spain, we then had to ask other questions and wait for answers. While one door was open or closed, the other doors had not yet opened. We did not have the luxury of witholding sharing any longer.

Over the course of a year and a global pandemic, we slowly knocked on many doors - which country to live in? which state if the US? Which role would I have? Which role would Jeff have?

We offered up concerted prayer that only the right doors would open and that we would have unity and peace to walk through them. We did this with trusted mentors, prayer partners and a supportive community. We communicated along the way in a much slower process than we had done prior. We felt the desire to give answers that we didn’t have but in that position shared our questions with people more than answers. We extended grace to ourselves and asked the same of others.

For global workers, the answer to one question has a much greater reaching ripple effect than those who live in their home country. One answer about role fit may require an uprooting of one’s whole family after months and years of acculturation and language learning. These decisions are not to be taken lightly with an acknowledgement of layer of loss.

Giving the gift of discernment space is one thing that the local church, caring donors and friends can give to those in these difficult times of transition.

Give yourself a space to process, whether in the form of a sabbatical or an intentional Art of Transition workshop. Ask trusted friends for prayer. Form a discernment team. However you go about it - Don’t do it alone! This service of hiring someone to do a discernment life plan, remains the single best gift we have sought out for ourselves in the entirety of our vocational lifespan; A gift to ourselves, our children and our community.

For consideration:

In your opinion what keeps people from seeking out help in times of major life decision-making?

What would be the best aide for someone in a time of discernment?

The Universal Creative Process and The Creation Timeline of My Unnamed Baby

INput overload…where to start and stop in the writing process?

The Universal Creative Process and The Creation Timeline of My Unnamed Baby

“If I permit my body to move - even just the movement of my hand, fingers, and arm with pen and marker - then my bones and muscles are content. I can become calm and relaxed enough to find inner stillness and to pay attention. In general it's not the body that needs to be stilled; it's my mind.” (Sybil McBeth)

This was my experience this past weekend as I set aside 3 days and 3 nights and was gifted time in a beautiful mountain home to write. The setting could not have been more idyllic (okay maybe minus the 17 college-aged kids who crashed everywhere in the house where I was invited into! Not my call! Just a minor obstacle).  From the mostly serene setting I had access to hikes, a few open rooms, a desk, a comfortable writing chair, the fast internet and a coffee shop within walking distance. What more could I want from a creative space? The truth – a clear mind and a way to organize my million scattered thoughts that seemed as though they would never find a clear way forward. That’s what more I wanted. That and about another month to stay in the zone. I struggle to just be in process. Like a vacation, it takes days to get into it and right when you do, you need to pack up. I wanted to just dive into the space, overcome obstacles and of course create at an unrealistically rapid speed. Let’s just say none of that perfect picture was how it all went down!  

Isn’t it true that you see great creative work and have no comprehension of all that it took to get there. Austin Kleon, in Steal Like an Artist, says “Really good work appears effortless! People won't see the years of work and toil you put into it” End products seem as though they magically appeared overnight but in reality it is years in the making that caused them to blossom into something beautiful.

I was reminded of this as I entered into this sacred creative process this weekend. It can take years of blood, sweat and tears to see a really good product, process or art come to fruition. 

 “Really good work appears effortless! People won't see the years of work and toil you put into it”

The language of the universal process to all things created brings comfort and validity to my inner discontent of wanting a creative product. My rational inner voice reminds me, “Sara, it’s a process, not a product.” I need the reminders for patience and a realistic horizon.

With that said, let me share the universal creative process and the intersecting points of my creation with the hope that this might bring you some point of reference for your own creative baby that you need to bring to life.

4 Stages of the Creative Process:

Start with - what is the question you are answering or problem you are trying to solve. (Examples: designing a logo, writing a story, writing a sermon, creating a website, creating an e-course.)

1. Preparation
   Research: Collect information or data.

   Questions to ask: Who am I designing this for (who is my target audience)? Who would benefit most? What do I uniquely have to offer here? What voice is still missing on this topic or in this field?

2. Incubation
   Percolation: Milling over collected information.

   Questions to ask: What is necessary to include or exclude? Do I have enough information or too much? What else do I need to learn more about right now? Where am I stuck? Who can help me with this?

3. Illumination
   Light Bulb Idea: Aha moment.

   Questions to ask: How am I answering the question or problem uniquely? How am I going to present/display/share this information? Who can help me with this?

4. Implementation
   Actual Making, creating: Verification.

   Questions to ask: Who can help me implement this? What am I still missing? Where can I see this product come to life? What else would I like to do with it?

I’m always curious about the timeline of beautiful creation and know there is a behind-the-scene story from inspiration to implementation. I want to know, How long was it in the making to choreograph that routine or illuminate the painting or pen that e-course? What did the maker space look like on a practical level? To gain a better understanding and appreciation of my own maker story, (and because I’m relieving my brain from sorting research quotes - aka desiring some movement from incubation to implementation), I decided to sketch a rough outline of the creative process of this book I’m writing on creativity and transition (still to be named). There are several creative processes that intermingle – The Art of Transition workbook, The Way Between as a developed organization, and the now Unnamed book that gives the backstory. For the sake of this conversation, I’m just focusing on the timeline of the book to date, starting with the inspiration of the workbook. Because truly a book was never a part of any plan and is still somewhat of a daunting element to me!  

Preparation: for the workbook, book 

2016-2017 – living out the message in deeply painful and dark ways. Negative preparation for what was to come; priming the pump knowing that there was something deeper to the approach of transition and calling which we had used for over 10 years. (In reality you could consider the 10 years leading up to this point as part of the preparation phase).

Incubation: for the workbook and book

Sept – Dec. 2017 – A four-month sabbatical (still in my cross-cultural context and with my family while Jeff worked full time) Sabbatical looked like a working sabbatical for me: 9am-2pm, 5 days a week plus two short trips away. In that time I met God on my yoga mat, hiked and researched varied areas of interest. I had the luxury of flexibility to say no to meetings and community gatherings. I spent time with friends who were life-giving and supportive. I took 2 different short classes that contributed to the work - one of which I dropped out of because it became too much to unpack at this particular season. I met with a therapist and a coach that kept me living the message and engaging with my head and my heart.

Illumination: for the workbook & book

Nov 2017 – I had enough supportive research to start creating the first draft process. I needed to get the material as it was to date, out of my head and into the world. I took 6 days and went to Mallorca, Spain on a creation retreat* with a friend. (While this sounds extravagant, I was elated to find tickets from Malaga, Spain where I was living at the time, that were $25 each way. I asked a friend who would join me in the space and split the cost of a place for less than $100 each.)

Nov – Dec 2017 – I came home from the retreat and refined the learnings and articulated the process to an “excellent enough” place to offer it to 10 people come the new year. 

Implementation for the workbook and Incubation for the book

Jan – Feb 2018 – I hesitantly released the material to an in-person target audience cohort (the who) over the course of 6 weeks; wrote supporting articles (content creation), weekly for two months to explain the workshop & process & give validity using the research I had collected. I quickly realized that while I created the process (the what), I still did not give voice to the explanation behind the process (the why).

May 2018 – I co-led a group of 8 women in transition on a spiritual pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago for a week and tried the matieral in a very loosely resembling form.

2018-2021 – Over the course of several years, I have tried the material out in at least 8 different formats; receiving ongoing feedback and tweaking it towards best practice all along the way. Painful no-shows and empty workshop spaces were all a part of this process. I quickly learned to acquire thick skin. As well I became painfully aware of my limitations and areas of lacking - I’m not good at marketing or social media relations! I had to and still have to include a number of people in this with me. This is my social support structure.

2017-2020 – After every course, I edited the workbook in several different drafts (really for all 8 different formats listed above I was modifying the content each time.) In Dec 2020 I finally put a pause on the editing with a graphic designer and patient friend and made the workbook an official publication. (Thank you Springtime Books).

2017-2020 – Gave what I was doing an official name - The Way Between and thewaybetween.org and starting blogging ideas around this material monthly. A big hairy audacious goal! Requiring daily steps of courage!

2020-2021 – Transitioned our family during a pandemic to the US to once again live out the message of the material. The book continues to gnaw at me as I lack the full courage (and time) to find my writing voice the material requires.  

Illumination period for the book (and back to Implementation)

TODAY Aug 2021 – Writing retreat*…I have spent 3 days consolidating and sorting 75 references from 6 years + of compiled material and lived experiences. I’m nowhere near complete - back to Implementation!

Honestly, I don’t feel totally content with where I am leaving things after 3 days on this retreat. But I know this…I showed up and I dove in! I have to be my own cheerleader like I would for others. I must tell myself that I’m proud of me for carving out the space, for diving in, to continue to try to find my writing voice, and share the material that feels so relevant to a world in transition.

As well, I must say, I did really well with historically workaholic boundaries – This retreat was intentionally 2 parts work 1 part rest. And I’m physically more well-rested at the end of the time than I ever have been. I will continue living out the material and the creative process that I feel so passionate about. From here, I rest assured knowing I will put another multi-day writing space on the calendar in 2021. I am one step at a time making space to continue bringing this little baby to life. In the meantime I will embrace the birthing pains. 

*What does a writing retreat look like for me? I don’t know what others do, but for those interested I’ll write the loose structure I followed below. Generally, I work in chunks with breaks and lots of incorporated movement.

*My Writing Retreat Rough Schedule

7-8am Quiet Time & get the day started Breakfast

8-9 Yoga/light stretching

9-12 Writing, consolidating ideas, opening too many new word documents!

12-1pm Stop for lunch & a conversation if I’m not too deep in

1-3 Back to writing

3-4 Take a nap, walk or a hike to a coffee shop

4-6 Write again & conclude for the day

6-7 Walk home from a coffee shop

7-8 Dinner (share learnings if with others in a creative process)

8- Play and relax for the evening 

In hindsight, I wished I would have wrote more with a pen and paper and did more drawing exercises to stimulate my brain more (like those I list in The Art of Transition Workbook). I would have spent less time on the computer editing and organizing, but it felt like that is where my brain needed to be to once again comprehend the material I was gathering.  

While the schedule above may appear as though I’m writing for a total of 7 hours a day, the truth is that the writing process includes the preparation in research, refinement, and illumination periods. The break times and movement are a vital part of the overall illumination process. They are the daily incubation that truly fuels the work.  Like many other artists I am researching have noted, “When I dance or walk or draw, my mind has half a chance at stillness.” It’s from the place of movement in my body and stillness in my mind that my greatest creative ideas come to life. 

“Great creative work doesn’t happen overnight. It took God 7 days and He’s God!”

For Deeper Thought:

Question: What creation lives inside of you that is waiting for courage or time to be birthed? What is one practical step you can take today to begin moving it outside of you and into the world?

How to Start Your New Thing (on a dime): 10 Practical Tips for Creating New

It is really really hard (read NOT IMPOSSIBLE) to be all the people that your NEW non-profit or business needs to get started. When I list out all the roles that I wear as the director of a young non-profit, I quickly feel like I need a long nap! From website designer to fundraiser to content developer, my do-list feels like it is never finished. I can spiral into a woe is me feeling of isolation. And yet when I have accurate perspective, I feel the wind at my sails, the powerful support team behind me and like anything is possible.

Rather than curl up in a ball and hide under the covers, I still have to daily choose to face what can feel like a monstrous to-do list - one small detail at a time. I think of the wise people in my life who remind me, just take the next BEST step. For me the next best step looks different EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!

As I looked over my calendar of varied events, I realized I would have benefited from a blog article like this one that gave me a few pointers to getting started and keeping going! So since I’m a few years into this, but not so far ahead to forget the feelings of what it is like to start something (on a dime), I thought I’d write out some of the many practical tips that have kept the momentum going and kept me from hiding under a pile of sheets!

1. Just get started! Newton’s laws of motion states that “An object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion at constant velocity, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Inertia is the tendency of an object to resist changes in its velocity: whether in motion or motionless.” This concept of inertia never applied better than to getting started with that small hunch to create something new. Once you get the ball moving, it was tremendously easier to keep it in motion. For me this motion included starting by telling a few trusted people about my idea. Next came choosing a name. From there I created a gmail account with the name of the service and from there a public facebook page and later a closed facebook group. All of these cost me nothing and were totally FREE. Whilst getting me moving in the direction of sharing this idea publicly and making it a reality. Each of these steps were big decisions at the time. But they allowed me the chance to experiment and see what landed.

2. Ask for help wherever you can get it. People have resources and some have time! But most people don’t have both. Ask for help and be willing to barter your unique services and skill set. This is a great way to maximize how others can help you while utilizing what you have to give. There is a reason that the concentric relational circles (see relationship saturation) of the public sphere exist. They exist for times like this when you need a good recommendation, a photographer, an app developer, or someone to watch your children. I’m not talking about using people. I’m talking about utilizing what others know and can give that I DO NOT know or have to give. Everyone you meet knows more about something than you do. Be curious and open to who can join you in your vision. And be willing to give something back in return.

3. Offer to be a case study. I was reminded that people love to give advice and there were experts all around me. The year I began this endeavor there happened to be an undergraduate marketing class that wanted a case study coming to our town. They desperately needed small start-ups (aka - a project) like mine to dissect. I welcomed the chance to get out of my head and invite a class full of ambitious and up-to-date marketers to blow holes in my seemingly great ideas and communication strategies. While not everything they shared stuck, the half-day experience kept the ball rolling for me and got me talking about what I do to complete strangers. I really had nothing to lose but my pride!

4. Decide where your limits are between time and money. There is always something that needs doing. And yet I’m a firm believer in sabbath rest as a resource and discipline. From the onset I had some time, but little money; but truly not an abundant amount of either. If there is one thing I learned, don’t stop one paid thing before another thing gets going. Start the side hustle or non-profit prior to giving up on what you have been doing. Most start-ups take years to stabilize. And while it may seem like they happened overnight for everyone else, the book writer or the director you’re comparing yourself to likely had the vision for years before it was realized. Holding onto the stability (or impetus for change), will help motivate you and give you leverage to make the next steps in the right time.

5. Get a coach. The investment of a coach is invaluable to the process of creating something new! They will act as a sounding board, a wise and trusted advisor. They will provide feedback and an opportunity to “try things on” And finally they will help you stay the course and be the accountability that you need to get the job done. This is one of THE top investments to seeing your dreams realized.

6. Find your “Excellent enough”. This was the second most frequented statement I heard from my coach, that was truly gold! Just launching my website or running a 1.0 version of a workshop or a sample of a workbook, continually invited me to make it as best as I could in any given moment. It was never and still is not the level of perfection I would desire, but if I had waited for this level, I would never launch.

7. Set shipping dates for what you are creating. These shipping date “deadlines”, although arbitrary feeling, were the necessary push for me to step out from the million ideas in my head and make them a reality. These shipping dates also helped push me to make the abstract concrete. Challenging though every single one of them have been, I could not have and would not have seen a course, or a book created and launched if it wasn’t for my coach.

“Unless coached, people never reach their maximum capabilities” - Bob Nardelli, CEO, The Home Depot

8.     Create a visual story. I really struggled to come out from my little creation closet. We bartered for the service of a professional storyteller to help get my little contribution-to-the-world story out. This was such an empowering experience not to mention a great way to share it with so many others. Bottom line – get comfortable with videos and sharing why you’re doing what you’re doing. It’s the single best way to share with the masses. 

9.     When you need technical help start by looking it up on youtube or google it. I’m amazed at the millions of little videos that people create for people like me. So many helpful instructional videos exist for FREE!

10.  Utilize free summits. I can’t tell you how motivating and inspirational these free workshops and knowledge-power houses are! I learned a ton and applied a little at a time. From those professionals, I gathered emails and signed up for marketing experts advice that weekly come into my inbox.

11. Read about the areas that you know nothing about. I have tried to continue to learn every chance I get. Be avid about positioning yourself in front of literary mentors and experts where you lack knowledge.  

12. Ask for help…Did I already mention that? Do it over and over again. Think, who do I know that can help me with this? And if you don’t know someone pray for someone. And if the person doesn’t come, consider outsourcing like I did using 99designs or fivver for a professional logo. Some things can be done free and many others are worth paying for.

I’m so far from arriving. And yet, I share all of this to say that if you have a unique niche or passion on your heart, know that it is possible to achieve it! Any entrepreneur or visionary that you talk to will tell you it takes time, patience and an army. Reach out for help and humbly take it to accomplish all that you were created to accomplish!  

Questions for consideration: What is your next best step? Who is helping you along in the journey?

Beware: The Library & Re-entry Shock

Throughout the duration of the 8 years that we lived as a family on the field, we repeatedly attempted to figure out how the book world worked. Every time we thought we had a grasp on it, we quickly realized we didn’t. Now several months in to our repatriating process, we finally have enough capacity to tackle this great resource. Or maybe not!

As we entered the foreign living and language life, it took us several years to discover a good library with books that held my children’s attention in their new foreign language. As years passed and our language grew, the options opened up. As well, did our ability to learn where we could find English books. (Reading in our mother tongue was always more enjoyable to absorb and listen to when read out loud). We celebrated the small accomplishments of finding resources, and yet still longed for the ease of a full buffet of English learning that we knew the American library system provided.  

And here I was in my home country again and none of it felt right. The truth: The library was one of the most lamented parts of raising my children abroad. In the two years that passed in waiting to move overseas, we utilized all of the free special events offered via the library - movies on the lawn, DVD rentals and a vast array of other cultural options FREE just for the knowing. I have fond memories of a weekly bonding experience with my then 2 year-old son – bike ride in the frog seat + story time! The idea that there are such a vast amount of resources and the ability to learn so many amazing things at anyone’s disposal, amazed me. I felt like a kid in a candy store! And yet I didn’t realize how much I loved and missed it until we would visit on home assignment. With great intentionality, I would make it a priority to check out the local library even if I squeezed it in between meeting people or being with family or having to borrow a local friend’s library card. Surprisingly, It became a top priority!

During my early days of re-entry, when I finally stepped foot inside one of the MANY local libraries, I was quickly faced head on with the fact that I felt like a foreigner in my own land. I felt the overwhelm at the literally hundreds and thousands of titles of books for my or my child’s liking. I had a fleeting thought wondering, “were all of these books written in the decade since I was gone? Where does one start?” Crazy though it may sound, It was a deep and profound feeling of homelessness. A feeling that I didn’t really know or understand how things worked anymore. The fear crept in that I may not ever get past this feeling of weird.

The book, The Art of Coming Home explains this out of place phenomena by saying. “You can accept that you are not going to fit in abroad in what is after all a foreign country, but the idea that you don’t fit in back home, where you are in all likelihood going to spend much, if not the rest, of your life, is deeply disturbing.” It’s the little things like entering a beloved place such as the library that trigger those feelings of lack of understanding and belonging. It’s the reminder that you don’t know how to get things done here, either that is a frequent and painful feeling of strangeness for a duration of up to several years! And a longing for a place that is home.

 “You can accept that you are not going to fit in abroad in what is after all a foreign country, but the idea that you don’t fit in back home, where you are in all likelihood going to spend much, if not the rest, of your life, is deeply disturbing.”

Like stepping foot in an average grocery store in my re-entry, I found my heart started racing in the library and my mind quickly became overwhelmed with how to navigate it all. I was in sensory overload similar to that of a new foreign country! I knew to seek out a librarian but I didn’t know what questions to ask - Simply put, what happened to the card catalogs? Where do I even begin?

Audiobooks, DVD’s, read-along books, packaged theme books…the offerings seemed unending and that was only what was in the brick and mortar library building. Here I was, nearly breaking out in a sweat at both excitement and overwhelm, recognizing the symptoms as classic re-entry shock. And yet I’m bound and determined that there are resources I knew not of that I would be glad to know if only I could persist and like too much of any good thing - pace myself.

I’m aware that I may have subconsciously waited 12 weeks to tackle this beast for this very reason.  I accessed the same tools I did in crossing culture in the other direction, I used the limited language I had and asked a librarian for a tour of this new land! “What is a digital download? Explain what the difference is in all of these options?” Met with a smile and a look of surprise, the librarian obliged. I however, quickly changed my mind and decided I would wait for my kids to join and use it as a family learning experience. I wasn’t ready for my brain to take in all that would be shared. This feeling of information overload and possibility would have to wait.

And while I wanted to eat large offerings from this buffet in short periods of time, I have to recognize my operating at 60% capacity in transition brain that says, “Slow down. Take your time. It will all still be here a year from now!” Take, eat, enjoy, and share!

Let me share a few of my learnings here in case you’re like me and not quite ready for the stimulation overload.

1. Getting a library card was tremendously easier than it ever has been in the past. No proof of home address was needed this time. I wish I had been more diligent about pursuing this during furloughs.

2. I will likely never need to buy another book again in my life! My request-to-order books were met with a desire to be bought into the system for all to enjoy.

3. I can check out up to 99!, yes, 99! books per library card. I’m not sure who decided that number but apparently it’s the rule as well, it is up to me as a parent to decide what I want to be responsible for! I’m limiting my children to 5.

4. Summer reading programs give amazing gifts! Like a full family meal out and a free book for each person who participates or a local park pass!

5. When I search for a book in the actual library there is a high probability that it will be found on one of several online library systems that are also available to me. This is the part where I always get stuck! This is my learning curve. I am learning to accept these curves as opportunities.

6. These online systems can be used on any smart device. Hoopla and Libby are examples and are apps that are shared by the library systems. They each have their own rules and regulations as well as limitations of what they carry.

7. The library has so many local free options like a culture pass. We can use our zoo, botanic gardens, science museum, dinosaur museum, get a state parks pass and much more FOR FREE! Just by having a local library card!

8. There are classes and services such as branding and grant-writing that are accessible through the library.

9. There are (or at least were before Covid) teen mentors who can sit and read with your learning to read in English child!

 While living abroad, I knew I missed the plethora of English options available in the halls of the local American library systems. However I had no idea to what extent these services ranged. Coming back to the US, I was both amazed and often overwhelmed by the abundance available, just for the knowing. The library was and is one such system of surprise! And although I’m still on a steep learning curve, far from mastering this system/treasure/trigger, I’m one step closer to understanding the great, big, wonderful, wide world known as the US library and my lack of language and capacity in re-entry. I simultaneously accept the limitations and am excited about the unlimited possibilities.  

Thoughts to consider:

Where did you or are you experiencing re-entry shock, most? What did you immediately do about it?

What to do in the Waiting: The Questions of Complex Transitions - Part 2

Excerpt from What to do in the Waiting Part 1 “The period of waiting in transition has been such a long long season for me. I often felt like I did as a child in the endless snowy climate of Minnesota – will summer ever come? And like a bear moving out of hibernation, I’m ecstatic to see that spring is here for me and summer on the horizon! For those in the waiting of in between: Though your winter may be long, I believe your season of summer will soon come.

In addition to praise, play and explore here is the continuation of thoughts regarding what to do in waiting: The questions of complex transitions…

4. Embody my Transition - I am on a long journey to remind my mind to let my body express itself as guide and teacher. My call to action in my recent transition was to take my body on a daily walk or meet it on the mat in simple stretching exercises. I was to attend to what my body wanted to tell me - what it had been carrying all along. I would listen to its aches, moans and subtle plea to at minimum, MOVE! I became aware that everyday I am invited to participate in life in an embodied way - through my flesh and bones.

As I continued the practice of attending to the present and listening to my body’s needs, an increasing learning arose. The awareness of long-standing disembodiment or disconnectedness to my body over the course of my lifetime. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office once as a young person. I was asked by the attending doctor if the pain I was experiencing was sharp or dull. I sat dumbfounded. I had literally no idea what he was talking about. I said, “What’s the difference?” How do you explain and describe what feelings are like? When asked by my first counselor what feelings I was experiencing, I once again had no words. I was not aware of the lack of education I had received around what words went with feelings. I had no language to express the state my body was in. And yet now, many years and much education later, I’m aware I’m not that unusual.

This recent transition was different. I knew differently. I felt the whole thing different. It was intense and heavy and my body often just wanted to run. I became aware of the need to “read” “listen” and “study” what my body was trying to communicate and what I needed to do about it. A counselor friend described it this way, when we live under stress our cortisol levels are excreting much more than is sustainable to live with. That’s the loose definition of “burn out”. We literally have no hormones left when we’ve been living in a heightened state of stress. .

My body was trying to teach me, often in contradiction with my logical brain what to do or not to do. It was like listening to instructions given in an unknown foreign language. Many have said, the body instinctively knows how to move, stop for rest and breathe deeply. We stop at the end of a run or eat when we’re hungry or go to the bathroom when we need to. Yet many of us don’t speak the language of our body and DO NOT do these very basic bodily functions - breathing, eating, and resting. Especially in times of intense stress, a period of long grieving or after a trauma we must retrain our minds to listen to what are body is trying to say.

In transition, your body can be a master teacher providing great wisdom into your future direction. For years, but especially in times of stress, my body, when I listened spoke loudly through stomach pains and shoulder aches. It was crying for something to change! I just hadn’t been listening. I now credit my last transition with final decisions based on the way my body communicated to me about what I absolutely must or must not do. This became a profound way of listening and engaging in decision-making in a new way for me. How are you listening to what your body is trying to tell you in transition?

5.    Be the hope you need. Volunteer – in your greatest times of need, and especially in transition, look to give, not receive. When I think about the periods of major life transition over the course of my life, I’m grateful that several times I have had the privilege of a “holy nudge” to step outside of my own problems and serve others. I learned this hard lesson first the fall after my freshman year of college.

In April, as school was coming to a close, I received notice from the financial aide department at the end of my freshman year that funds were not accessible to me to support myself for 3 more years. I had a decision to make about how to raise or earn the amount I lacked. I decided I needed to work hard during the summer to manage the gap. Despite my best efforts and prayers, the funds were insufficient. That fall, as others returned to their dorms, I packed my belongings, said goodbye to the university and to the location in a short time I had grown to love.

As devastated as I was, I knew at the young age of 19, that I didn’t want my life to waste away. In addition to getting a full time job, I chose to explore two forms of volunteering. One of them was in the local children’s hospital in the play therapy ward. I was curious more than anything. What did that type of work look like? Would I want to do more of it in the future?

I quickly got to know many children who were hooked up to IV’s 24-hours a day. They needed frequent monitoring and multiple surgeries for complex illnesses I will never understand. My only job was to provide some form of joy and outlet for them to be children and not only “sick people”. As I carved out two hours a week for a year, I watched as some children improved and others did not. One day I arrived to work to discover, much to my surprise, my favorite child was no longer with us. The terminal diagnosis of children’s cancer took his young precious life.

I became aware in moments of volunteering like these of the fragility of life. That most of us have choices of what to do with unfortunate life circumstances. For many our pain is temporary. In my case these little children were hurting in profoundly more significant ways that I was in my transition away from college. I knew I needed to surround myself with them even for a couple of hours every week to remember that. I could offer them something I had that they did not - the ability to play; the ability to have hope. Every time I left I was more grateful for the life I had, despite it being so different and even disappointing. I, fortunately had the power to choose how I would build the narrative of my future. These children did not. My lacking became much less about a boulder of a problem on my path and more about seeing them as stones to use to build something meaningful from. What I gained from the experience of volunteering was profound gratitude and perspective of the bounty of what I did have!

In my recent season of transition I volunteered in the small ways that I could manage. I was once again afforded the gift of time, the resource everyone else wanted. I intentionally tried to move toward someone with needs on a weekly basis - whether that was through childcare, organizing, volunteering at a local charity, picking someone up from the airport or inviting someone for dinner. I didn’t have my natural energy and I REALLY didn’t feel like I had much to give, but I knew I had something small and I was always blessed in return.

I have the choice to dwell on my circumstances or to focus on making the most of what I have been given. Many times it is a subtle shift that changes me - when I extend myself to others I focus on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

Nevada Museum of Art

6. Keep showing up. As simple as this might sound, being present was the most profound and difficult thing I felt God nudging me towards.

When people felt uncertain and maybe even unsafe, the reminder was to show up. In showing up, I had to face people I really had no love in my heart for. Then I had to face my heart. I was invited to show up to understand my part. Show up to learn what to do next. Show up to be a part of the conversation. Show up to see where I was no longer a part of the conversation.

Likewise, I felt challenged to talk with others about all the ambiguities: “What’s next?” “What are you doing with your time?”. “Showing up” was my daily act of obedience.

In showing up, several things happened. I gained greater perspective outside of the one-sided stories I would tell myself and the small world I was creating. I once again received blessings. I met new people and gained new understanding of the way forward.

I was repeatedly faced with the graciousness of God’s timing and the lack of my knowledge about the bigger picture.

When we are faced with long periods of waiting we have the gift of deciding how we are going to posture ourselves. We have the choice to learn the lessons that only can be learned in transition. May we be bold in each of these difficult places to hear what we are to glean from this unique winter season.

Giving Beyond our Capacity to Care

On a recent call with a burned-out worker, I listened as she lamented. “I don’t want to meet any new people. I don’t want to ask anyone questions. I don’t want to care about anyone else’s story. I no longer have the capacity to care.” Her wiring and temperament is completely the opposite of what I was hearing. It was the primary reason we met. She truly was not herself. She always cares. When no one else is, she is always prepared to be the first to sign up for the compassion response team. Until now. She’s gone too long in this one-sided role. As a result in this season of personal family demands, and lack of self-care she has nothing left to give to anyone.  My heart breaks for her in this unique and confusing place of transition and what I would call a lifetime of giving out: compassion fatigue. 

Compassion fatigue: fatigue, emotional distress, or apathy resulting from the constant demands of caring for others.*  

Fatigue: temporary diminution of the irritability or functioning of organs, tissues, or cells after excessive exertion or stimulation.

So many of us get into this line of global work because we care about the problems of the world. We love people - they are our greatest resource. And yet we are often guilty of giving beyond where we can truly and authentically give to the emotional needs all around us. In these places we often hold secret bitterness and anger towards those we originally intended to help. Seldom do we talk about it, until we’re at a breaking point of burnout.  

Why do we hold this alone?

Burnout is the “cost of caring” that we in the care fields experience regularly. We believe that if we give, we will be blessed. While that may be partially true, we can’t keep on giving without being replenished ourselves. We are all given a limited amount of resources – time, money, and the emotional capacity to care. I’ve seen the side effects firsthand: Mostly one-way high-output of care; caring for others before family needs; caring for others before my own needs for too long and then snap…the pendulum swings to not caring at all! We continue to carry this burden alone because the idea of caring too much is foreign to many. There remains great shame and embarrassment around the idea of compassion fatigue. “How can I no longer care? What’s wrong with me?” Exposure to the persistent needs of the world without rest, and reciprocal life-giving relationships, can create a sense of hopelessness and a numbness to the needs of others.

“People who experience compassion fatigue can exhibit several symptoms including hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, sleeplessness or nightmares, and a pervasive negative attitude. This can have detrimental effects on individuals, both professionally and personally, including a decrease in productivity, the inability to focus, and the development of new feelings of incompetency and self-doubt.**

After my first round of burnout many years ago, I found myself in the hands of a very competent therapist. Reluctant, but desperate, I knew I needed something to shift. This first experience working with a counselor challenged me to consider my own philosophy on self-care. She used the reference of the Greatest Commandment from the Mark 12:30-31, asking what I believed the verses meant: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself” (paraphrased). I said, it’s all about loving God and loving others and giving of yourself sacrificially. To which she challenged, “Yes, and, I hear it as an implied verse about how we should already be caring for ourselves in order to care for others.” Welcome to my paradigm shift about selfcare. She was painfully right. I had thought little about how other-care stemmed from a place of caring first for myself.  My roommate in the season prior had made note that most any conversation she hear me in, was heavily leaning one-way. It typically consisted of me asking the questions without reciprocated questions returning towards me. She was right. I had lived a lot of my life up until that point closed off from sharing with others and seldom speaking up for my needs.

How do we gauge our limited capacity?  

So many of us as workers and caregivers live a life of self-denial at our and other’s expense. We know how to love. We know how to give every penny, every piece of food in the fridge, open our homes, our schedules and our lives to those in need. And yet, we often DO NOT know how not to! We don’t know how to limit our output of who we care for physically and emotionally and gauge when our compassion meter is empty.  

We think that we have an unlimited ability to give and that somehow our “deficit” has no consequences and will miraculously work itself out for our good.  

This idea of a gauging a compassion meter may feel arbitrary. Yet, there exist other concrete examples of resources in limited supply to glean from. Take finances for example. Numbers don’t lie! In order to have basic financial maturity we must know how much is coming in and how much is going out. Bottom line: The amount going out should not exceed the amount coming in. If we can’t live within those parameters than change needs to happen. Without awareness we can quickly get into trouble. Therefore intentional planning, budgeting and tracking is necessary. Otherwise we may be unconsciously telling ourself that somehow it will all miraculously work out. And yet “this will all miraculously work out” mentality is how many of us compassionate caregivers approach our caregiving capacity…We think that we have an unlimited ability to give and that somehow our “deficit” has no consequences and will miraculously work itself out for our good.  

Applying financial principles to caregiving

1. We must first have awareness of the input and output - In this case, how much care is coming towards us and how much is going out? If, like stewarding finances well we must know our bottom line budget, do we similarly have an informed emotional budget that we are working with? How does one gauge that?

Here’s one idea: Create 3 buckets, 1 labeled “Input relationships” -Those who care for me; people that invest in us without getting anything back. 2. “Reciprocal relationships” - those relationships where sharing is generally equal and mutually beneficial. 3. Output relationships -We will all have people in our lives that are more draining and relationships that are more one-sided. This is certain. Who are these people?

The purpose of this exercise is to place the names of people in your life in each of these buckets. The goal is to make sure there are several names in each category. They likely won’t have the same number in each of them, but there should be at least some names in all of them.  

2. If the amount going out exceeds the amount coming in, there must be change.

If all the names are in the output bucket, a shift is needed. It’s okay for us as caregivers to not move all of the names into one category such as the reciprocal or output buckets. Often the area in most deficit for caregivers are relationships in the input category.

3. Intentionally prepare and track

There comes the need to engage with others who can help us best see how we are doing in our care for others. As a transition and sabbatical coach this is a role I often play with clients. When the lights on the dash are coming on regularly to warn of need for care, make space to re-evaluate what needs fine-tuning! Are there people in your life who can help gauge when you’re doing too much? The ones who can be a mirror for you to help you see clearly when your giving is imbalanced?

I, personally needed to learn to ask people to help me with this. I also needed to not always ask questions when my listening became disingenuous, I knew I needed help. I also learned when sharing authentically without being asked modeled vulnerability for others and allowed me to be known.

If this is an area of challenge for you, as a fellow caregiver, guilty of not taking care of myself, I implore you to attend to this. If we continually go on giving our hearts with great compassion beyond the capacity we as a human have to give, we will indeed reach a breaking point. I’ve seen it and lived it. With an abundance of needs and needy people all around us, and as caregivers naturally inclined to want to fill those needs, we must maintain equivocal life-giving relationships, and maintain a posture of allowing others to solely pour into us. Together, let’s fight compassion fatigue with healthy self-awareness and intentionally implemented self-care to better serve those we are sent to reach.

Where and with whom are you talking about your limitations regarding care? How would being informed of your compassion capacity change the way you serve? Would there be any change to your weekly schedule?

See the newly created Sabbatical Planning Guide

*dictionary.com

**wikipedia.com

experiencing the freedom and refreshment of those life-giving spaces

When Change is Inevitable: Stepping into the Unknown for Survival Sake

In my own recent transition, I experienced a tremendous weight of confusion accompanied by paralyzing feelings of stuckness. I knew the place and position I was in needed to change for my own emotional well-being and growth. I was not thriving or utilizing my gifts to the fullest in my current role. When I was able to break out of my limited landscape and gain a bird’s eye view through the help of outsiders, I could see clearly I was developmentally in a growth lock-down! I began to see how restless and stuck I had felt for years. Was I really wiling to admit this? If I stayed where I was, I most certainly would feel the ongoing discontent and likely would stunt any potential growth. If I took a courageous step of faith to explore the unknown, the possibilities were unlimited, risky and uncertain. Change seemed inevitable. Scary. And hard. Yet I was the only one who had the power to shape the trajectory of my future. 

It has been said, that a person, similar to a company or an organization, needs to shift focus periodically in order to achieve healthy growth for the long haul. When organizations reach a certain size, they must rethink their strategy for overall effectiveness. When the strategy changes a different skillset in a leader may be required in order to guide the company where it needs to go. This is basic organizational growth knowledge. Yet when it comes to the change that individuals must make, the way forward feels shaky. The recognition of change and the aftermath to come that will most likely affect a greater community outside of ourselves often causes great caution and avoidance. 

Change and growth is a natural part of all of creation. I find it fascinating to consider that all living things have an innate measure of adaptation. Without this ability to adapt no species would survive! Yet we are hard-wired to fight it as we find great comfort in the familiar. Here we feel a sense of protection. Moving from the known to the unknown is what our animal instinct fears most. 

Moving from the known to the unknown is what our animal instinct fears most. 

While I’m drawn into nature and perplexed by the mystery of natural instinct of all living things, no one has ever described me as animal lover. (I say I have my favorites - but too many scar stories to love them all!) Oblige my tangent to offer as an example. During graduate school, I applied to work at the catering department at a zoo. During our first day of orientation a group of about 30 of us all sat around a circle to discuss next steps. I was aware all of us mostly in late 20’s and 30’s were just needing a paycheck. The majority of the work would be service-oriented in the gift shops, restaurants or small vending carts. In reality we all just needed money but the common denominator was really the love of animals - all except maybe me! I quickly learned many had hopes that this would be their big chance to get their foot in the door of animal care. As an ice-breaker we started with going around and answering: “What is your favorite animal at the zoo?” The answers and the speed of which they responded fascinated me. Animals I had never even heard of were mentioned. These were clearly people who loved animals more than me. When it came to my turn, I blurted out, “My favorite animals are people!” Everyone laughed. I was in a league all my own. And yes it was humorous, but truly I couldn’t think of a single animal I was excited to work with more than the humans I would interact with in large catering events! I still got the job - but was probably watched a little more closely as "the animal hater” in the group.

So why am I talking about animals as we discuss change? I find it fascinating to consider the entire animal kingdom’s response to change being more functional as a means to thriving. And quite honestly my love for all God’s creatures grows even just a little greater when I go down this road!

All animals we see have natural habitat needs. “If an animal’s enclosure is too sunny or too wet or too empty, if its perch is too high or too exposed, if the ground is too sandy, if there are too few branches to make a nest, if there is not enough mud to wallow in – then the animal will not be at peace.” In this lack of peace adaptation and the need to make a change is the hardwiring that allows for survival amongst animals. Peace and safety are the ultimate goals and are sought after with primal instinct. Peace is sought after even if it requires extreme risk and change.

As seen in animals that are forced out of their familiar habitat into a new one in the wild, escaping or migrating animals usually hide in the very first place they find that gives them a sense of security. These are considered our basic mammalian needs. Different for humans than for animals, we are given the unique opportunity to self-actualize and consider, to think about and live out our purpose here on earth. We are given a choice to decide our future.

In this lack of peace adaptation is the hardwiring that allows for survival amongst animals.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

The comparison of an adaptable animal to that of a human provides insight during periods of vocational shift.  As humans our particular “habit needs” are not simply finding a home and food. Although that may be a part of our safety. Our basic needs include physiological “habit needs” at the core. But they also include emotional care as demonstrated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The most basic, at the bottom of the pyramid are the physiological needs of hunger and thirst, sickness, and fatigue.  We see firsthand when we are sick or in physical pain, our bodies require every ounce of attention to that particular part of our body and nearly nothing else matters in life at that point. When these needs are met we’re able to move into caring next about our safety.  

To expand the analogy further, Take a look at the example of animals in a zoo versus animals in the wild taken from the book, The Life of Pi .“One might argue that if an animal could choose with intelligence, it would opt for living in a zoo, since the major difference between a zoo and the wild is the absence of parasites and enemies and the abundance of food in the first, and their respective abundance and scarcity in the second…In the literature can be found legions of examples of animals that could escape but did not, or did and returned.” We are reminded from this example that safety is what all species seek as a very basic need before moving up the metaphorical pyramid of life. 

However, safety for humans compared to that of animals must include safety on the more emotional level than that of a primal physical safety. (Although our physical safety is likewise a mandatory minimum.) We were created for intimacy to connect with people on a heart and soul level. Relational connection is our greatest emotional need as humans. This basic knowledge once again leads us to the hierarchy of needs: Yet when unmet we are faced with feelings of isolation and of worthlessness. Might a connection void be a greater risk for us to live with than that of physical safety? People can and do endure great suffering if they know they are not alone. 

In the book, Safe People, Dr’s Cloud and Townsend discuss our needs for emotionally safe people. They state that the second greatest theme of relationship after connection is separateness. “Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries between you and others. Separate people take responsibility for what is theirs – and they don’t take ownership for what is not theirs”. The opposite of separateness is enmeshment where a person can be swallowed up in the needs of the other or the organization. For those in enmeshed relationships, teams or organizations, individuality provokes a feeling of threat and differences are discouraged.  One must ask, “Are my no and my yes respected here with this person, this team or this organization? Am I shamed or made to feel guilty for the decisions I make, especially if they are different or threatening to the overall structure? Or am I empowered to think differently or act with a conviction of integrity even though it may cause unrest?”

Self-differentiation is defined as “a setting apart of oneself as distinct from others (such as one's family or classmates).” The medical definition includes: “differentiation of a structure or tissue due to factors existent in itself and essentially independent of other parts of the developing organism.” It’s in this space of self-differentiation that cause strain, and at times even unhealthy sabotage of growth in relationships. 

Self-differentiation as seen between a parent and a teenager, we know as a potential shakey developmental period. The natural developmental cycle of a human would imply that every person will grow and change and need to think on his/her own in order to develop into a healthy adult. Yet the internal struggle persists for the one in authority, whether a parent, a mentor or a supervisor. The message comes mixed, “we want you to grow, but we would rather have you to change in the direction back to the way you were before you differentiated (self-actualized) and became different! We were comfortable with you the way you were before. Ultimately, we were comfortable with who we were.”This same tension seen between parent and child may look similar to a relationship between a worker and an organization when the need for developmental growth space is required. The underlying message: You changing means I also have to change and I am uncomfortable with the presenting need to change in me.

 You changing means I also have to change and I am uncomfortable with the presenting need to change in me.

Vocational restlessness includes an awareness of potential “habitat change” and the repercussions for all involved. The discontent comes in many forms as we become aware of our own unique needs, for example: being valued in our daily contributions; given space to create and make decisions on our own; individualization in our work or close collaboration with others. Although these “habitat needs” may be slight, the difference in peace will be great! Like animals, our habitat, or our working environment requires a basic makeup unique to our needs in order for us to thrive. 

In this growth cycle, exists the tension of both passion and excitement of possibilities joined together with doubts and feelings of personal insecurities. Does my past disqualify me? Is it true that I am just trying to go my own way, or is this really for my good? Do I really have what it takes to make this step? Here we all require faith to step into the unknown. We are unsure if we have the courage it takes to break out of a habitat that does not allow for us to thrive. It is here that confusion and a sense of stuckness persists if nothing shifts. 

 Yet if we step out, the peace we are seeking may be actualized. If we stay, most likely it won’t. Our inner voice of restlessness sounds the cry of our interior calling that we must pay attention to. Parker Palmer says it well, “Vocation does not come from a voice ‘out there’ calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice ‘in here’ calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original self-hood given me at birth by God”. Self-awareness alone is not enough. Many can not hear the voice of reason from within. A safe and supportive community of care supplements where the voices of insecurity compete.

What keeps us from taking the step required to find our deep peace, our unique habitat where we can thrive? The simple answer is that we, like animals, don’t want to leave a safe and familiar environment to move into one of unknown unless we are at risk. It is often the self-limiting insecurities which disempower us from making these changes. It is a risk to step into the unknown. But the risk has the potential to open a whole new environment not just to survive, but to thrive.

And while I’m still fascinated by humans more than animals, I find it remarkable to compare the great correlations all of creation shares in common.

Questions: What keeps you from taking the next step required to find a place where you can thrive? What change is on my horizon that I am struggling to make? What help do I need to process these changes? What can I envision the future on the other side of these changes to look like?

Resources: Merriam Webster online, Life of Pi, Parker Palmer, Safe People, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need

What do I do in the waiting? - Part 1

What do I do in the Waiting?

The questions of complex transitions

As we were wrapping up an initial consultation, a potential client recently asked me, “So, what do I do now while I wait?” We had spent the previous 45 minutes talking about the difficult transition they were in & the lack of fit for the husband while the wife was thriving. I gathered a sense of expansive understanding to the openness of both time and untapped energy that permeated his question. I was invited to an internal pause. While I could answer with a quick appeasement something like, “Wait with intentionality!” I felt a deep sense that his question came from a different place than a child fighting off boredom while waiting for a guest to arrive. This question was likely a daily, hourly, nagging, question in his mind. And not just a question related to time but something so much more compelling. I imagined underlying the simple question of “What should I do in the waiting?” resonated a sound like a base drum - a deeper, harder to answer question about core identity and purpose.

I sensed that without purposeful response, this unwelcome intrusion of a question would not easily go away. I couldn’t help but empathize with intense sadness. I felt this conversation ignite in me a painful visceral, not-all-that-distant memory and response. I felt the question in my gut. I resonated with the desperate longing to be useful. To be noticed for one’s unique skillset. The natural inborn desire to be invited to a table to share a unique point of view. To be asked to show up with a voice that is welcomed. To contribute the expression of creation that only my unique fingerprints could create.

I couldn’t help but feel that this question daily nagged my transition companion. And yet like any coach might do, I turned his question into an opportunity to dig deeper. “What do you think you should do in the waiting? And secondly…what does your wife think you should do?”

It wasn’t meant to be a cop-out. Coaches are often asked questions back; often the ones the client doesn’t want to answer. And yet on the flip side many coaches go into a coaching or care profession waiting for the moment to be asked his/her opinion. If we’re honest we’d rather be consultants and give quick answers and we’d rather share ideas and solutions! Yet here I sat together with my fellow sojourner, in the complexity of his painful transition without a lot of answers and certainty of what to do next. Yet I could respond with a presence of familiarity and a knowing it won’t last forever to validate and feel alongside him the deep pain in the not knowing and in the waiting in between. 

And now here as I write, I suppose I wear the hat of a consultant, not as much a coach. I share my ideas a little more openly at first with just my computer…not sure where they’ll land or who will read them or relate. My story not that unlike his - consisted of that redundant and not-always-answered question “God, what do you want me to do in the waiting?” For almost 2 full years (if not longer), it was for me a daily gnawing at my core identity question especially when the calendar was empty and the phone didn’t ring. I felt alone - people don’t really like to talk about that in-between place of isolation and the reality of what it actually looks like to be waiting. And yet, in hindsight, I recognize I often did hear a response. I heard an invitation to new disciplines. Over the course of many months and years, despite long days of silence, these are a few of the disciplines I was invited to discover in my time of long waiting:

7 playlists I created in 2017-2019 coinciding with each of the 6 transition themes. Find them on iTunes & Spotify “The Way Between - Limitations”

 1.    Praise – Praise turns my heart on. I hear the mandate of scripture: “In all things give thanks”. “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Noticing the beauty in life, the good that I’ve been given, takes intentionality and discipline. And yet here my heart, like David’s in Psalms does not want to rejoice. I hear the voices of literary mentors say, “Thanks is what multiples joy and makes any life large”. I admit, it does not come natural for me. So I turn to those who’ve penned lyrics of pain and married them with the life-giving instruments of worship acknowledging a place of surrender. I listened, and listened some more to the hymns and to the modern day poets give their doubts and unmet longings to God in praise. Time after time as if this was my prescription - this posture of worship changed me. It calmed me like unlike anything else. It brought me to a place of holding open all that I could not control. It’s not all about me or my unmet longings. God is in the business of transforming my heart by giving me this grand pause. Can I see it as a gift and give it back to him in worship? He held me in it and he performed healing in places of my heart that really needed some deep surgery.

“Thankfulness is what multiplies joy and makes any life large”-Ann Voskamp

2.    Play – I learned to embrace, like my children, the present. My propensity being a forward-facing and actively moving thought life, the future is where my mind and body naturally want to go. The present can often feel stifling & uncomfortable to me. Yet I recall my word for that year - excitable! Not a word anyone has ever used to describe me!! Yet when I think about a person who is excitable, I conjure up positive thoughts of people that I love being around! In hindsight, I recognize I was being invited into a practice of mindfulness. A call to notice and to enjoy the every moment. A call to attend to my inner child and just enjoy what or who was in front of me. This invitation was for me was a summoning to play! Turn life into a joyful game. Play encouraged me to stop to embrace the joy of just being and not focus on doing anything or becoming anything. Whether through an Uno game with my 5 year-old or a more adult game of strategy, drawing, wrestling, or just responding to enter a pool with a cannonball instead of a careful wade. I was (and am) continually implored to enjoy my life in the moment even with all its pain and uncertainty.

3.    Explore – be curious and remain open. As I began to write I just brain-dumped my thoughts on paper day after day. I wasn’t strict about it. And I didn’t intend for it to go anywhere. And yet as I kept writing I felt like my words gained some momentum. Maybe not worth sharing with others. But maybe. I surrounded myself with my spiritual and literary mentors; those who spoke eloquently and articulately with words on paper and poets of music like I mentioned before.

When I got stuck I would read. I read what inspired me to think differently, grander thoughts. I read people who played with words in a way I had not been comfortable doing. I explored new ways of adding color to thoughts that I felt only others knew how to do. In this I stumbled and I stuttered and it was clunky. But I persisted and I gained new life every time I did. I explored new creation through exercise and movement and I explored new ways of thinking. I took what I already knew and I expanded on that pushed boundaries of my imagination in a way that I had felt stifled in in the past. What was provoked in me was the designer side of me that had been dormant. In that creative, playful, exploratory space came the creation of what is now my primary work - The Art of Transition.

The period of waiting in transition has been such a long long season for me. I often felt like I did as a child in the endless snowy climate of Minnesota – will summer ever come? And like a bear moving out of hibernation, I’m ecstatic to see that spring is here for me and summer on the horizon! And for those in the waiting of in between: Though the winter is long, I believe your season will come.

—to be continued

 “If all I know of harvest is that it’s worth my patience. Then if you’re not done working, God I’m not done waiting”

 “Seasons” by Hillsong Worship

Listen:

Like the frost on a rose 

Winter comes for us all

Oh how nature acquaints us 

With the nature of patience

Like a seed in the snow

I’ve been buried to grow

For your promise is loyal

From seed to sequoia

I know | Though the winter is long even richer | The harvest it brings | Though my waiting prolongs even greater | Your promise for me like a seed | I believe that my season will come

————————

Lord I think of Your love

Like the low winter sun

As I gaze I am blinded 

In the light of Your brightness

Like a fire to the snow

I’m renewed in Your warmth

Melt the ice of this wild soul

Till the barren is beautiful

I know | Though the winter is long even richer | The harvest it brings | Though my waiting prolongs even greater | Your promise for me like a seed | I believe that my season will come

———

I can see the promise | I can see the future | You’re the God of seasons | I’m just in the winter | If all I know of harvest | Is that it’s worth my patience | Then if You’re not done working | God I’m not done waiting | You can see my promise | Even in the winter | Cause you’re the God of greatness | Even in a manger | All I know of seasons | Is that you take your time | You could have saved us in a second | Instead you sent a child

The barren is beautiful

Though the winter is long even richer

The harvest it brings

Though my waiting prolongs even greater

Your promise for me like a seed

I believe that my season will come

And when I finally see my tree

Still I believe there’s a season to come

Like a seed You were sown

For the sake of us all

From Bethlehem’s soil

Grew Calvary’s sequoia

The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition - Clarity exercise Part 2

See The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition: Questions to ask - Part 1

When it comes to a vocational or career change, the possibilities appear unlimited. Our minds may take on a fight, flight or likely a freeze effect. The frontal lobe in our brain, acts like an overheated engine. It can’t take the myriad of options, so it begins to shut down…anxiety sets in. If we are able to employ a trusted friend or set of tools to gain perspective the ugly monster of overwhelm becomes a much more manageable companion.

We left off in the previous post (the overwhelm of decision-making part 1) with “together let’s approach the blocks that feel like an elephant and make them an eye - seeing them as an opportunity to explore, discover and create something new & life-giving! We can’t tackle the whole elephant right now, What feels most pressing?” Although the options may still take on 100 different variations, the primary decision can be broken down into just a handful of categories or even just one. How does one get from overwhelm to decision? What decision appears most pressing?

Now before we go any further, there exists an assumption that a well-thought through discernment process of gaining information about one’s options, talking to trusted individuals and mentors and a concerted amount of prayer, has gone into the process up to this point. Decision-making happens most effectively after a long season of discernment.

Transition takes place over the course of many small decisions, month after month. Getting to this point in making a major life decision primarily consists of listening to one’s heart and attending to the desires and longings of the soul that have existed for many months if not years. This point in time is often just a finalizing piece to a greater series of decisions. This is not to minimize the importance and the complexity. But rather to validate that your gut, your spouse, your friends, and God have all been speaking to you up to this point.

Decision-making happens most effectively after a long season of discernment.

In this post exists an exercise, a tool called the decision-making grid, to utilize in times of complicated or overwhelming decision-making. It’s quite simple and chances are you’re already familiar with it. A few years ago when faced with a series of decisions that seemed fit with equal pros and cons, I asked my friend and coach for some perspective. When she suggested using a decision-making grid I couldn’t conceptualize how it was different than making a list of pros and cons - my typical style! She briefly walked me through it over the phone. The simplicity almost seemed elementary. Yet it worked! Maybe like myself, you never thought to utilize it in major life decision. Here’s how it works.

The simplifying of options and narrowing down of questions, brings greater clarity than remaining in a place of swimming in the ocean of unlimited possibilities. In my opinion the process of discerning a major career move, organization or vocational path includes focusing first on personal fit (often referred to as calling). When we approach personal fit through the lense of these limited possibilities the decision-making begins to take the shape of a just a handful of possibilities.

Here we are talking primarily about decisions around personal fit and calling:

The 7 categories to consider personal fit/calling: (from the previous post The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition)

1.     Keep doing what I already do well but change the environment - Maybe you have outgrown the structure of the team or organization. Potentially staying in an environment, limits the opportunity for growth.

2.     Keep the work; reallocate or change the quantity - some may consider focusing their target audience to better match their passion. As well, changing the quantity allows for specialization, influence and impact.

3.     Change the work, but stay in the same environment - Within an organization maybe there is another set of possibilities. For example maybe you were hired on as an assistant but have outgrown the role where your gift mix would be better used.

4.     Turn an avocation into a new career - many look towards their voluntary service opportunities as what they would ultimately like to do for life-giving work. For example, during a transition season in my life I went to a local hospital and asked if I could volunteer doing play therapy in the children’s ward. Amazing to me now, is the passion I’ve always had for kinesthetic healing!

5.     Take on a parallel career For example, take your training role and look for another outlet like public speaking or book writing. This track is often pursued for the sake of funding, peer-mentoring, or influence.

6.     Get more training - maybe the way forward for you requires a complete shift and more specialized training in a specific field of interest. This option affords one more discernment time as he/she researches a specific field.

7.     Keep on doing the same thing - After a season of discernment and searching, you may have learned that what you have now is really a great fit and at this point nothing needs to change but something internally. Possibly it required an internal shift of gratitude or perspective to recognize the value of what you have and that every organization and team has faults. Answering, these are the ones I’m willing to live with!

I often recommend a sabbatical for a time of rest before major life decision-making. (See: “Overcoming the Top 3 Objections for taking a Sabbatical”) The need to clear one’s mind and gain perspective is invaluable in clarity gaining regardless of what decision may need to be made.

Where does one start in sorting through these 7 options and creating any semblance of a plan? Might I suggest as my mentor did, to utilize a decision-making grid?

When a decision-making grid is utilized, it allows one to see the options on paper and begin to compare them one against another not one to one million! Which is how it can often feel in your head. This process can help begin to make concrete the seemingly unlimited possibilities that can tend to have a swirling and overwhelming life of their own. 

Here’s how a decision-making grid works:

1.  Form the main question. Start by forming a question that you will use to evaluate all of the possibilities. Ask a question like: Which of these 7 options currently resonates most with me? If you are unable to get past this point, employ a friend or coach to help you form the question.    

2. Make a table to represent your top 4-5 choices for your futures (a 5x5 table for example). An equal number of horizontal and vertical boxes will be used. It isn’t necessary to compare all 7 options as not all of them may be possibilities. Limiting the options is the goal at this point, not expanding.

3. Assign a number and short identifier such as an abbreviated description of your top choices in the top row and far left column. The list will be the same on both the left row and top column. So for example if you’re utilizing the list from above, you would consider #’s 1-7. If they are all options than they all go on the horizontal and vertical lines.

Vocational Discernment Decision-Making Grid Example

4. Put X’s on the numbers that coincide such as 3 vs 3 as you won’t be comparing the same number against itself.

5. Go through each row. When you compare number 1 to number 2, ask the question that you have chosen:   “Which option more accurately aligns with my current longings? Or – Which option do I believe best allows for utilization of my personality & strengths?  Or “Given our current family needs, which possibility is the best future fit?”

Note: You’ve already done the hard work…Don’t over-analyze. Go with your gut at this point. 

6. Write the number chosen between the two options in the box. You will be comparing the same things twice, for example 2 vs. 4 and 4 vs. 2 it’s okay to change your mind or have a split. Often this double comparison produces double confirmation. But do not be alarmed if it does not!

7.  After you’ve gone through the whole table, count up how many of each number you have: 1 - __, 2 - __, 3-__, 4-__, 5-__, 6-__

8. You should have a number with a higher total than the others.

9. At the end of this exercise, consider how the option with the top number of points sounds to you?

10. If all ends in a tie, consult a friend or sleep on it. Try on the different options wherever you land. If you’re truly at a place of being able to live into your decision, imaging your life in that change will provide you with new ideas for the future.

11. When all is done, run this decision by the same people that have helped you get to this point. Something like: Given what you know about where I’m at, does this sound like a good option for my future?  Is there something else that I’m not considering? Surprisingly to many who are in transition is that those closest to the decision-maker already had a pretty good idea and are NOT surprised with a big decision. Call it intuition or a good friend. I would also call it the gift of being outside a cluttered decision-making mind.

The sweet dog ended up with the name Tracker. Unfortunately he only lived into that name as a sick rescue puppy for another 3 weeks. Our family misses him.

On a smaller scale our family recently used this method to decide on the name of our new dog. Not a perfect solution to over 30 ideas, but the process for four very different individuals created both a memorable exercise in decision-making and greater unity in the process. What became apparent was that there were many names not even worth considering. Similarly for you, many options not worth considering at this point for your future.

Utilizing a decision-making grid helps to shed light and gain clarity during complex decision-making times. The myriad of possibilities can now be broken down into only a handful or even just one. Concrete comparisons and intentional set-aside space allow for the ability to see the most important tree through the forrest of possibilities.

Don’t be surprised if this big decision catalyzes many decisions thereafter. Making a bold moves chart is a suggested next step. New blog post on “Now That You’ve Done a Decision-Making Grid, Bold Moves are Next” coming soon!

Questions to consider:

What do you learn from your created decision-making grid?

What is clearer after having done this exercise? Who do you need to share it with?

The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition: Questions to Ask - Part 1

Within the last week I’ve had at least four conversations with individuals who are experiencing the inner restlessness of pending transition. These feelings of restlessness are often accompanied by anxiety, stress and disturbed sleep. The awareness has surfaced that they are on the verge of burnout, are living in a place of deep disconnect with their values, or are not being utilized in their current role. These persistent places of discontent and lack of clarity in direction create a feeling of uncertainty & often stuckness not to mention intense stress on our whole ability to function. Is this where you are at?

The difference between a simple wrestling and minor tweaking and a major life transition is the persistent won’t-go-away acknowledgment that something major needs to change. Whether an organizational shift, a role change, a geographical move - this shift feels disorienting like an aftershock of an earthquake. And it is. Prior to these thoughts are often a series of events that have led to the present. Conflict, discouragement, feeling unused, crisis - these moments or series of changes may have felt like the earthquake but it is the frequent aftershocks that are the call to action.

I often hear from those I work with:

“The writing is on the wall.”

“It’s just painful to admit we’ve been so discontent for so long.”

“The hard part is acknowledging all that we’ve invested in and have to let go of.”

“Goodbyes are once again in our future.”

“We just don’t know what to do next.”

Although transition may feel like a season of winter, there is light ahead

Some talk about transition as beginning the moment you begin asking the deeper questions related to restlessness. I struggle with that sentiment as some, myself included are uniquely wired towards an analytical and futuristic processing style; thinking frequently about possibilities without implying that a major shift or transition needs to happen. At the same time, I feel strongly that we must listen well to our gut instincts, our bodies that carry continual stress, and our minds that race seeking calm. We know internally that things can’t stay as they have been. However, we don’t always know what a next step would look like or what exactly needs to change. Let’s first consider the 6 major areas that most commonly require decision-making intentionality.

For cross-cultural workers decision-making is complex where each decision effects every other. The choice of a role shift, for example, may alter the geographical fit, may determine the organizational fit, may change one’s entire landscape of friendship and social circles. And not just for the adult making the decision but for the entire family. For the sake of understanding how to better navigate the complexity here we break down the decision-making options into 6 major areas.

The 6 areas of decision-making:

(For the sake of this article, the word “fit” replaces the word calling, as there are many interpretations of the word “calling”.)

Personal Fit (significance)- Where does my deep gladness meet the world’s great need(s)? Is what I’m doing the ultimate contribution role that I am on this earth to engage in? If not, is it on the same track? Is my vocational work life-giving?

Team Fit (operation)- Am I able to live out my ultimate contribution “personal fit” on this particular team? If not, why not?“ “Am I supported in my unique gift mix?”

Organizational Fit (support)- Is this the organization that my values most align with? Where I can be supported? Where I can contribute my voice? Are there other organizations that are doing similar work?

Location Fit (effectiveness) - Is the location I’m working in supporting or inhibiting my call? Is this the place where my calling can best be lived out?

Other considerations:

Collective Marital Fit - Some may believe that when they exchanged vows, God called them together as a couple to engage in the same organization and team fit. Others have discovered their uniqueness may be best lived out as individuals in two very different settings of work. Especially as cross-cultural workers it is important to ask the previous 4 questions, “Is my spouse living into his/her vocational calling? Are they doing life-giving work?

Family Fit - Similar to the above. There is disagreement around children being “called” to the same ministry and what their particular role is. Nonetheless I stand firm in believing that the health and well-being of the kids is top priority. How are my children thriving with my personal fit, team fit, organizational fit, location fit? Do their current needs require a prioritization above my fit or calling?

One piece of the elephant at a time

For many, the transition out of - a role, a vocation, an organization, a specific location - can be very clear. For others these layers all mesh together. And for most, where to go next carries the most frightening set of unlimited options. It is recommended to break down the great big elephant of a problem into small pieces - whether which door is closed or which doors are opening.

Consider, for example, the location you are working, as a tusk or a foot or an eye of the elephant. (Too many decisions already?) Okay, it’s an eye! The type of work you are doing as another part. Focusing on each of the pieces one at a time can begin to bring clarity in a much more manageable way as opposed to feeling overwhelming.

In cross-cultural work, it’s hard to unpack the complexities of the overlapping variables. One has likely given up comforts, home, and culture to do the current work engaged in. If shifting to a new culture versus returning to a previously familiar culture the emphasis of adjustment will be quite different. For example, people don’t often consider a re-entry moving budget when returning, despite assuming you would need one when landing in a new and foreign country. They also might not consider the adjustment phase that is needed for re-entry. Much has been written on the topic of re-entry. For discussion here, is the recognition of the complexity of conflicting values particular to transition and how to break it down.

The idea that the door is closing yet a new one has not yet opened paralyzes many from taking a step of faith into the transition space of the unknown. It’s this transition space where I love to work with people. I say, “together let’s approach the blocks that feel like an elephant and make them an eye - seeing them as an opportunity to explore, discover and create something new & life-giving! We can’t tackle the whole elephant right now, What feels most pressing?” For most, it is vocational fit.

The simplifying of options and narrowing down of questions, brings greater clarity than remaining in a place of swimming in the ocean of unlimited possibilities. In my opinion the process of discerning a major career move, organization or vocational path includes focusing first on personal fit (often referred to as calling). When we approach personal fit through the lense of limited possibilities the decision-making begins to take the shape of a just a handful of possibilities; the eye of the elephant once again.

7 categories to clarify confusion relating to personal fit (calling)

1.     Keep doing what I already do well but change the environment - Maybe you have outgrown the structure of the team or organization. What you were initially hired on for 15 years ago is no longer needed. Potentially staying in an environment, under certain leadership or in a specific role may limit your own personal development.

Question: Can I keep doing what I love but change where I do it?

2.     Keep the work; re-allocate or change the quantity - some may consider focusing their target audience to closer match their passion and gifting. As well, changing the quantity allows for specialization, influence and impact as well as sustainability. Those who we see who are burned out often re-allocate their responsibilities and realize it takes several people to do the same title they carried for years.

Question: What needs to specifically change about the work I do in order for it to be sustainable?

3.     Change the work, but stay in the same environment - Within an organization maybe there are another set of possibilities for your skillset. For example maybe you were hired on as an assistant but have outgrown the role where your gift mix would be better used in leadership or development. Consider changing the role to adjust to your developmental phase.

Question: Is there potential for advancement or a lateral shift within this organization? If not, where might I best execute my gifts, strengths, and talents?

4.     Turn an avocation into a new career - many look towards their voluntary service opportunities as what they would ultimately like to do for life-giving work. For example, during a transition season in my life I went to a local hospital and asked if I could volunteer doing play therapy in the children’s ward. I was in a funk, but knew I had always wanted to try working with creative therapy methods. They were happy to have me for the year I could give. Amazing to me now, is that although that was over 25 years ago, the passion I’ve always had for kinesthetic healing has been a part of my DNA! That voluntary service also gave back to me through caring for others - it took me out of my own worries and allowed me to leverage gratitude in an otherwise difficult season.

Question: What would I love to do even without getting paid?

5.     Take on a parallel career The reason you may be experiencing a shift is primarily financial. For some taking on a parallel career or supplemental income may be the necessary transition step towards balance. People don’t take on a parallel career only for financial reasons. It may also be for convergence into the final years of service. You can now choose more specifically to work in a very narrow field. For example, take your training role and look for another outlet like public speaking or book writing. Leverage the years of knowledge and wisdom to benefit others. This track is often pursued for the sake of funding, mentoring, or influence.

Question: What do I already do that I could leverage better in a different setting?

6.     Get more training - As you think about your future the most obvious way forward may require a complete shift and more specialized training in a specific field of interest. Take someone who has always been passionate about physical health and healing. They may have lived it in their own life, but now need a degree in nutrition or being a yoga instructor to integrate their passion with a professional practice. This option of gaining more training affords one more discernment time, as well as he/she researches a specific field and his/her fit.

Question: What have you felt lacking knowledge in your current work or wanted to gain greater understanding of to gain professional integrity?

7.     Keep on doing the same thing - After a season of discernment and searching, you may have learned that what you have now is really a great fit and at this point nothing needs to change but something internally. Possibly a season of rest resets all the gauges to better see the joy of personal fit. Possibly an internal shift of gratitude or perspective occurs to recognize the value of what you have and that every organization and team has faults.

Question: Can you answer yes? For now this is where I best fit and what I am willing to work with for the next five years!

Your decision-making and discernment will likely take you down confusing, questioning roads. As you think about it in small chunks give yourself grace to also think about it in smaller periods of time. This decision is not forever. Continue to explore and try it on and commit for a certain period of time. Give yourself or your spouse the needed permission to try, fail, succeed, change their mind, but soon to put down the need to continue processing. Make one step of a decision and begin moving forward right where you are at.

To be continued…

See The Overwhelm of Decision-Making in Transition: Clarity exercise - Part 2

Here are a few questions to prompt deeper thinking:

What is the most compelling reason you believe a change needs to happen? What have you already tried?What has been the response from the significant people in your life (God, spouse, boss, supervisor, etc.)? Given their reaction, what do you feel you need to do next? What’s coming up for you as we talk about this?

Fostering Emotional Health through Transition Coaching

Originally published on Jan 15, 2019 Shepherd Heart Consulting https://www.shepherdheartconsulting.com/2019/01/15/transition-coaching/

– by Sara Simons

According to architectural terminology, transition space is considered an in-between, connecting space between two confined spaces. An essential element of any structure.  One of the most important functions of transition space being sustainability of the building design. Whether a long hallway or a magnificent entrance, these spaces play important functional roles inviting others to linger and anticipate before entering into a new, often grander space. Temples and places of worship have historically been designed with this architectural transition space concept in mind. One who enters a holy space, having gone before through a transition space to get there, has been given the gift of preparation. There is an invitation to  intentionally prepare one’s head and heart for the encounter with a Holy one.  

It is safe to say, transition space is an invitation to a grand pause with an expanded capacity to enter into the next space with greater awareness and expectation. Not unlike architectural transition space, a season of major-life transition invites one to slow down, pause, and anticipate the next season. We know transition as the slow, internal, physiological response to change.  And change, the moment or moments in time typically sudden and unwelcome that lead us into a period of transition. Change may be the external factor that launches a transition. But transition is the often uncomfortable “in-between” season, not moment, meaning potentially long pause, that requires a recalibration. Even when change is expected, or positive, the reality that one is entering into a new normal requires attention in response and can still feel jolting with much to grieve. God uses transitions to shape life direction and further the discovery of one's unique contribution in the expansion of His Kingdom.

Well-known author William Bridges, in his book The Way of Transition states that "Transition is the process of letting go of the way things used to be and then take hold of the way they subsequently become. In between the letting go and the taking hold there is a chaotic but potentially creative ‘neutral zone.’" How then do we enter this neutral and often barren-feeling transition space? What an incredible gift of a space to meet another passerby in - in the midst of confusion, pain and grief! 

 My desire when working with people as a transition coach is multi-fold. 1. I hope to be a creative catalyst unblocking the God-given creativity in each person I’m with. Aiding them in places of stuckness, by providing tools and experiences that give hope and help lead them to their ultimate contribution. Thus in turn being able to exit confusion with lightness, centeredness and focus 2. My desire is also to equip people with the resources and tools for their current and future transitions. Simultaneously validating that the intensity of transition is not only normal, but an intentional design of the Creator pointing us back to Him in our pursuit of direction. Trusting that everyone seeking guidance and clarity is ultimately seeking intimacy with the one who masterfully designed them. And like a transition space in architectural terms, I feel called as a transition coach to be alongside others as they anticipate the potential greatness of what is to come!

Contact sara@thewaybetween.org for more information on transition coaching

Attending to the Present: Mindfulness Lessons from a three year-old

Originally posted November 2018

Have you ever walked anywhere with a 3 year-old? The distractions are endless. The opportunity to notice and engage with the world are bountiful! Look! a stick! A ladybug! A worm! A piece of chewed up gum! For a 3 year-old, this observing is an opportunity for incredible engagement and learning from the world around her. Most observations made at an eye level that many of us can’t even see anymore. All the tiny little things in the world that call for a moment of undivided attention.

From the age of crawling, we noticed the keen eye for the littlest of details from my daughter. This DNA not likely to have passed from my gene pool! I learned through her, that life was best lived whenever she could spend time noticing, attending to the glitter, or the sparkle or the bug and engaging with her whole body and the world around her. She was the kid who would turn a  spaghetti dinner into a full facial experience! Every day was a discovery in tiny little lost treasures of the world.

At the age of 1 ½ we called her the bug whisperer. As she sat in her little booster seat eating her peas and cut up cheese, we would look over and notice an obnoxious summer fly pestering their way into her space. Apparently she didn’t share our sentiment. Sitting very still she let the fly land on the tip of her tiny finger. Attending to it as if it was the most precious gift given to her, she could keep the fly sitting on the tip for far longer than I was comfortable with. She would chat with it as if a long lost friend. Eventually, she would move it slowly towards her mouth, thankfully not accurately enough to consume it. (At least not that I know of! Protein!!)

All the beauty around me that I miss without accepting the call to attentiveness

For children and maybe also those with the gift of sensing, observing is more than just noticing. It is a pause; an attending, an engagement that the little humans amongst us naturally do with their world. I question, what would it take for me to have such a God-given appreciation for my world? A mindful approach to what and who is near me.

At the turn of the year I ask God for a word for the year. My word for this year was “excitable”. It has taken me most of the year to accept it. Excitable! - not a word that anyone who knows me well would use to describe me; nor a word I'm incredibly comfortable with! Yet excitability is a value I hold deeply in the people around me. It’s a character trait that I love and so appreciate in others primarily because it is so lacking in me! Being excitable takes observation and attending to the next level. It invites one to be present enough to observe and then have a reaction to the world around them. Where for me in the same scenario, I had hardly stopped to notice. “What big green bathtub in the hallway?!” For me, life is often more about efficiency not accuracy and detail.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I would rather hurry my sensate daughter through her day and world to get done the other “important things” that needed getting done. The idea of being excitable, movable and open to being attentive would consume more time and energy than I believed I possessed!

Thomas Merton once said we spend most of our lives under water. Every so often our heads clear the surface and we look around and get our bearings.

I wonder if transition isn’t such a gift of the pause and invitation to look around, take a deep breath and let ourselves be moved by the world around us. I’m challenged by the metaphor Merton uses. If we don’t emerge out of the water long enough to take the necessary breath, the ability to submerge ourselves back into the water of life becomes unsustainable. If we don’t come up for a breath long enough, we cannot submerge back under the water called daily life. For me that coming up for breath is a call to attend to my body, my heart and my mind. I naturally do the latter. But the attentiveness to my body, my heart and all the gifts around me require much more of me. An attitude of gratitude and a daily posture of this habit require me to attend to the many many gifts that exist all around me.

Deep breaths, intentional prayers, attending to my inner world, creating space to unhurriedly walk alongside the world my daughter loves; all my personal invitations in this season of transition.  All a stretch for me, as well as an invitation to be present and excitable! My desire is that by the end of the year the word will be more embodied and maybe even an adjective used to describe me! The action of attentiveness a bit more natural, even desired…one sparkle and one ladybug at a time!

I don’t want to miss the awe of the world all around me

Embracing the Pain of Transition using Art & Movement

In my recent season of intense stuckness, where every path forward was cloudy and unclear; I often could not see past my own pain. Rather the still small voice invited me to sit in the fullness of confusion on a day-to-day basis and just wonder. My choices became noise cluttering my already full and naturally-analytic brain. I would feel flooded easily. I could not think my way in or out of this complex transition. I sought to not just simply exist, as I daily felt that was all I had the energy for. Ultimately I desired to gain healthy momentum past this painful season. But how could I, if decision-making was so impaired?

As I sought the way out, I was subsequently enveloped in new, but familiar pain...residual from both my recent and distant past. Lessons I had to return to and learn in a new way. The depth of my experience of pain, I prayed, would enrich the empathy I felt for others—equipping me to better come alongside. Yet in the midst of my own soul-aching darkness, I truly could not imagine the other side of the pain. And even more troubling was the nagging thought that I may never have a capacity to work with others in this painful painful place.

A wise mentor of mine consoled me in this season, "Sara, if there was ever a top 10 list of things people (and especially workers) experience on the field, you're basically learning the dictionary and becoming proficient in it! If anything, your experiences of painful transition broaden your capacity for the work that you are called to do." How dreadfully dark to base a career on the most intense seasons of pain! Yet the reminder of feelings of intense isolation, and those that accompanied me in it, propelled me toward but a sliver of hope that maybe this time would be redeemed to help someone else in their dark season. I desired hope and ultimately purpose in it all. Not to push past the reality of the pain, but to learn to embrace what God wanted to teach through the intensity that could only be learned by going directly through transition.

As my thoughts became noisy and I couldn’t analyze or strategize my way out of my transition, I in turn took to walking. My body was required to pick up where my thoughts left off. Walking, hiking, biking and yoga became my outlets to hold my pain. This bodily engagement afforded me time and space to NOT have to figure life out. These outlets became a life source for me.

My sole purpose in the pain became “fighting” to learn all that I could; about my own weaknesses, my own woundings, my past, and how my body needed acknowledgement and outlets for carrying my pain. A far more poignant and intense classroom than theories, concepts or textbooks could convey were these lessons I was learning in a visceral way. The experiential learning, unequivocal to the conceptual knowledge, catalyzed me to engage the learnings of transition in new and deeply profound ways—through both movement and art.

I began playing with ways of using transition tools and art to process using the right & left brain

Because transition requires all of our being, I've become convicted through my own learnings that navigating these seasons should be approached with our whole self; our whole brain. The holistic approach includes experiences of physical, spiritual, and emotional encounters to integrate our often-felt disorientation and disintegration. Alongside body movement, finding and creating art that resonated with or spoke to the pain became my goal: “Look for art that captures the heart” became my mantra!

Visual art and kinesthetic movement became powerful outlets for the overwhelm I would feel in my brain. I played with words and color despite the negative voices from my past discouraging me to do so.

The most comforting voices in transition are those who have gone before us and can genuinely say “keep going,” “it won't last forever,” "YOU ARE NOT ALONE on this pilgrimage,” “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”

Despite not being entirely out of my own current transition journey (and question if we ever really are) I am grateful to be in the direction phase; trusting God that He will use my scarred stories similar to the way in which he has redeemed other's wounds for my growth. I pray that I would be used to provide a healing balm where the wounds remain so raw and open in others.

Therefore, my goal for the creation of both the Art of Transition and The Long Camino Walk is simply: To use art and movement to learn the unique lessons God is inviting each of us into as we continue to unpack our unique calling in this world. May we together embrace these transitions as a normal process the Creator intended for us. And similar to the transition cycle that all of creation is subject to, may we see the mistakes, the time of seeming unfruitfulness, as a vital and necessary season on the journey of making something more beautiful and abundantly fruitful. I am still on a long journey of embracing this season of the way between.

A Transition Prayer of Lament

Injustice, Sorrow, Tears

A deep well of seemingly never-ending grief

Keeper of my heart, beautiful Jesus

Humbled, I bow

You wrong the right 

It is all yours

That others would see your love—

not my pain, my anger, my shame or my sin.

Brighten my face that your wisdom would shine through

Redeem my experience in worship to you

FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION:

·       What change has precipitated your entry into your current transition? 

·      What do you sense God is trying to address in pushing the pause button on your journey?  

·      How are you currently receiving it?

Finding Perspective in Pursuit of a Treasure

Originally posted July 19, 2018

Photo: “All the things” A tradition of mine to take pictures of all the things I didn’t buy! Prizes given for the most bizarre thing found!

We walked into a trinkety-tourist shop at the end of a family trip, eager to spend the few coins the kids had. Spying the ever-familiar snow globe, keychain, and magnet, with the flare of the current location, I judged the location as your run-of-the-mill tourist-trap. My kids however saw every item as a “remember when” moment of our trip. A possibility to possess a memory of this family holiday. What form would each person’s memory come in?

A day prior, the four of us walked for 2 hours on the beach. Decision-making power delegated to my son to control the plan for our time. Warning: Accommodation and flexibility required! We all complied to our 8 year-old’s lead and set a time to search for sand treasures and after reunite for the great family swap of 2017!

This day seaside treasures were the commodity causing family equilibrium in the greater scheme of currency. No one possessed any advantage over another here to collect memories.

I admit, I had a bad attitude to start. It was a windy but sunny December day. The beach seemed abandoned yet still beautiful.  My preferred engagement with the beach is generally to soak up nature –  swim, walk, rest, read, take pictures, or even dig in the sand. This day I walked in circles! Random pieces of trash littered about. I found nothing. Disappointed there were no shells to be found but rather a standing pond of water with a plethora of seaside foam causing a great sense of caution of what bacteria was waiting to parasitically call us home.

I reluctantly complied and showed up to the barter party, however, empty-handed. After 30 minutes of trying I found nothing “treasure-worthy”. Nothing that I wanted to keep for myself or give value enough to initiate a trade.  My children gave me some of their loot! Having discovered treasures unending. They possessed bags full of rocks and random pieces of whatever they stumbled upon: broken shells, an empty water bottle, chewed on trinkets, and a few bones! Treasures, eh?! The bones, as you can imagine became the hot commodity which led us scavenging through sand for a potential gravesite. Fortunately (or not) the discovery of a whole bird skeleton was eventually puzzled together and a lesson in biology, the food chain and God’s creation ensued.

My attitude gradually changed as I engaged and began seeing the experience through their eyes. Dune jumping concluded, slow-motion videos captured and bartered goods collected…we called it a day. With wonder and delight my kids shared later this was their favorite day of our vacation!

My kids remain the best teachers to me for perspective shift. Delighted over the simplest of things: Look at this rock! Look at this stick! Watch me jump into the pool. I bought you a beautiful flower! When I see the value of things, experiences or life through the eyes of a young child – I’m reminded of the un-ending need for gratitude. I’m reminded to stop and slow down and look at an experience from a different angle. I’m challenged to find the little joys in life that are right in front of me. I pray a quick prayer of repentance over my bad attitude. Sometimes the treasures are right in front of us. And sometimes they take looking at them from a 36 inch height.

Role Discontent

Originally posted Feb 11, 2019 on saraandjeffsimons@wordpress.org

Identity and Loss

Despite sharing the load of being a parent to young kids in a more egalitarian way, the current phase of parenting finds both of our young kids at my side of the bed regularly in the middle of the night. Pattering footsteps are heard for any number of reasons. In this particular stage I’m the one theywant first. A gift, I suppose… but a confused one for me, as I wrestle with God about how He wants to use me in this coming season. The cluster-roles of motherhood, transition coach, trainer and cross-cultural worker remain in regular tension.

Thanks to Jeff, I’ve been blessed in the last several months to have time away to reflect, dream, and consider what the next season in these roles might entail. A lovely week away with unlimited personal time, the ability to dream, sleep, and exercise at leisure allowed for an amazing time to consider the possibilities of our future. Yet as is the case in coming back to reality, I returned and re-engaged to acknowledge much to my surprise (again!), that my life consists of limitations!

You see, I’m not a “natural mom” in strengths or God-given gifting. I’m introverted for one, with ahigh need for alone time to rejuvenate and just function well. And because deep processing is part of my wiring and a high value, I need silence to hear my thoughts! For some reason my young kids don’t seem to understand that! A friend recently asked me, “Sara how do you get your introvert time as a mom?” The answer: “I don’t very often. It’s an ongoing struggle (sigh)!” My personality also begs to operate most effectively when asked to contribute my strengths of ideas,strategies or analytical skills. Sure, some of those are transferable to motherhood, but I don’t oftenfeel that I have my best foot forward in giftedness output in this particular role. I’m just not yournaturally-maternal, gentle, service-oriented, loves to [fill in the mom expectation here] personality.

Okay so maybe there are some idealized expectations to unpack there… but truly I wrestle with it daily! How do I reconcile not stewarding these other “gifts” during a season where one role takesprecedence? How do I find contentment amidst the grumpiness and irritation of mom-dum? When my calendar of events says “no upcoming events”, or worse, kids birthday parties for the next 7 Saturdays! In these times, I find myself down in a slump.

Even today, while I’m writing about calling, identity, and limitations, I’m loving the space! The research is confirming and I have a newfound hope in the coming opportunities to share withothers. I’m only slightly amused at the irony of being continually interrupted by a preciousdaughter, who is at home sick and sitting next to me.

I stop for a brief moment to cuddle and play a quick game of “I Spy” with my at-home-sick child and continue to accept my invitation to wrestle with my identity as mother and worker. When I’mhonest, I can acknowledge these interruptions make me grumpy, short-tempered and full of entitlement. I remind God that it was His divine plan for me to be hired for a formal member carerole when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child, almost a decade ago. He “called forth” my calling with such strange timing. I don’t want to wish these years away by any means. It’s these places of disruption in my calling, my plans, my best-foot-forward that I find hardest to embrace. The invitation to the disruptions being the life we were called to. I desire to live well into the roles of motherhood including the invitation to the LIMITATIONS that coincide.

It’s painful to face the unfulfilled longings left un-met within us. A single person desiring to be married but with no prospects. A couple desiring to be parents only to discover they are infertile. Another couple desiring to enjoy their new marriage, and quickly met with an unexpected pregnancy. A worker who desires to be seen for strengths in leadership with no possibilities for exercising those gifts. The role of missionary stolen as adult-caretaker of aging parents takes precedence. Whatever the unwanted role, how does one reconcile calling with God-given giftings in seasons of having to deny certain roles and accept other unwanted ones?

I believe the invitation is to acknowledge the un-met longings as losses. When I give credibility tothat which is unmet I’m met with sadness, and possibly disappointment. When I move too quickly past what is begging for attention inside of me, I hold onto it and without knowing, place those unmet longings elsewhere, often in other misdirected, unhealthy ways—on the love received from a spouse, on the success of a child, the gratitude of a boss, the performance of a co-worker.

These attempts mask my desires and longings only to temporarily escape the heartache and the reality of the things I dislike about the present. They try to erase the disruptions of life. Instead they take me on a winding road full of forks and turns, detours and dead ends. Here I will soon find myself back again and again if losses are unacknowledged. William Bridges (The Way of Transition) talks about transition or the “neutral zone” as the time to let go not so much of a relationship or a job itself but rather the time of letting go of hopes, fears, dreams and beliefs that we have attached to them. It’s in these attachments of hopes, dreams and longings that we redirect our stance towards a posture of embracing the losses in our current reality. We are called in this place and time to accept our limitations as a part of our calling, a part of our “normal”. To acknowledge limitations is to acknowledge loss.

What if instead of focusing on what we are giving up we are able to see what we are gaining instead? In this place of accepting the current reality and embracing the losses we are called to acknowledge that we are not in control. The places of “disruption” develop in us a deeper ability to empathize with others who are on the same journey of disruption. Our task-oriented selves begin to let go of our attempts to control, to direct, or to plan. In that space we are vulnerable. Painfully vulnerable. We’re invited into the place where our heart engages with the lack of control we feel. We mature in our understanding of development. We gain empathy for others. We gain understanding that life doesn’t turn out how we plan.

As poet David Whyte implores, we are called to spaces of alertness; and alertness is the hidden discipline of the familiar. We create in us a place to be moved and changed, impacted by the unfamiliar. We are put in a proper relationshipwith reality and the created order. We’re reminded once again that we were created and there isa great Creator with a bigger purpose than what we can fathom. A non-linear, uncomfortable road that when acknowledged and surrendered to, frees us from the unrealistic expectations that life is to be lived in a straight, continuous path. There is loss in accepting our lack of control. Simultaneously there is great gain in the freedom and invitation to accept the unknown and our greater calling in this in-between space.

[Finesterre] – “The road in the end

The road in the end,

Taking the path the sun had taken

The road in the end

Taking the path the sun had taken

Into the western sea

The road in the end

taking the path the sun had taken into the western sea

And The moon

and the moon rising behind you

as you stood where ground turned to ocean

No way to your future now

No way to your future now

Except the way your shadow could take

Walking before you across water going where shadows go

No way to make sense of a world that wouldn’t let you pass

Except to call an end to the way you had come

To take out each letter you had brought

And light their illumined corners;

And to read them as they drifted on the late western light;

To empty your bag

To empty your bag

to sort this and to leave that

to sort this and to leave that

To promise what you needed to promise all along

To promise what you needed to promise all along

And to abandon the shoes that brought you here

Right at the water’s edge

Not because you had given up

Not because you had given up

But because now you would find a different way to tread.

Because through it all, part of you would still walk on

no matter how, over the waves.”—David Whyte

Reflection Questions:
In this particular transition, as you consider identity-challenge, what qualities do you feel God is maturing in you?
How does knowing that transition causes great upheaval but also qualities of persistence, empathy, & depth change the way you approach it?
What way forward have you found for coping with current limitations?

Created to create

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