6 Questions & A Conversation Game for the Holidays

I was equally shocked and inspired when I heard that my teenager recently spent an hour and a half talking about controversial topics with my parents! My dad gloated that he asked great questions and he could not recount a kid of his age engaging with such openness and curiosity. While I initially felt a surge of pride, I was also skeptical, wondering what values they may have shaken in my child’s life. I sat with a sense of gladness that the conversation carried on as it did, especially without me. But…honestly, I was also a little embarrassed to note that I had refrained from engaging in these types of conversations with familiar people in my life like my son did…not curious or wanting to know where they stand on issues that I assume I already know we disagree about.

What I heard from my dad without him directly saying it, was that he felt loved, seen and understood whether my son agreed or not. The simple act of asking questions, and staying in the conversation with curiosity provided that space of connecting and bonding. I thought to myself, learning to ask questions is one of the ways I want myself and my children to show up in the world and maybe one of the best ways they can demonstrate love to their world around them. There is a message of love that was sent in the exchange. Truly being listened to, validated and being seen - Isn’t that what we all desire at our core?

And yet we refrain from giving to others what we need most when we feel misunderstood or unseen.

This led me to thinking about other conversations I’ve had recently…I’ve been told by some that they don’t know what questions to ask or how to engage in those spaces especially when it feels like there are potential landmines or there is a history of hurt or misunderstanding. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t naturally good question askers. It’s a learned skill. And for all of us, listening and asking questions are tools that could use frequent sharpening. There may be the odd one out - those who do ask questions for a living, who need to express their voice more. Pipe up and share with healthy disclosure to be seen and known.

Whether you’re a natural question-asker or a natural-sharer, consider the following prompts for conversation starters this holiday season.  

Question prompts to start conversation:

Instead of asking what are you thankful for………try:

-what is something you are currently excited about?

-what is something that surprised you recently?

-what is one thing you’re looking forward to over the holidays?

Instead of asking how is work going..……..try:

-what is something that you are excited about in your job?

-what is something that is life-giving for you in your career?

-who is someone you recently enjoyed being with?

-what is something interesting that you’re reading right now?

Choose one and see what happens…

Conversation Game

Another angle may be inserting a simple conversation game over dinner. We were introduced to the game “that reminds me”* when my children were little. While living in Spain, we hosted a lot of interesting (to us) people in our home for meals and overnights. My then 7 and 3 year old, were continually saying how bored they were at the adult conversations and complained that no one ever asked them questions.

 Enter this lovely game, especially useful when there are long talkers or a diversity of ages or viewpoints. This game can be a neutral zone to avoid some of those landmines!

Here’s how it works.

One person starts with ONE word, any word…i.e. spaghetti, horses or TSA! The person who says the word picks a person and that person thinks of a true and short story from their life that has the word in it. When they come up with the story, they begin their recounting by saying, that reminds me of a time when I was young…if they can’t think of a story to match the word, pick another person.

The only rule: No one else is allowed to interject or correct.

At the end of their story, that person chooses a new word from their story and picks another person to do the same.

Continue sharing stories until at least everyone, even the youngest, has had a chance to share.

When we’ve played a game like this, my kids shared the same sentiment as my dad – one of inclusion, being seen and understood.  They wanted to keep showing up at the dinner table to learn and to be heard. They wanted a voice in their world where they often felt overlooked. It was immediately evident that they had capacity to hear other stories when they felt this kind of love in being heard. 

Admittedly it takes courage to enter into these places of vulnerability both of sharing, listening and asking questions - especially where controversial landmines may linger. Give it a try. If the worst that will happen is that you realize you don’t see eye to eye, then the risk is worth it. Then report back and let me know what happens - both in you and in others.

*”That reminds me” was introduced to us by the lovely Monica Romig Green. She has hundreds of other thoughtful and fun ways of interacting and sharing life…google her!

For further reflection:

Please share with us - What other conversational games have you seen work around a table? What powerful questions have you seen open up new avenues of sharing?